


2015

by HeiiiiImTomH



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternative Canon, Canon, Canon Compliant, Domestic Narry, Established Relationship, Fluff, Health, Hiatus, M/M, Narry - Freeform, Smut, angst with happy ending, mentions of solo careers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-18
Updated: 2020-09-18
Packaged: 2021-02-27 21:54:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 70,004
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22792822
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HeiiiiImTomH/pseuds/HeiiiiImTomH
Summary: „That’s good, because I need to know what’s going on in there.“ Niall’s fingers wandered from his back, up to his shoulder and ended up on his forehead. They felt grounding to Harry. A pleasant warmth raced through him. „So I can protect you too. I couldn’t live with myself knowing something happed to you just because you didn’t feel like you could talk to me. You‘ve already got my heart, Harry, you just gotta take good care of it, alright? Because it belongs to you and I do not ever want to take it back, but that’s only gonna work if you’re in it as well. If I can have yours too.“Harry didn’t dare to speak however. Too horrified about what the future might hold if his spoken words made it suddenly become the reality that it had been all along.***or Niall and Harry's story throughout the years with a few twists and turns. Especially 2015, where Niall and Harry's life was turned upside down.
Relationships: Niall Horan/Harry Styles
Comments: 29
Kudos: 74





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So...here is another story of Narry!!!! Because everyone needs Narry in their life if you ask me. But I do want to say that this story will touch serious subject matters, what exactly and how that will look like i can’t really say as of now. However, you can rest assured, because i will put up a trigger warning for each chapter individually. Plus, this is no overall angsty story, its supposed to entertain.
> 
> Have fun and enjoy.
> 
> PS:
> 
> Disclaimer: This is pure fiction. A product of imagination. Nothing described in this story represents what happed in real life. Neither what the characters say or do is in any way representative of what their actual counterparts do or how they act in reality. I do not wish to be inappropriate or disrespectful towards anyone. Again, this is fictional.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> „And I feel like I am losing you, as well.“ Harry looked directly at Niall. He was pretty sure his heart broke just then and there. Because Harry didn’t even say what he wanted to say. Harry didn’t say, I feel like you’re losing me, because he couldn’t. He just couldn’t stand seeing what that would do to Niall.

** 2015 **

„Well, I am, undoubtedly sorry to tell you this, but the band as such does no longer exist.“ She said. Harry didn't even remember who _she_ was, but he reckoned he didn't like her. It was funny though that their management couldn't even tell them themselves. They sent her, whatever her name might be? Claire? Carina? Carola? Fuck, didn't matter anyway, did it?

„Pardon, what?“ Niall asked, clearly confused. „What do you mean _the band doesn't exist_ anymore, do elaborate. As far as I'm concerned the band is still fully intact and I am part of said band, I’m ought to know. What's going on?“ He looked startled, afraid really. Even though Niall tried his best not to show any sings of fear, Harry could see right through him. They had been fucking for almost four and had been together for three years. That should mean something after all.

„Exactly that, Mr. Horan.“ The lady said. Christie? Cassie? „Your management team has decided not to extend your record deal for further projects. I, too, wish it was different, but this executive matter, I'm afraid, and already has been decided.“ She looked up, examining their faces.

At Niall, who just stared at her in deep bewilderment, at Liam paying no attention to anything but the white clouds outside and at Louis, who was about to smoke a fag after he had pulled them out of his pocket hastily. An habit he had always tended to do when he was being nervous. And finally at Harry. He did wonder what she would see, because he couldn't tell. Harry felt nothing inside. For the first time in his life, there was silence in his mind. All of his thoughts came to a halt. It scared him though, because he did not feel this dead in a very long time. Not since he had met Niall at least.

She shrugged, before turning her gaze away from Harry.

„You can’t do this.“ Niall argued, searching the room for help. He had always loved this band. More than anyone else. Niall was the most devoted, Niall was the most dedicated and Niall was the most giving of them all. Not only did he bring so much life as well as light to the band, but to Harry as well. The last few years they had been together were some of the happiest he had ever had. Harry had no doubt that Niall was _it_ for him. Not that anyone knew though, aside from family and friends. So maybe it wouldn’t be that bad to leave Modest!, well...being left by Modest! and move on in life. To move on into a future together. In a quieter, calmer future, where they hopefully could be themselves.

„I mean. I know it’s fucked up with Zayn and all, but we‘ve been through worse. Heck we‘ve been through baby-gate. Why would they do that?“

„What the actual fuck, Niall. Leave me out of this! I dare you bring my son up in this mess! You know damn well why everything’s falling apart.“ Louis hissed, pointing his cigarette at Niall angrily. „It’s not like we haven’t seen it coming anyways.“ Smoke filled the air in the office. He clearly was offered by Niall’s statement, which, to be honest, was understandable. Freddie and Louis personal decisions should not be part of this discussion...yet. He still had a point. It did damage the bands reputation.

„I am afraid we can. Your contract runs out this month and our executives are unwilling to renew it. Easy as that.“ She shrugged again. „In fact, Mr. Horan...“ She took her smartphone out, checking the time. It was 12 o‘clock in the morning. „...as of now, you are technically unemployed.“ She switched her smartphone off again. „Still, as these are actions on our end of things and you have done nothing wrong in terms of contract violation, we are gladly willing to offer you the contractual compensation. One second...“ She flicked through several pages, her lips moving along the lines. „...of five million US Dollars each. This has been agreed to on the 20th of April in 2013, your last contract renewal. Any questions?“

Andrea! Her name was Andrea. Now he remembered her. She‘d always been a snitch. So why did Andrea look like she enjoyed putting them out of work? She seemed to thrive giving the four of them a hard time. She probably got a promotion out of all this, fucking bitch. Her smile was just too telling. And if there was one thing Harry was good at, it was music and reading people. Andrea here had been an open book Harry hated, because he already knew the ending to the story and didn’t like it. Didn’t like it at all.

„Yes! Fuck-“ Niall exclaimed. „How?“

Andrea‘s smile grew at that. „Exceptional question, Mr. Horan, thank you. As all of you know, things got, well somewhat rocky after Zayn's departure from OneDirection. You know...fans leaving, lack of energy, lack of chemistry, lack of motivation...you name it. Plus as you, Mr. Horan, summed it up quite fittingly, Mr. Tomlinson's decisions regarding his private life complicated the situation further which has ultimately lead to today. Additionally, the fact that _some_ members of this band refused to accept the circumstance that the market is just not ready for said two members to come out as gay, had us increasingly worried.“ She took a long breath that made Harry internally sigh.

Yes, they did have problems. And yes, he would have loved to come out, but he would have waited for Niall. For Nialls’s sake. Niall had always chosen the band before anything else. Harry didn’t negate the fact that it was quite hurtful from time to time, considering that Harry had been his boyfriend for almost three years now. But that was just how Niall was. He always wanted everyone to be fine, always wanted things to turn out okay. Sometimes though, life was just fucking with you. He turned his attention once more to Andrea, away from Niall, but not before taking his hand, thinking that his life was just being fucked with.

„Moreover...“ continued Andrea. „The, to put it lightly, underwhelming performance of your latest two albums, especially your last one after Zayn had left, have all lead to the conclusion that 1D as such is no longer sustainable for the label and will therefore be dismissed from their contractual duties. Mr. Horan, Mr. Payne, Mr. Tomlinson, Mr. Styles you are no longer official partners of this company. As soon as you step out of this door, you are no longer bound to any restrictions laid upon you by our law department, Congratulations!“ She smiled at them, one after another. „Your money is being transferred to your respective accounts just right now. Should there be any issues in that regard, feel free to contact me. We are very serious about a peaceful transition.“ She grabbed her bag, laying next to her chair and pulled four business cards out, before sliding them across the table. „Here is my number. While I do hope there won’t be any problems, just in case.“ Andrea stood up, fixing her skirt and her hair. Brown locks covered her face, before she stuck it behind her ear.

„Is there anything left unanswered?“

No one replied, no one really looked at her. This whole situation was just surreal. They loved this band with all their heart and now it had just been taken away from them. Their passion, their music, their life.

Liam still sat in his chair stone cold. His expression mimicking how Harry felt. Dead.

Harry felt dead inside, even though he knew the day would be coming. Yet no time beforehand, no heads up, nothing really could have possibly prepared him for that moment. Imagining how something might feel and actually feeling it, are two completely different things. Even more so if it was shit like that. The headlines, the tabloids, the gossip, heck probably even traditional media would report about the biggest boyband in the world being dropped by their label and partners of over five fucking years. Hopefully Harry and Niall’s assistants came up with a decent plan for damage control. Harry would have to meet up with his agent anyways. Apparently he was unemployed now.

„No? Excellent. Very well.“ Andrea picked up her bag, putting it on her chair and collected several papers from the table ready to be put away. As her smartphone binged though, she stopped to take a look. She sighed, tying away hastily. Again neither of them cared enough to pay any attention to her. Louis chuckled dryly after lighting yet another cigarette.

Harry could feel Niall’s sweaty hand in his. Could see his shallow breath. Could see his normally so petit face full of sorrow. He squeezed it, moving his chair closer, so he could hug Niall with his other arm. Silently he put his head on Niall’s shoulder.

„I don’t get it, I don’t understand.“ Niall spoke. It made Andrea look up. "What now? I thought I had explained our motives?“

„Yes, but still...isn’t there this clause?“ Niall's head turned to him, inviting Harry to think with him. „I‘m sure there is. The one that says you can’t fire us out of the blue. And this is pretty much the shortest notice one could get. We singed that, didn’t we?“

Andrea's brows knitted in confusion. „Yes?“ As Liam and Louis both shot Niall stressed glares, Harry had to sit up. Shit.

„Well, that means you can’t dissolve the contract, since you didn’t contact us.“ Niall’s hand sprung forward, digging into the pile of papers. After a while he found what he had been looking for. Their old contract.

„Here. I knew it. There it is. It says _at least six months of notice before our relationship can be dissolved_.“ Niall’s voice had been accusing. Harry could feel he was getting close to losing it. „Shhh, calm down, love.“ Harry whispered.

„No, I won’t calm down, Harry! We‘re being fired! _You_ are the one who should care more. All of you!“ He faced Liam and Louis now. „Why am I the only one who’s fucking upset about that. You act as you already knew. Of course it has been rough, but...“

„That is, Mr. Horan, because they did.“ Andrea interrupted his outburst. In a matter of seconds Niall’s head snapped to her direction and Harry’s hand left his. Fuck. Fuck!

„Excuse me?“

„As I said, we, here, are quite keen on keeping our record clean. I can guarantee you, we are more than aware of our liabilities toward you, and the band for that matter.“ She bent forward. „All of you have been informed by us via mail half a year ago.“

Niall could barely manage to whisper. „No?“

And now Harry was fucked. Like utterly fucked. Why did he think that topic wouldn’t come up. Of course Niall would want to fight for this band and of course he would remember that fucking clause.

„Highly unlikely.“ deflected Andrea. „You do still live in Los Angeles? We would surely know if your address had changed, would we not?“

„No, it hasn’t...“

„Then you have been informed. I can personally ratify that. We received, as ordered in the letter, message from all of you or your representatives. From _you_ as well, Mr. Horan.“

„That can’t be. I don’t know what letter you are talking about. Who confirmed that for me?“ Niall pressed.

Fuck. Fuck! Fuck!

„Let me just check.“ Her fingers barley seemed to touch her smartphone, she already spoke again. „Harry here. He confirmed everything for the both of you. Mr. Styles is listed as one of your representatives. However, considering you two have been in a relationship for over three years, I don’t know why there would be a problem?“

„I think we all should...“ Liam tried to interact unsuccessfully.

„What...What have you done Harry!?“

„Listen, Niall, fuck...I‘m sorry.“

„I can’t breath.“ Niall startled from his chair towards the closest window, opening it forcefully. Liam tried again. „Niall?“Meanwhile Louis turned to him. „What the fuck Harry?!? You didn’t tell him. You said you would, Christ!“

„I know, I know, but I couldn’t...I“

„Well, gentlemen, as this is clearly a subject of personal discussion, I will leave you to it, have a good day.“ And without another single word said she left the room.

„Go to him. Fuck Harry, you fucked up big time.“ Louis urged.

„Niall?“ Harry's hand landed on his shoulder, only for it to be brushed off immediately.

„You fucking arsehole, Harry! Don’t even bother! I don’t what to hear whatever excuse you‘ve come up with.“ At that Niall stormed out of the room. And Harry was not sure if he had cried or not.

And if Harry hadn’t felt dead inside before, he would surely now. That still didn’t change the fact that he never felt more stupid in his entire life. Did he really think he would get away with lying to his boyfriend?

***

** 2010  
  
**

„Your’e gonna do just fine, sweetheart.“ His mother reassured him, noticing Harry’s nervousness. „You think?“ He argued with less confidence than Harry would like to admit. That just was not how Harry had been raised. His mother always preached to his sister and him how strong and beautiful they both were. But right now Harry did not feel beautiful or confident at all. 

„What if they don’t like me?“ His gaze broke from the ground, facing his mother.

„I am sure that won’t happen. And if it actually does happen, against all odds, they would lose the most talented, most handsome young singer in the history of the show.“ Anne smiled at him. So genuinely, so real it made him calm down a bit, seeing that his mother had always been a rock in Harry’s life and probably will be forever. However, it didn’t change the fact that he was sick and tired of waiting. The line he currently had been in seemed to grow longer and longer. It appeared to Harry as though they would only take steps backwards instead of forwards. Maybe, he thought, that was the direction he actually wanted to go, because facing one‘s fears was always harder than running away from them. Something he always used to do. 

It would be so easy, he could just turn around. Escape this nervousness, this uncertainty, the fear present in this room with the many other people, dreaming. But Harry had been running away for too long, that was what Gemma had said to him at least. Quite frankly she got annoyed by Harry complaining about wanting to audition at X-Factor and being to afraid to do so for years. Now was the time. And Gemma would probably have his guts if he came home without even trying at all. 

Still, after waiting in that god damn line for hours on end, his fears started to become more prominent than ever. So close, too close probably, to the prospect of having his dreams fulfilled, yet unbearably far away. It made Harry tore from the inside, especially so when other contestants came off the stage crying, having their dreams smashed, taken away from them. It was unsettling, because they were all better than him. 

How could he hold up to that? He would never succeed if that one girl with the most beautiful voice Harry had ever heard, was rejected. Why should the judges say _yes_ to him. He was nothing special, Harry would say. His mother would probably say otherwise, but she didn't really count. Well, of course she did, but she, as well as his sister, were family and they loved each other, sticked together no matter what. Harry lacked appreciation outside of his family, of those who chose to love him, not who loved him regardlessly. His friends? Probably. They didn’t really understand though. Him applying, that was. Apparently they didn’t think he was talented enough to make a difference. 

He had told his mother that as well. That he felt like he had no one he could confine to, he could rely on, he could love in a way that made him feel loved in return. Sure, they were his friends, but that was it. They weren’t what friends are supposed to be. Namely a second family. And they definitely were not. An occasional gathering did not make them form any kind of special bonds. So yeah, Harry pretty much felt alone. 

His mother said though, he would make all the difference it took. Ultimately, that had been the reason Harry decided to try X-Factor. To apply and see if she was right, if he actually could make a difference. If he was good enough, to make his friends see what was in him. The passion, the talent, the devotion. Maybe they would finally look him in the eyes instead of looking down on him. Maybe just maybe.

„I‘ve heard he‘s exceptionally cruel today.“ A women behind him suddenly said. „He made my friend’s daughter cry. Poor Linda doesn’t know what to do now. The trip was her birthday gift. Truly, it’s a pity.“ 

„Let’s just hope he gets laid in the meantime, stress relief and everything.“ Her friend snickered. 

And _that_ , Harry didn’t get. But turned out odds had just gotten worse, with Simon being in a bad mood. Didn’t make it easier. Moreover, considering the 20 or so candidates prior didn’t make it trough, made the whole situation even worse. Perhaps, Harry shouldn’t have applied after all? It was nothing more than wishful thinking of a dreamer anyways.

„Look, Harry, how happy they are. They have gotten through.“ His mother said, pointing at a group of contestants entering the the lounge room, they were currently waiting in. „They seem so happy! I‘m so excited!“ She exclaimed. „It’s almost your turn now, Harry. I‘m so proud of you. Being here takes a lot of courage. They're going to be blown away by your charm.“ 

Harry shrugged. „I don’t know, mum.“

„Oh, none of that, sweetheart.“

„Don’t call me _that_.“ He wasn’t a baby or a child anymore. He loved his mother, yes, but she could be embarrassing sometimes.

„But you are, my sweetheart that is.“ She pressed.

„Mum!!“

„What?! You are sweet and charming and your beautiful locks can be quite persuasive as well. Just you wait. They wouldn’t dare say anything bad with old me here watching them. You know how intimidating I can be if I want. You think that would work?“ Anne tried to joke. 

„Not funny, mum. You are embarrassing. People are already looking, stop!“ Harry whispered anxiously. He hated when people assumed it was their right to watch, to dig into business that had nothing to do with their own shit. 

„Don’t be so prude, Harry. There’s a stage waiting. More people are gonna watch. So I...“

„I...I...I have to pee.“ He interrupted suddenly. 

Just now Harry had seen how close he was to being called on the stage. The closer he got, the more desperate he was to leave, to give up.

Anne looked startled. „What?“

„I’m in the restroom.“ Harry breathed, hurriedly making his way from his spot in the line to the closest toilet. Fuck, what was he doing!?

„Harry, it’s almost your turn. Come back!“

But Harry didn’t answer. He was lost in thoughts. 

Why the hell did he even came here? He should have listened to his friends! It had been a stupid idea, they were right. If more talented singers had to leave without a single _yes_ , he would as well. He made his way through the crowd pushing people away, seemingly too ignorant to take a step back. All they did was to blankly watch. Why were they all watching??? 

It was not like Harry particularly stood out. He was a normal lad. Nothing out of the ordinary, nothing special. Harry wasn’t special, didn’t want to be. All he wanted was to be appreciated for being just as normal as anyone else.

Finally the door to the restroom was in reach and he slammed the door handle down, entering the room. After crushing the door shut, he stumbled over to the closest stall, locking himself inside. 

In retrospect Harry arguably had overreacted a bit, but still, that had been what felt right in that moment, so who could blame him? Anyhow, it did give him time to rethink everything and consider his next steps. It wasn’t like Harry wanted to waste this chance. Not really...well, it wasn’t what he wanted at all, quite candidly. He just wanted _it_ to be easier. Wished pursuing your dreams, aspiring your goals in life would not be that hard. Was _he_ enough?

„You alright, pal?“ Someone knocked on the stall door lightly multiple times. Who does that? 

Harry cleared his dry throat. „Excuse me?“

„Well, nothing. Heard you crying. Figured I should ask?“ the person replied, northern accent think. Funnily enough, Harry didn’t even recognize he was crying. He had gotten so used to it, he didn’t feel the tears running down his face. He really needed to stop. Harry was a man, and men didn't cry. That’s what everyone said, right?

„ `m not crying.“ Harry wiped his face quickly and then stepped out of the stall. 

„You sure? You look like you did, mate.“ The boy chuckled, coming to a halt next to the sinks, where Harry was washing his hands, before patting Harry’s shoulder. For whatever reason. 

He rolled his eyes. „Thanks.“

Who the fuck was this stranger? Thank god no one else, but them was in the room. That would have been even more humiliating. One stranger seeing him cry was more than enough. 

„Alright...“ He said, unbothered. He turned away from Harry, facing the mirror fixing his fringe. „You already had your turn? Didn’t get trough?“ asked the boy crooking an eyebrow. They held eye contact over the mirror, not directly facing each other. Harry had never stopped washing his hands. Why though, he couldn’t say. Maybe he was in awe? Intrigued by the other boy’s confidence?

„What makes you think they wouldn’t take me?“

„Look, who found his voice, such a beauty as well.“ The boy turned to him, nodding to his hands. „One might guess they’re clean, no?“ His blue eyes flickered, as Harry dried his hands, after turning the faucet off. 

„Well, they did certainly not send you home because of your looks. Those curls...will break a lot of girls heart, won’t they?“ Will they now? Hopefully.

„So your singing voice must be hideous? I bet that’s it.“ He laughed. Harry just smiled shyly in return. 

„There you go, smiling again. Doing alright, then?“ 

Harry shrugged. „I guess.“ No, he didn’t. 

„Have you...did you audition already?“ 

The boy nodded. „Yes, I made it!“

„Nice, congratulations. What did they say? How was it, up there?“ He genuinely wanted to get as much advise as possible. Though there was little time left. Soon it would be his turn to proof himself. To make a difference, as his mother would say.

„Easy. They loved me, who doesn’t though?“ He shrugged cheekily. „It’s as simple as that. What’s your name by the way?“ 

„Harry. I‘m Harry.“

„It is as simple as that, my dearest Harry…“ The boy put one arm around his shoulder. „Just sing. You wouldn’t be here if you couldn’t.“ Once he finished, the boy shot him a quick wink. And Harry could already feel blush creeping up his cheeks. 

„But I’ve got to leave you now, Harry, I’m afraid. I‘ve gotta get back to the little beasts I happen to call my sisters. They are adorable though. Don’t you think I am a bad brother, I am very lovable.“ 

„Quite frankly, I have no doubt about that, mate.“ Harry cracked. „Who are you anyways?“

„Me? I am Louis. Louis Tomlinson. Nice to meet you.“ Louis stretched one hand out, offering Harry to take it. „Yeah, nice meeting you. I‘ll see you around? I gotta get back myself as well, in line that is, so yeah....“

„Of course. Break a leg or whatsoever. It’s what they say, isn’t it?“ Louis shoot him another smile and then opened the door for the both of them. „After you.“

„Thank you.“ Harry was pretty sure he had blushed some more, god damnit! Why was he so awkward? Christ!

„You‘re welcome.“ Louis said, walking out and letting the door fall shut. „I‘m looking forward to seeing your performance. I‘ll watch it on one of the screens, so no pressure.“

„Well thanks. I feel honored.“ Harry pondered.

„That, you should.“ Louis retorted. „See ya around.“

„Yeah, see you.“ They both waved each other shortly, before parting ways. On his way back, the only thought Harry could seem to think about was how weird that encounter had been. He decided though, he liked Louis. He seemed like a nice lad. Someone where one could just feel comfortable being around. He radiated fun. Harry found that to be quite mesmerizing. And maybe it was just what he needed. 

„Harry, lord! Where have you been for so long? You are next! I was so afraid you would have skipped. Thank god.“ Anne made one step towards him, embracing him in a hug. „What did you do?“ 

„I think I just made a friend?“ Harry told his mother, even though it came out more like a question than an actual statement. 

„Well...I mean, that’s great, Harry. But couldn’t have you done that afterwards?! I almost had a stroke, I felt.“

„Don’t be so dramatic, mum.“ mocked Harry.

„You, young man, don’t get to call me dramatic. You just disappeared for forever minutes before your audition.“ 

Just as Harry was about to come back with another witty comment, someone announced their presence. 

„Excuse me, Mister Styles, the candidate prior to you is leaving the stage right now. You are next. You and your mother may follow me.“ Some staff member instructed them. Anne nodded immediately, taking Harry’s hand. „You got this, sweetheart.“

And if this day hadn’t been eventful enough already, the picture painted perfect of a boy brushing Harry’s shoulder without even noticing while laughing, jumping and cheering, would have turned his world upside down regardlessly. The boy had a blonde, obviously bleached, fringe, which suited him perfectly, if one asked Harry, and an aura about him that made Harry almost stop in his motion, unable to tear his gaze away from the boy. Only his mother kept dragging him forward and eventually the boy was out of sight, gone around some corner without another look back. Thank god or he would have seen Harry stare like a maniac at him.

„Blow them away.“ His mother beamed with pride. 

The next moment he had been on stage, singing, still thinking about what had just happened, and in awe about how clearly he could see the most beautiful blue eyes he had ever spotted in his life, when he closed his own.

***

** 2015 **

„I can’t believe you. What the fuck?!?“ Niall exploded once they both shut their respective door to their shared SUV. „You knew about this shit all along?!? And you didn’t care to mention it to me one fucking time? What the fuck!“ 

„Let me explain. Please?“ Harry tried.

„We are not having this talk, Harry. I can’t even look at you right now! Just drive us home.“

Well, that was at least _something_ , Harry thought. Niall being in the car with him and Niall coming home with him. Often times, when their fights got out of control, Niall would just leave their flat and not come back for...well, for how long he needed to calm down. Harry didn’t say he necessarily liked it, but it did give them both space to breath...sometimes. But this time around, it felt like it didn’t matter where they would be, how far apart they would be, this argument was inevitable. 

„Niall, please...“ Harry attempted again, but was cut off by Niall in the passenger seat. „Harry, just...drive us home.“

„Okay.“ Harry could work with that. He would have expected Niall to shout and yell at him the moment they were alone, but even on the way down to the underground parking lot they didn’t exchange a single word. Niall just stomped several feet ahead of him, ignoring Harry completely. Deservedly so, Harry figured. He also figured that the worst was yet to come. Nevertheless he started the engine, rolling out of the parking lot and maneuvered the car into the city’s hectic afternoon traffic.

After a while of unbearable silence between them, due to Niall solemnly looking out of the window, Harry carefully spoke up. 

„Niall, I know you don’t want to hear it, but..“

„God damn right you are, Styles. So cut it!“ 

The worst thing was, Niall didn’t even raise his voice at him. His tone was accusing, yes. Did he scream though? No. He wanted Niall to though. Wanted Niall to show him how stupid and dump and disappointing he had been. Harry knew he fucked up. He wanted Niall to be mad, so Harry‘d promise him not to do it ever again. Something in Harry shifted at that thought however. It was probably already too late for that promise. He had to get his thoughts right. Priorities.

„You know, Harry, I‘am not even mad...I’m sad. I just don’t get it, why would you do this?“ Niall turned his head to him now.

„I...I don’t know, Niall. We got the letter, when you were in Ireland, I think, visiting your family for the first time in, I don’t know how long. Every time we texted or FaceTimed you seemed so happy, so at ease. And with everything that’s been going on recently...with Zayn, your family...I didn’t want to ruin it for you, I guess?“ Harry stood his gaze shortly, after taking a turn right, onto a busier street, packed with cars. 

„You guess? That’s rich, Harry! How about telling me afterwards? You had plenty of time. I‘ve been home in London for over five fucking months! Fucking Christ!“

„I wanted to. Really Niall...“

„Then why the fuck didn’t you?!? Give me one valid reason for lying to your boyfriend of over three fucking years!“ Niall yelled, his voice finally rising. „You are the one who chose to lie to me!“

Harry took another turn right, leading them to Mainstreet London. There seemed to be cars everywhere, just as Niall’s voice seemed to fill the whole car. He was so furious. His eyes wide open and sprinkled with red. His, normally so delicate cheeks, were blushed throughoutly. His perfectly styled quiff was now disheveled from tucking his hair in anger.

„I didn’t...“

„Don’t. Don’t say you didn’t lie to me, Harry, because you damn well know you did.“ Niall interrupted him. „Heck, you could have told me every day, any day. We were together almost every single day in the last months, if I reckon correctly. Even today, Harry...“ He turned his body to Harry as far as the seatbelt allowed. „You could have told me today before the damn meeting. But you willingly chose to let me in the blue about something you know means everything to me.“

„If I told you today, before the meeting, would it have changed anything, Niall?“ Harry argued. It’s not that he didn’t want to tell him, it’s just that...Harry didn’t know himself what to think anymore. For too many reasons.

„Yes, damnit!!! Knowing about that would have made all the difference. I love our band! They are my family and you didn’t even tell me it would be taken away from me! I can’t have my second family taken from me as well. What happened in Ireland last year...“ Niall trailed off briefly, watching some cars go by. He faced Harry again...with sadness...no anger, disappointment in his eyes. „How could you, Harry? I am your boyfriend, for Christ’s sake! I’m supposed to know about shit like that, am I not?“ Niall vividly shouted. 

„Motherfucker, bloody wanker!!!“ Harry screamed, drastically pulling the car left as another vehicle tried to overtake them at high speed mid city. „Watch where you are fucking going! Why not kill us, fucking idiot.“

„Harry.“ Niall said, his voice was shaking slightly. Whether it was due to the argument or the other car, Harry couldn't decide. Just like so much these days. He took Harry’s left hand from the shifting gear into his own. Both of their hands were shaking with fresh adrenaline.

„I‘m sorry for swearing, Ni.“ Harry breathed, bringing Niall’s hand up to his mouth, kissing it. 

„Don’t apologize for _that_ , Harry.“ Niall said, drawing his hand back again. Harry took a deep breath before speaking. 

„Listen, Niall, I, too, love that band, you know? Liam and Louis are like brothers to me, they are my best friends, but as close as they come to being family, they are not. They will never be. You are though.“ Harry paused, so he could steal a quick glimpse at Niall. „I am your family, Niall. Well, at least, I like to think so, because we love each other. But OneDirection is not. It was falling apart, and you didn’t even notice. You’ve been so preoccupied by saving the unfixable that you forgot about your _actual_ family. You said you are my boyfriend? Let me tell you something, Niall. The last few months sure as hell didn’t feel like that!“ To Harry’s own surprise, his voice got louder than he intended it to be. Hypocrite, him. 

„Well, I am fucking sorry then for trying to keep our life together, Harry.“ Niall hissed.

„But the band is not our life. It’s fucking more than that, than this stupid band.“

„Stop calling it fucking stupid! You know how I bloody feel about that. They _are_ family to me. Stop insulting them!“ voiced Niall, narrowing his eyes. „My god!“ Harry laughed humourlessly. „I had no idea they were your brothers by blood. What does that make us then? Our relationship? Incest?“ As soon as the words slipped his mouth, Harry knew he fucked up even more. Now he had also gotten so low to insult his boyfriend? How low did Harry sink? „You-.“ Niall’s mouth stood open. „I am sorry for not having the perfect family, perfect sister and mother like Mister Harry Styles. I am sorry for wanting to feel like I actually belong somewhere.“ 

That is not what Harry had meant. „You do belong somewhere, Niall. Next to me. In my arms. In my heart. You know that.“ Harry said breathlessly. „Sometimes you just have to let go?“ Niall shook his head incredulously at Harry. „Like my family you mean? Pretty sure I didn’t get to have that choice. You know...with them deciding-“ Niall bit his lips, closing his eyes. He was probably thinking about the, well...problematic relationship he had with his family. The divorce years ago. New partners at his parents side. Being confronted with the immense happiness of what it meant to have a child, a son...fearing that it might never come true for him. „That is not what I-“

„No!“ Niall stoped him with a decisive flick of his hand. „Let’s refocus...You do actually see that you make no sense Harry? If you told me we were to be fired in a few moths I would have stopped my efforts in the first place. Out time together would have looked completely different then. You are the one who lead me to believe that there still was hope, even after Zayn’s left.“ Niall deflected furiously. 

„Niall, you were so busy with yourself, your family, you probably wouldn’t have listened to me anyways.“ And it was the truth. Sure, Niall was always there with him, in the moment. They‘ve been together almost every day after he had returned from Ireland, but he always seemed so distant. Or was it Harry who seemed distant? Occasionally Harry didn’t even recognise himself.

  
„Don’t make me the villain in this, Harry! You are the one who wouldn’t talk to me! I tried to make you talk. Don’t blame me. I am not the one having been dismissive all the time! Do you even know when we last slept together? Or went on a date together? Because I don’t, Harry. Today was the most attention I've gotten from you in a very long time and that means something! I knew all along something was wrong, I am happy fucking Andrea told me now, because my boyfriend was incapable to do so. So thank you, really Harry, you did great at protecting me from reality, but guess what?!? Reality check. Being fired fucking hurts, losing your dream job fucking hurts...you fucking hurt me.“ Niall could barely breathe. He was full of rage, anger, sadness. Harry could see it all.

It hurt...it hurt so much, because Niall was Harry’s world. His everything and seeing him like that made him want to cry. Having everything Niall loved taken away from him made Harry go apeshit. He hated the world for doing this to Niall. Hated himself for doing this to Niall. Because Harry knew that Niall did do nothing wrong. That it had been him who closed himself off. That it was him who would break Niall’s heart. How could he tell him? How? 

„I‘m sorry, Ni.“ Harry said after a few minutes of deafening silence, placing his left hand on Niall’s thigh drawing small patterns on it. „For everything. I love you, okay? Never forget that.“ His hand wandered up to cup Niall’s cheek, surprisingly Niall gave in to the touch, which made Harry’s heart jump a few times in return. „I love you too, Harry.“ Now was the time.

„But Niall...“

„Huh?“ He looked up to Harry.

„I just feel like....“ Harry swallowed hard. „I just feel like I am losing grip of everything, like...like I am no longer in control of my own life. Shit just keeps happening and happening and I can’t do anything but watch. I don’t wanna be a witness to my own life, Ni. And...“ Harry didn’t exactly see Niall’s expression, because he had his eyes on the road, but he was sure Niall looked fairly shocked. Harry never said anything about what had been on his mind the last couple of months. Ever since Vienna.

It killed him. He was dying. 

Niall squeezed his hand, encouraging him to go on. 

„And I feel like I am losing you, too.“ Now he looked directly at Niall. Harry was pretty sure his heart broke just then and there. Because Harry didn’t even say what he wanted to say. Harry didn’t say, _I feel like you’re losing me_ , because he couldn’t. He just couldn’t stand seeing what _that_ would do to Niall.

_I love you so freaking much, Niall. It hurts._

„I...you...what?“ Niall whispered. 

***

** 2011 **

„So this is me.“ Niall announced, as they stepped into his room in Mullingar, Ireland. It had been a Monday, the first day of his one week long visit to Niall’s home town and the first time he entered Niall’s room.

„It’s lovely.“ Harry replied. And he meant it. Niall’s room was just as he imagined. A mixture of everything. There were different kinds of wood used in furniture as well as the most strange, yet so appealing, choices in decor. Well, one could barely call it that, it was more fittingly just the wildest forms of clutter everywhere. No corner, no spot was like the other or repetitively boring. Just like Niall’s open and loving personality, Harry noticed. Niall was interesting in every regard. His bad jokes, his good ones as well, his manners, his laugh and of course his eyes. Every-time Harry got so lucky to steal a proper glimpse at them, he was afraid he would drown in the endless ocean of purest blue hidden in them. And when Niall smiled, so his eyes got really big, he felt like he had to stop breathing, felt like the world should just stop and admire the generosity of the man Niall Horan, who probably didn’t even know how perfect he was. Why would someone like Niall possibly think that way? Niall always hid his teeth, when possible. Said he didn’t like them, but Harry thought those flaws made him even more appealing. They made him human, because otherwise Harry would have hardly been able the believe the mere existence of Niall Horan. Because perfect humans didn’t exist,  _no ones perfect_ he‘d been told, but heck...did Niall come close to that. 

And the thing was, Harry didn’t even know what made him think that way about his fiend...or maybe he did? Surely, he had never felt like that before.

„Nah, it’s not. So bugger off, ya dork. ´Is just weird.“ laughed Niall, throwing himself on the unmade bed. 

„I like weird.“ Harry stated, hoping it would reassure Niall in his choices, which quite frankly Harry found to be adorable. It reminded him of his own room, reminded him of home. With the strangest kinds of action figures standing next to wizarding merchandise on the same desk as two cacti, more dead than alive. Those especially recalled Harry of his room. He, as well, managed to kill off...several cacti. One thing Harry knew for sure, if this music career thing didn’t work out he would definitely not become a florist or gardener. He would be horrible at that job. Maybe baker. Harry could see himself being a baker in a small town where everyone knew each other and life was slow. Yeah, he could definitely see that. 

But that was not what they said. They said  _dream big_. So that was Harry had done. Dream big, following his dreams. The reason why he agreed to Simon’s offer to merge him and four other boys to one band. Hoping to make it big in OneDirection. 

He was happy about that chance, of course he was. He had felt some sort of pride, naturally, with being chosen to be part of something bigger. Yet, it also seemed as though the judges didn’t believe in him as an individual. Harry didn’t really know what to think about that. So he chose not to. That was how he always handled stuff. Don’t think about it, until it has become imminent. Then deal with it, but don’t ruin your days with overthinking that didn’t even happen.

„I can see that.“ Niall chuckled, patting the spot next to him on the bed. „Don’t insult me stuff, Styles. Come here, sit down.“

Harry smiled back at Niall, before moving to the bed, sitting down. 

„This is comfy.“ 

„No, it’s not. It’s like a 100 years old, Harry. It’s garbage. With the first money we earn, I definitely wanna buy meself a new bed, is what I’m gonna do.“ Niall said in a dreamy manner.

„I like it, your bed. I like that it’s old.“ That was the main reason the Horan house felt so familiar to home and made him feel so welcome. Everything in it had history and charm. Harry loved that. It was a pity Zayn, Liam and Louis didn’t want to come as well. They would have had a blast. Even though they’ve only been friends for the shortest time, they got along extremely well, but the other lads chose to stay in England, which was totally fine as well. Quality time with Niall alone was never a bad idea. And so far the trip really could hold up to its, admittedly high expectations. Niall’s family was the sweetest and Niall’s room immediately felt like home. Ireland overall had been beautiful already. Harry wondered why he had never been here before. It was magnificent. 

„Ehhh, that’s just because ya don’t have to sleep on it. Even the couch is more comfortable than that, ya lucky bastard.“ Niall’s laughter filled the room.

„We can always switch? I wouldn’t mind sleeping here. My own bed is at least a 150 years old.“ Harry teased, at which Niall had to laugh some more.

„Nah, mate, me mother would probably have me guts or something. Even she thinks the couch is better.“

„We can’t have that, now can we?“ Harry brought one hand up to his mouth in playful shock. 

„Exactly, it would be a terrible waste.“ smirked Niall, leaning back against the wall his bed stood against. Harry only rolled his eyes. „Your mother is an angel though.“

„Yes, to guests. Plus, I think she has already fallen hopelessly in love with those god damn curls of yours.“ Niall snickered, lightly tugging on one stray of hair, involuntarily brushing Harry’s right cheek. As Harry felt blush rising on his cheeks again, he abruptly turned his head to the side, so Niall would not see what effect he had on him. Niall’s hand, however remained for mere seconds.

The whole situation somehow became extremely awkward. 

„Well, I mean, who doesn’t?“ Harry tried gazing through the fringe now covering his eyes. 

„You’re probably right about that.“ Was the only answer Harry got. 

They then passed the time just playing video games, chatting away on the bed laying opposite from each other. Their feet occasionally touched, causing the both of them to blush, when the touch had lingered more than usual. They had dinner as well later on. Maura made traditional, Irish food to celebrate Harry’s visit, which was delicious. Harry might have told her that several times. He stole a smile or laughter from her every single time. „You are a charming one, are you not, Harry?“ she chuckled. „Better keep him around, Nialler, he could teach you lot.“

Niall just glared hilariously. „I am a delight, thank you very much.“

„That you are.“ Harry wasn’t sure whether it was him who said it or Maura.

They spent the next day in and around Niall’s home, since it had been a mostly rainy day. During the few rays of sunshine Niall showed him their backyard, his mother’s flowers she was so proud of and his neighborhood, he grew up in. Seeing all of that made Harry think about his own. His own neighborhood, his own backyard, and ,yes, his own plants he occasionally looked after. He had never been very consistent, to say the least. It made him about how similar total strangers could be, knowing technically nothing about each other. Honestly, it didn’t feel like Niall and him were strangers. It more was something like a feeling he could not quite hold. Like they had known each other for a lifetime and just never happened to meet. And now that they did, everything seemed to fall into place.

The evening that day was uneventful. They watched some movie about an unrealistic heist in America on Niall’s old laptop in his room, talked some more afterwards and then went to sleep. 

On Wednesday Niall took him to the local cinema. They came to notice their shared love for films, action movies and old Hollywood glamour. The film was fairly good, even though Harry forgot most about it as they stepped outside again, the sunlight catching Niall’s petit face, roaming it like a picture waiting to be taken. 

So Harry did. Mentally that was. He mesmerized Niall, every single detail about Niall, as he stood there smiling, laughing, rambling on about that  _one_ scene in the movie no one but him laughed at and how funny it actually it had been. Harry promised, as creepy, weird, strange as it might have been, to never forget that, like he just did with the movie. That pure picture of joy in front of him. Niall.

„...you look at me like that?“ 

„Huh?“ snapped Harry out of his thoughts.

„You’re such a weirdo, snap out of it. One might think you fancy me, Styles.“ Niall teased. 

„You?!? I would never. Told you I liked weird.“ Harry shook his head. „You are out of my league anyways.“

„Excuse you?!? You totally would.“ 

Thing was, Harry totally had.

***

**2015**   
  


They didn’t really speak much after what Harry had said. Which was painful as such, because it wasn’t even the whole truth. It made Harry wonder how Niall would have reacted if he had told him everything. Maybe Harry should. Tell him everything. How though? He had no idea. How could he willingly tell Niall that their lives were falling apart? How? 

It was most likely the best to just further suppress his feelings. To keep on doing, what he has always done. Ignore that stain, this inevitably he had no control over. What should he do, when he could not do anything anyways? The only thing that Harry had left was Niall’s happiness, their relationship. He would not take Niall’s happiness away from him. 

Perhaps he already had?

Every time he glanced at Niall on their remaining way home to their London apartment, Harry saw nothing that looked remotely like happiness. He fucked up. He truly, genuinely fucked up. He should have just told him. But he didn’t, yet he still could. About the other thing. Benjamin Franklin put it so fittingly, _death is the only certainty in life_. Sad, the truth nonetheless. 

_I don’t want to ever leave you Niall. Stay._

Even as Harry tried to calm Niall by taking his hand, Niall only brushed it off. He clearly was fucking pissed. Honestly, who could blame him? Harry couldn’t. 

Once they had reached their apartment building and had stepped into their flat on the 10th, Niall announced he would be taking a shower. Without another word, Niall was off to the bathroom. 

Harry remained in the corridor for a few more moments, still looking after Niall as the door to the bathroom had already been closed long ago. 

_Fuck,_ Harry cursed under his breath. He decided to pour him some water, to fight the headache he could sense emerging. As he drank the water, he wondered whether it was best to sip it slowly or to drink it all in one go. Harry figured the latter one. In one go the ice cold water was gone, painfully making its way down his throat. He then switched on his smartphone, seeing that his sister had called him several times. Harry probably didn’t notice on the drive home. He pressed the call button.

„You little fucker!“ was how the call began. „I hate you, Harry. I really do.“ 

„You love me.“ Harry retorted, which was rewarded with a huff on the other side. 

„I‘ve been dying to know how the meeting went! You promised to call me, arse.“ 

Right, the meeting he didn’t tell his boyfriend about, but his sister. That made it feel so much worse. 

„Well, how do you think it went? We are unemployed now, I guess.“ Harry reported dryly. 

„It‘s not that you need the money anyways.“ Gemma joked. 

„Gemma...not funny.“ Harry went over to one of the big living room windows, observing the traffic and the people on the street below. He had everything in the world one could wish for. A supportive family, more money than he could spend, the best fans in the world, amazing friends that were like brothers to him and a loving boyfriend. Still…looked upon from afar, it seemed all so inessential. None of that had to power to fundamentally change anything. It didn’t keep the sun from going down and from coming up again. It didn’t stop the would from turning, it didn't stop the seasons to change. It didn’t stop the time from passing by. Harry was out of time.

„I know, I‘m sorry.“ She sighed calmly. In essence, Harry had told Gemma about today and what it would come down to. One can still have hope, right? That things turn out differently.

_ Niall, I love you. I don’t want to, but I fear I‘ve lost my hope.  _

„What are you gonna do now?“ Gemma asked. 

„Honestly, Gemma, I don’t know. I have no idea. Jeff already texted me couple of times. Wants to talk about the next steps. I...I just don’t know, if I even want do anything? I feel like I’ve just been pushed off the craziest ride of my life. I don't know if I’m ready to take on another one already.“

„I understand that. You don’t have to do anything though. You don’t have to sign another contract that suffocates you. Just talk to Jeff about that. He has always helped you. I trust him with that.“

„I will. I will eventually. Just needa bit of time, I guess. It‘s been a weird day. Never thought it would come to this.“ Harry concluded.

„Yeah, take your time.“ Gemma shortly hesitated. „How‘s Niall...how did Niall take it?“

Harry dragged himself from the window he had been leaning against and plumed onto the couch.

„What do you think?“ No answer. „I fucking fucked him over and he’s understandably pissed. It’s my fault. I made his world come down today. What do I do?“ 

„You really want an answer to that Harry?“ Gemma inquired. 

„I suppose not.“

„You could have just told him, Harry...“

„Gems, please. We‘ve been through this.“ cut Harry off. They had talked about that countless times. That Harry wouldn’t tell him and how disappointed Gemma was and how disappointed Niall would be.

„Exactly. Still, I have no clue about your reasoning behind that. You always said,  _just listen Gemma._ And I have always had an open ear for you.“ There was silence after that. After a a deep sigh Harry continued. „We argued. Like...properly argued.“ 

„What did you expect, Harry? Really?“ 

„I don’t know. That, probably? I am not surprised. I mean, I understand him. He’s got every right to be pissed. I just wished he would talk to me, fight with me, yell at me. Show me how wrong I’ve been, so I’ll never do it again. Give me courage to be more honest with him, I dunno. Whatever, I fucked up anyway.“

„Stop saying that. Mother would have your head.“ Gemma chuckled briefly. „Where is he? What is he doing right now?“

Harry sat up, peered in the mere direction of the bathroom, noting that the water had already stopped. „In the bathroom. Took a shower.“

„That’s great! Now go to him, apologize, promise you‘ll better yourself and that you will handle everything, then have hot, gay sex in the shower. Easy as that. It’s Niall, Harry. He’s literally your better half. He loves you, probably even more than mum does, if that’s possible. For gods sake, you are  _Niall and Harry._ You‘ll sort it out, alright? Don’t leave him waiting, you have hurt him. Least you can do is to sincerely apologize.“

He didn’t respond with anything to that. Gemma wasn’t wrong. They made it work, they made them work, against all odds. They accomplished something most thought was impossible. They had fallen in, but more importantly had stayed in love while touring the world non stop, without an end in sight. They could have had any boy or girl they wanted. They could have been young, try different things, different lovers, but they didn’t. They always came back to each other. They were like gravity, they were an inevitability.

„Thank you, you know.“ Harry stated.  „What for?“ laughed Gemma.

„For that. Being a good, responsible, older sister and lecturing me about my life.“ He chuckled.  „Please, that’s my job. Though, I did not tell you anything new. I know you knew, you’re just dumb sometimes, but I love you for that, little bro.“

„One too many, Gemma. Goodbye.“ Harry playfully snickered, about to hang up.

„What? No, you little fucker, say you love me ba-...“ 

He stood up, slowly making his way over to the bathroom door. Little to his surprise, it was locked.

„Niall?“ He knocked, waiting for a reaction.

„No, Harry. Not now.“ 

„But I...I‘d like to talk. Can we please talk?“ Harry said. 

„Not now.“ Niall repeated, obviously annoyed. 

„I‘m sorry, okay. Niall, I never wanted...“

„For fucks sake, Harry. I am taking a shit! Not now!“ Niall exclaimed. 

„Oh, uhh then. I am sorry again...for well... interrupting you.“ Harry muttered, stepping away from the door. „I love you.“

***

** 2012**

„I hate _those_.“ Louis loudly communicated his distaste of tabloid interviews. „They are the literal worst, noisy bastards. ´Is what they are.“

„True.“ agreed Liam. 

„They do really piss me off.“ Louis further ranted. „ _How long have you been dating. Did you already sleep with each other?_ That‘d been a good one. I can’t believe we‘ve been asked that today, can you?“

„No.“ Liam incredulously shook his head, chuckling. „If it weren’t so god damn embarrassing, dogging those questions, it would almost be funny.“ 

„Nah, it‘s just pathetic.“ Zayn intervened. 

„Exactly!“ Louis glared. „ _How many times did you sleep with Perry today, Zayn? More or less than five times? And Liam, since Danielle is not with us here in America, already had a wank? Proper few, I assume?_ “ Louis mocked the reporter on their way from a venue to their hotel. And Harry got it. He really did. They could get quite invasive and personal. Especially so, if it came to personal matters. They seemed to hardly care about their professional life or their music. They were, so it appeared to Harry, completely reduced by reporters to only their looks. And if you asked for Harry’s opinion, it was rather disrespectful. They were more than just tattoos, abs, hairstyles for Christ’s sake. 

Sometimes though no one cared, not even their label, cared about what they had to say or what their ideas were. In what direction they, as members, wanted the band to go. Apparently there truly was only _one_ direction, their management’s. But what kind of musician was Harry if he wasn't allowed to use his  _own_ voice, his  _own_ words. If he only said what they told him to. Where was the genuineness in that? That circumstance was something Harry caught his mind coming back to constantly. And he could not make up his mind what to actually think about that. 

„ _I hear wedding bells, considering how happy you two are? When will the wedding be?_ “ Liam joined Louis at mimicking the interviewers. He stretched his arm out, holding an imaginary microphone in front of Louis. „Bugger off.“ Louis pushed Liams arm away, out of his face. He then saw Harry stare at them. At this W hole situation really.He just couldn’t relate to that, even if he tried. He was in no relationship, never had been. So this was a different world he was no part of. He could only sit and watch. Like a movie. This was Harry’s life however, not a bad movie with a miserable end. 

Often times though, it just felt like that. When his friends were out with their girlfriends or were on double dates or whatsoever. When he was alone in his room, thinking about what would happen if he were to enter a relationship. Whether he would even be allowed to if his significant other happened to be a man. After all there was a somewhat 50/50 chance that would happen. Being bisexual, as he figured out himself just recently, had something very liberating, but also something very restricting. Considering that he probably would not be allowed to embrace one half of him.  _It wouldn't sell well,_ they would say. That was why his label didn’t know. Only the boys knew. Sure they were nothing but supportive, even tried to ship them with people, questionable acquaintances they barely knew, but Harry’s heart wasn’t into that. It always felt absent, like it already was...belonged somewhere else.

And sure most of the time when Louis, Liam and Zayn were out, he spent his time with Niall, since he had been single as well and his best friend. Nevertheless, even if unintentionally, he felt excluded from time to time, just because he was different. He fucking hated it. Certainly Niall felt the same. So crashing in each other rooms, binge-watching entire movie franchises, and comforting each other was only natural and made them feel less different, because they were just the same. They understood each other on a level the other boys never could. 

„So...“ Louis began, clearing his throat. „Anyone you pals fancy, huh?“ He pointed at Harry and Niall who looked a bit startled. Harry would say they both weren’t completely comfortable with embracing their...well sexuality. With embracing being different. At the end of the day they were only teens and too young. On lonely nights Harry found he was too young to tour the world, to make million after million, to be away from the comfort of his home.

„No lads for you? Well, or both for that matter. I find that hard to believe. Come on, guys. Anyone?“ His eyes shifted from Harry to Niall, trying to make the whole conversation lees awkward by including them into their conversation.

Niall swallowed quickly. „No?“

„Really? No one who captured little Niallers heart. There’s gotta be someone!“ Liam jumped in. 

„Bet there are plenty around the world.“ Zayn deliberately contemplated. „Though most of them are probably girls...“ He shrugged. „Harry you could take a shot. Today I‘ve seen this girl, she was in like third row. You would have liked her.“

„Thanks.“ Niall retorted. 

„What? We are wingmen for everyone. Jealous, Nialler?“ Louis pointed out. 

„Of Harry?“ He turned to looked at Harry, grinning. „Only of his height.“ 

„I am hurt, Niall. What about my locks? You‘ve always loved my locks.“ Harry defend himself.

„On you, yes.“ Niall said without missing a beat. 

Oh.

That was interesting. They were always complimenting each other, but this felt different in some sense. The way Niall had looked at him, before snapping his gaze away quickly, blushing fiercely. Additionally the following silence was from the upmost strangeness, and yet charm. Harry found comfort in the split second only Niall and him existed, where his heart jumped, took a turn and fell into place again. That had never happened before. 

_Do it again, Niall_ . 

Outside of Harry’s bubble Liam rambled on, unfazed by this situation. „How about Justin? Justin Bieber. You love him, don’t you?“ 

„Don’t think he's gay, mate.“ Louis argued.

„Why not? I mean, he could be. You should call him, Niall.“ Liam suggested encouragingly. 

More than that Harry didn’t hear, everything was blurred after Niall had turned to him again and rolled his eyes at their friends, smiling so hard his braced teeth showed. There and then, Niall and Harry were in a different world, a different reality. At least Harry felt so. Somewhere, where no one else could go but them. 

Harry loved that feeling.

°°°

„Niall? You in there?“ Harry asked through the door from the sleeping bunks into the living room, if you could call it that in a tourbus. 

„Yeah. Come in.“ 

After Harry stepped inside he sat down next to Niall on the sofa, putting his feet on the small table in front of it.

„Why did you knock? It‘s not like it’s my room or somethin‘.“ 

„Why did  _you_ say I  _could_ come in? Isn’t that something you normally only do in your own room?“ 

„Touché." Niall grinned. „You hungry? There’s food. The lads ordered something before they‘ve left.“ Niall implied without looking up from the tablet in his hands, watching something.

„Nah, already had a smoothie. Not hungry.“ He observed Niall. Taking everything in. His freckles, his pimples, his dark, outgrown roots which made Harry go weak to his knees. He enjoyed Niall having his hair like that. It looked good, even more so styled in his significant quiff.

„You really gotta stop looking at me like that, Harry. You’re a creep, you know that?“ Niall tore his gaze away from the screen up to Harry.

„Don’t wanna though. Quite like looking at you.“ Harry stated innocently.

„Fucking sap.“ Niall huffed, chuckling. 

„What‘cha doing anyway?“ inquired Harry further. Not one single bit less innocently.

„Does it really matter? I‘m afraid not, I guess?“ Niall guessed fairly right, it wouldn’t make any difference at all. Harry had something on his agenda that needed to be taken care of. So he would.

„I‘ve got a proposal to make.“ Harry articulated, taking the tablet from Niall before tossing it on the other side of the couch.

„You do?“ Niall expectedly raised an eyebrow.

„Indeed.“ Harry smirked. Hopefully he wasn’t completely wrong about Niall and the obvious friction between them. „I would like to display the offer that I think we should fuck. Like I really think we should. Why are we not having sex right now, Niall?“

“Harry?“ Niall yanked to him with wide eyes. „What?“ His smile flickered, struggling to endure, before his lips turned into a thin line. He scratched the back of his head as his gaze focused on something in the otherwise of the room. It was like Niall couldn’t bear to look at Harry. A bright, red blush adored Niall’s cheeks. Harry couldn’t tell whether Niall was embarrassed or flattered, since he hid his face from Harry. Maybe he really had been wrong? Though, that would mean...for Harry to fucking swallow his...well feelings? He guessed so, because he really, really did like Niall a lot. Not like he was fond of Liam, Louis and Zayn, no. God no! But in a more emotional way? Frankly, Harry was attached and detaching would take a long fucking time.

“Well...“ Harry said. His voice was thin, weak. As insecure as it hadn’t been for a long time. That was Niall for Harry however. Making him feel like he could scale mountains, travel seas and reach the moon...and...making him turn into a five year old who would melt under Niall’s gaze if he just lingered long enough. Right now, Harry felt more like the latter one. „I thought you...I...and the last mounts and all and Ireland a few years back. I was wrong I guess?“ He rambled. „So just...forget I ever said anything, alright? Or maybe don’t. Because that‘d be weird too, I s‘pouse.“ Harry jumped to his feet awkwardly. „I‘ll just go. Let you continue to watch your show or whatever.“ He tuned on his heels, aiming for his bunk. Perhaps to hide perpetually? Probably.

Harry didn’t get too far, much to his surprise. Niall grabbed his arm. His fingers felt too hot against Harry’s skin, so much so he was afraid Niall would just burn through his bones, leave his marks forever. Maybe that was what Harry actually wanted? Who knew? He certainly did not. „Harry, wait.“ Niall was standing as well. He moved his hands to Harry’s shoulder, turning him around softly. And...fuck! Those damn blue eyes.

“Why are you nervous?“ Niall asked nonplussed. His palms found their way down to Harry’s hands. Niall’s fingers began playing with several of Harry’s rings, he‘d just started to wear more regularly. „It’s me, yeah? Look at me.“ Niall cupped Harry’s cheek, so they would face each other again. Study their eyes and hearts. He whispered. „What do you want? Tell me. Again?“ Niall stepped closer. His chest almost touched Harry’s and his head was tilted. Niall’s lips ghosted across Harry’s face, a slight amount of stubble against his cheeks.

“You make me feel so many things, you know that?“ Harry said, because it was true, wasn’t it?  


“Do I?“ Niall inquired almost innocently. „Tell me, what kind of things? How do I make you feel?“

Harry chuckled as Niall’s expression changed from innocent to seductive. It seemed like a conformation. An _okay_ for Harry to proceed. There went nothing, really. „Well-“ Harry placed his hand on Niall’s back, in order to press them together tightly. „A lot of things. You make me feel a lot of things, Niall. All of ˋem“ He glanced up to Harry. Niall’s head was still tilted, waiting. He parted his lips, licking them slowly while curling one hand in Harry’s locks, tugging on it. Fuck! Niall was being so bloody hot, shit! Harry noticed his breaths were becoming shallow, his chest tightened. Blood was rushing south-wards, anticipating.

Embarrassingly enough, that...it did not go unnoticed. Niall smirked down to Harry’s waist, grinding his own hips against Harry’s bulge with way to much patience for Harry’s liking. „I see.“ hushed Niall against Harry’s ear. „How about you show me all the things I make you feel?“ Niall slid his hands under Harry’s shirt, biting his ear lightly and dragging them back to the sofa as Niall placed tender kissed down Harry’s jaw.

And well...and that was that.

***

**2013**

The show was pretty amazing, so Harry would think. They were in Dublin, Ireland, right now. And even though it had been quite chilly throughout the entire show, Harry had enjoyed it. He really, immensely enjoyed it.

Singing, dancing, well, as far as his moves were considered dancing, watching the crowds. Hearing the crowds sing along. That had always been something spectacular. There had never been one time where the crowd failed to make shivers run down his spine, blasting their songs a top of their lungs. He was addicted. He craved it. It was an undoubtedly, abundantly urge. The adrenaline running through his veins. His hair standing up. His whole body filled, radiating electricity.

Frankly, it was the best feeling one could have. And honestly, Harry thought, it probably had been the reason why he kept up with the stressful, draining life of One Direction. The demanding, unthankful days of being in a boy band. He hated being reduced to merely a group.

They were individuals, all of them. Yet they were always seen as a collective by the media, critics and even by people they considered close. Without hesitation they had robbed his individuality and made it merge with the other’s. If it hadn’t been for their fans that were seeing them, mostly, as unique beings, Harry would have lost his mind a long time ago. He was positive, he wouldn’t even have made it through the first year. Still, sometimes, no matter how much love he felt, received, whether that was by fans, family, friends or...Niall, maybe? Hopefully one day.

He still wondered how he would keep his personality alive. How would he do that? When with every passing show, with every passing year it got harder? So much harder. A scary thing to say. Being in this band, although, of course, they were his friends, made him loose himself.

His mother had told him, years ago at the X-Factor audition that he had what it would take. That he could stun them all, charm them all. So why did he lose himself then? He was in this endless sea of fame, money, power he had never asked for. All he ever wanted was to be normal. Ordinary, perhaps. A simple life with moderate problems.

But here he was. On stage, again, in Dublin in front of ten of thousands, while unforgiving rain was pouring down on them. The chills of the night, freezing his bones, so Harry felt like. His lips were blue and his eyes were probably red from crying.

So maybe, after all, the rain hadn’t been too bad. No one could see his tears. Maybe the rain could wash it all away...the motion, this feeling of drowning he had experienced, especially over the last couple of months. An ironic thought, but. Harry was suffocating. He wanted to scream, tell everyone how he was feeling. That he was drained, both physically and emotionally. He wanted to admit that he had reached the end of the road for this journey. That, if he were to continue, he would break. Harry would shatter eventually, ultimately. He knew that. It would come crumbling down on him, all of his walls he had built up to keep this going. Something, though, was pulling him further and further down, taking his breath away. How was he to scream, if he couldn’t even speak? If he didn’t even have a voice?

Harry turned his gaze away from the crowd, up to the sky, looking at the stars that shed their light through. A huge, dark cloud dragged itself slowly through the night, revealing the sky for a brief moment. A moment of hope.

Harry hoped the rain, again, would be as effective as before. Wiping his tears away. Yes, the thoughts he had been having made him sad, even here. Even when fans cheered at him, idolized him. Even when he was supposed to have fun.

Who could pull him out of this? Something had to change. But the thing that had scared Harry the most, was that he didn’t feel like he was strong enough to do it himself. Hadn’t been for a long time. Didn’t they see, how miserable he was?

Yet, Harry couldn’t blame them, not really. He tied his best at keeping his facade, this charade up. He hated being seen as weak. Harry wasn’t weak, was he? Only weak ones give in, only fools give up, right?

Didn’t anyone see?

Suddenly, as Harry began to feel the salt on his face being washed away, he sensed a hand on the lower of this back. This touch was brief, slight, ghost like almost. Like Harry would break, if had been too harsh.

„You alright?“ A voice asked. The touch, and the calmness that had come with it, faded away.

Harry turned around slightly to where someone stood behind him. To his surprise, or perhaps not at all to his surprise, he stared directly at Niall. He was close, too close...or not close enough. Definitely not close enough. Harry wanted to dive into the warmth Niall was radiating. Wanted, no, urged to feel it. Just like he craved hearing the fans sing.

Ever since they had started their....thing? Their agreement, whatever it was. In any way, it had been going on for quite some time now. If Harry had guess, he would say it had been going on for around six months.

It had been surprisingly easy to persuade Niall. They were both lonely, Niall had said, so why not? Always wanking on your one, ain‘t fun, Niall had merely laughed. That was it really. That was how they ended up together, not only with mutual wanks, but basically with...well, fucking. And it was fucking great. Harry loved it. Loved more than just the fucking part of it, he guessed.

Because, as strange as it might seem, for Harry it had never been only sex. He had never left Niall’s room immediately after, neither did Niall leave his room if they happed to end up there. They always took their time. Took care of each other, really. Took it slow, most of the times, just thriving in each other’s presence, so it felt. And thing was, while the fucking aspect of it all was certainly pleasing, satisfying, it wasn’t what Harry enjoyed the most. It was the cuddles afterwards. The countless hours of talking, snickering, laughing at each other. That was what Harry never wanted to ever have to miss in his life.

It striked Harry, that in a strange way, they had become so much closer...in every way possible. Their friendship had been growing non stop. However, if it came down to Harry’s opinion, for him, it wasn’t just friendship, so he feared. He was attached, addicted to the feeling only Niall was able to give him. The feeling of home. A moment where the world stopped spinning and all Harry felt was that Niall belonged in his arms. And no matter where, that was his home.

Harry was falling. Was falling hard and he never had planned to do so.

Yet, he perceived, his heart told him so at least, that it was some sort of inevitability. It felt so right, so good. A spark, fueling his engine to keep going. If he didn’t have Niall, Harry wouldn’t know where he would have ended up. Niall was the only good thing happening to him in the last year.

It was bound to happen, Gemma smiled, as he confined her in his feelings for Niall, when he was home in London. She ruffled his hair, laughing.

„Harry, I knew it was gonna happen sooner or later. I don’t think you’re aware of how much you kept babbling on about this mysterious, blond boy from the audition. I understand though. He is cute.“ Gemma smiled. „Your face lit up every time you spoke of him. You‘ve liked him for the longest time. Now you just have to act on it. What do you have got to loose?“ She asked.

A ridiculous question, really, nevertheless Harry had listened to her. Thank god, because Niall had kept him from drowning this way. His smile, his eyes, his laugh, his adorable accent....just everything about Niall was perfect in Harry’s eyes. Everything. Harry hoped Niall, by any chance, might feel the same way. He should ask him. He really should, seeing as this friends with benefits was not doing it anymore for Harry. It wasn’t enough. It just was not. Harry wanted it all. Hopefully Niall would let him.

„Yeah, sure. I‘m alright.“ Harry croaked, vaguely smiling at him before he wiped his face from the water that was stinging in his eyes. Rain and tears alike.

Louis, Zayn as well as Liam were goofing around with the audience at the other side of the stage, announcing the final song of the evening.

„I saw you crying.“ Niall argued. He clearly was concerned. His face was all wrinkled. Harry could see it, even with Niall’s fringe covering his features. He was soaked like all of them.

„Why? Is it the rain? Is it too hard on you?“ Niall playfully tried to snicker. He had no idea how right he was. Or maybe he did.

„I- it wasn’t...“ Harry swallowed.

„Oi!“ interrupted Louis abruptly. Apparently they were ready to sing and end this show. „Come here, lads!“ He waved over to Niall and Harry, ushering them towards their spot, where Zayn as well as Liam were already in their positions. „`Is hardly a proper finale without you dorks.“

„Later.“ Niall sent him a short lived smile, squeezing his hand, before running over to Louis.

Harry nodded. That was okay. He could work with later. That way he still had time to decide ifhe wanted to be completely honest with Niall, hoping he wouldn’t scare him away, in more than one way, or if Harry wanted things to continue like this.

Honestly, both options didn’t necessarily sit well with Harry.

„O-okay.“ Harry whispered, following Niall.

***

**2015**

After entering the living room again, Harry didn’t really have a clue as to what he should do next. Kind of everything was fucked up now. His job, his entire career, his relationship...his whole life as a matter of fact. Harry’s life didn’t matter though, Niall was the one, the only one who mattered. The guilt of knowing he fucked up his life, too gnawed on Harry, as he just stood there.

Alone, surrounded by pictures of his friends, family, of him and Niall. How did it come so far that even his own home didn’t feel familiar anymore? He sat down on the sofa once more.

It had gotten cold again already. The cool leather under him sent chills over his body. Harry tried to be patient and wait for Niall to finish, but his mind was too restless. His thoughts were going wild. There were just too many. He had no idea how to regain control over this mess he called his life. He had always thought that, with the help of Niall, he could do anything. That he was invincible. That, at the end of the day, Niall would always be there to help him back on his feet.

But, if Harry was cruelly honest with himself, he had to admit that he had never seen Niall so angry, especially so angry with him. Harry refused to believe he messed this, their love up too. It just was not possible. It couldn’t be.

He contemplated checking his phone as sone sort of distraction. His fished it out of his pocket, switching it on. Several messages plopped up immediately, filling his screen with appointments, schedules and other pointless stuff. He couldn’t bear looking at those right now, let alone think any of this through. Harry knocked his phone onto the sofa, after rubbing his face, trying to rub the pain away. He texted Louis though. Just a simple text.

_**Are you free later? Can I call? x** _

It didn’t work. It had never worked before. They say, when faced with difficult or challenging times in life, all one had to do was to stay optimistic, even if everything looked grim. Harry tried that as well. It, too, didn’t work, unsurprisingly so.

As Harry heard Niall shuffle in the bathroom, he stood up hastily, seeing Niall would be coming any moment now. However, as he did that, Harry had to wince. His face deforming in excruciating pain. He didn’t feel it that much all day, for the last few day really. Doctors said he was in recession after all, but considering his condition, they had explained to him, a relapse was imminent.

He went over to one of the drawers in the kitchen, almost stumbling over his own feet. His lower back felt like it was on fire. His skin was burning, and the flames were spreading rapidly. Harry attempted to merely focus on breathing as he searched for his medicine, he had been keeping in here, so Niall wouldn’t get suspicion. He finally found the right painkillers, plopped a few of them into his hand and swallowed them dryly without water. Harry collapsed against the fridge, exhaling deeply.

The pain was killing him.

„What are you doing?“ Niall asked, stepping into the living room and watching Harry through the door.

He didn’t hear him coming.

„Nothing.“ Harry said. „Can we talk?“

„Please.“ Niall replied, taking a seat on an armchair across from the sofa. So the cold couch it is again, Harry thought. Niall’s head was turned towards the windows. It seemed as though he was watching the clouds pass by, which was beneficial since Harry wouldn’t have liked for Niall to see him pulling faces with every step he was taking.

Niall looked lost, Harry had noticed as he closed in on him. They both probably looked quite lost.

With a sigh Harry practically fell onto the couch, forcing himself to sit up straight...and to keep a straight face. Now was not the time.

Niall shifted his gaze from the windows to Harry. „Alright-“

„No, let me?“ Harry impended. He had been the one fucking this up, least he could to was to clean this mess up as well. „Can...can I start?“

Niall examined him, before he nodded silently. He still was so furious, Harry could sense it. They were each other’s books to read. Harry could read Niall, so he just knew that Niall wouldn’t be able to forgive him for a long time. It was a wonder, almost, that Niall didn’t say anything about Harry’s change in behavior, especially recently. Harry was positive, he had noticed.

He cleared his throat, not exactly knowing where to start.

„So...Niall, I have no clue what so say, really. So I...so I just gonna start with apologizing to you.“ Harry took a deep breath, shaking. Niall on the other hand remained completely motionless. „I fucked up. I really fucked up this time, Niall. And-“ Harry glanced up, finding Niall’s eyes. It made him shiver. „And you can’t imagine how sorry I am. How sorry I am for how things have turned out, that I didn’t tell you, that I was dishonest. And even for swearing.“

Niall chuckled humorlessly. „Harry-.“

„No, wait. I‘m not finished yet. Can I, please?“ He stared at Niall with big, sad eyes. „Yeah, go on. I didn’t want to interrupt you.“

„I‘m sorry, alright? I know it’s a lot to ask for, probably a bit soon too, but i hope you will forgive me? I never wanted to hurt you. Didn’t wanna destroy your happiness. My only intent was to protect you. In hindsight, I did fail at that tremendously, but-.“ Harry shook his head incredulously. „I love you. I love you so much, Niall. So, so much. And I want to never hurt you again.“ After Harry had finished, his eyes became wet, tears running danger of finding their way down his face. The anticipation as to what Niall would say was torturous. Harry couldn’t read him. For one of the first times ever since they had met all these years ago.

Niall exhaled, deeply through his nose. „Harry, you sound like you’re doubting my love for you.“ Niall watched him shuffling uncomfortably on the sofa. Harry was afraid, yes, that Niall would have trouble forgiving him. After all, how could Niall understand what Harry had done, if Harry himself hadn’t been able to wrap his head around the question why he actually did it.

„I love you too, you dork.“ Niall said, smiling lightly. „I‘m yours remember?“ Harry agreed. They were made for each other. „You‘ve got to deal with me, Styles. Perpetually, `is what you said to me, if I reckon correctly, on the day we have gotten together no less. You‘ve always been over confident, haven’t you?“ Niall grinned, although his lips remained quite thin.

„That means, though, that I‘ve also got to deal with you, you know?“ Harry stared at him questionably. „And sometimes you are an awful lot to cope with...Like today.“

Niall’s last words hang heavily in the room. In the air between them. Like the guilt, dragging Harry down.

„I- I just want to know why? Why, Harry, didn’t you tell me? It would have happed anyway, no matter if you had told me or not. I don’t understand.“

Harry didn’t know either.

„Honestly, I have no idea.“ Niall crooked an eyebrow at him, unconvinced. „I am serious, love. I guess...Probably I didn’t want to believe it myself?“ Harry tried. „And your happiness is the most important thing in my life. I suppose I couldn’t bear seeing you sad as well. I couldn’t let us both be miserable about something neither of us could change.“

„That’s a selfish thing to do, Harry. Taking that decision from me, just so I could cheer you up if you felt down.“ Niall accused, voice thin and thinner.

„I know that and I am sorry. I mean it, Niall. I won’t keep anything from you. You’re everything that’s good in my life. I don’t want to hurt you ever again.“ Harry gulped over his tears. This day had been shit. He argued with Niall, his lower back was hurting like hell and on top of that he lost his job as well. Fucking great. Nevertheless, Harry meant everything he said.

But...there are things too unspeakable to put into words.

Niall stood up from the armchair, making his way around the coffee table, before sitting down next to Harry. He was so close, Harry could feel the familiar warmth coming off from Niall. All he wanted to do was to cuddle him and cry, until there was nothing left to do. Niall shifted his feet, so he sat crosslegged on the sofa. His body was facing Harry’s. Niall still crawled impossibly closer, inviting Harry to do the same.

So he did. Although he internally screamed from the pain this position had caused him, he forced himself to keep it together. Then they just sat there. In their sadness, breathing each other.

After awhile, Niall whispered. „I love you.“

He crawled out of his position, waiting for Harry to open his arms. Without hesitation Harry welcomed his world. He would give everything to hold his life, his love in his arms for forever. At least...just a little bit longer.

Caught up in his thoughts, Harry embraces Niall, while he snuggled into him. Niall’s hands closed behind Harry’s back, hugging him, not letting him go.

„We gonna get through this.“ Harry mumbled into Niall’s ear, his hand coming up to run through Niall’s blond hair. It was soft and smooth in his fingers. Niall had taken a shower.

„I know.“ Niall hushed back, barley audible. „But only if we are going to be honest and open with each other. You know everything about me there is, Harry. I am completely naked in front of you. In more than one way.“ Even though Harry didn’t see Niall’s face, he knew exactly that he was sheepishly smirking against Harry’s chest. „Sometimes...sometimes you feel so distant from me, Harry. And that frightens me. We used to talk about everything.“ Niall sounded so sad, broken in that moment. Harry just squeezed him tighter.

„Will you let me in again, Harry? Please?“ Niall finally looked up, his fingers stuck in motion on Harry’s back. Maybe due to Harry completely going stiff. He was freezing. The only heat he felt was coming from Niall. He wondered if Niall could feel how could Harry had gotten or if it was all just imagination in his head.

„Yes.“ he said, without missing a beat.

„Promise?“ Niallstudied him with his beautiful, blue eyes. The only place where Harry voluntarily had drowned in time after time again. In the ocean and the waves, the waters, the seas and the storms behind Niall’s eyes. Now, however, they were soaked with utter desperation.

„Yes, I promise. You’re my forever. Have I told you that today already?“ Harry said, putting his lips on Niall’s with the most innocent kisses of all.

„Don’t think so, no.“ Niall said against his lips, smiling. He as well drew him back for another kiss, as Harry had been pulling away.

„That’s good, because I need to know what’s going on in there.“ Niall’s fingers wandered from his back, up to his shoulder and ended up on his forehead. „So I can protect you too. I couldn’t live with myself knowing something happed to you just because you didn’t feel like you could talk to me. You‘ve already got my heart, Harry, you just gotta take good care of it, alright? Because it belongs to you and I do not ever want to take it back, but that’s only gonna work if you’re in it too.“

„I am.“ Harry affirmed quickly. „Have always been.“

„Good. I‘m glad. I need a heart to breath as well. And if you won’t let me have yours, how would I live?“

Harry knew that Niall meant all of this playfully. It was true nonetheless. They had each other’s hearts to take care of. Harry decided to kiss Niall as an answer.

This time around his kiss was more passionate, more demanding, full of lust and want. Niall gave into the kiss briefly as Harry slipped his tongue against his lips. But before Harry could deepen the kiss, Niall pulled away. Harry looked at him surprisingly.

„What-“

„Before we do this, Harry. Before we get back to our normal life, before we figure our shit out with our careers and all...I need to know-“ Again Harry froze. Everything went so well so far.

„And I need you to be honest with me, you promised me, Harry.“ Niall’s hands ghosted over his cheek. „Will you now finally tell me what wrong? I know something has been bothering you. For quite some while now, hasn’t it?“ His fingers disappeared and Niall slipped from Harry’s grip, taking him in.

„I didn’t want to push you, because I trusted you to tell me when you were ready. And then after today, I thought, maybe that was what had been on your mind. But I guess it’s not about today. This is not was has been keeping you awake at night and what made you sleep at day, am I right?“

And what, by all heavens was Harry supposed to say. He promised Niall to be honest. Fucking shit fuck. He should have seen it coming really. Niall had always known when something was not right with Harry. Surely enough, something was certainly wrong with Harry.

He couldn’t say it though. He could not bring himself to do it. He felt reminded of his first coming out. When he had come out to Louis. How he was so scared to say the words. How he hated having to even say the words in the first place. At the end Louis had concluded shit on his own, connecting the dots. He said it for him.

Now…now Harry was afraid. Niall could not do that, since he couldn’t even imagine how bad things were with Harry. But what was Harry to do? Take Niall’s happiness away from him? Destroy their utopia for something neither of them had any control over anymore?

The thing was though, Harry hoped as long as he didn’t say it that maybe...that maybe it wasn’t even true at all.

Instead of saying anything, robbed of all his strength or willingness to keep his walls built around him up, Harry just nodded.

Niall’s face fell for the slightest moment. He took one stray of Harry’s long hair and tucked it behind his ear. His hand, yet again, lingered on his cheek.

„What then? Tell me.“ Niall encouraged lovingly.

„I can’t.“ Harry was sure his lips were trembling, because Niall immediately launchedforward, hugging him. They remained that way for whatever long, Harry had lost track of time while crying into Niall’s shoulder. At first he didn’t even notice he was crying, only as he grabbed onto Niall’s shirt he realized how wet it had gotten around the collar.

„You are scaring me, H. What‘s wrong?“

All Harry gave as an answer was an uncontrolled sob and a few hiccups. Harry had always considered himself to be strong, in some way at least. He liked to think that his life in One Direction had made him stronger.

Many in his position would have lost themselves. Harry accomplished the opposite though. He had found himself. Sure, mainly with the help of Niall, but still. He overcame his fears of not being the same. Of feeling and loving differently. And he found Niall who felt, right from the start, like a missing piece in his existence, he had been searching for his entire life. Harry was able to stay grounded, down to earth whereas other young celebrities drowned in other addictions. Harry was strong, he knew that. He could be strong.

There are things however, too big to comprehend, too scary to be true and too dangerous to be said out aloud. Things that would take all of one‘s strength and willpower to fight against.

Harry didn’t dare say it. Too horrified about what the future might hold if his spoken words made it suddenly become the reality that it had been all along.

„I don’t wanna ever talk about it, Niall.“ Harry whimpered against Niall’s skin. „I can’t and I don’t want to.“

„Harry, please, you promised. I‘m worried-.“

„Then, I will. Eventually. Alright?“ Harry pulled them from their sitting position down onto the couch, so his head was resting on Niall’s chest. His fingers stroked through Harry’s locks.

„But can you just hold me for now, so everything‘s gonna be alright?“ Harry was well aware he sounded pleading, but fuck that. He was miserable, atrociously so.

„Of course.“ Niall said, hugging him so tightly as though he would never let him go.

***

**2013**

They didn’t say anything after the show. Harry didn’t even see Niall. They were shoved into their respective dressing rooms to change and shower, before someone, who Harry had never seen, dragged them to the cars, bringing them to their hotel. Unfortunately Harry and Niall had ended up in different cars. While Harry was in the first car with Louis, Niall was in the second car with Zayn and Liam.

Louis passed away the time if the short ride, typing away on his smartphone. Harry didn’t want to switch his on. It was in his bag in the back anyways.

Louis was too invested in is phone, probably texting Eleanor, so there was not a lot of space left to talk. Eventually Louis shifted his gaze away from the phone, frowning at Harry.

„You look grumpy. You alright, man?“ Harry felt blue eyes on him. The wrong ones.

Harry shrugged nonchalantly. „Sure. Was a good show after all, wasn‘t it?“

„Quite alright, I guess.“ Louis replied unconvinced. „You seemed a bit off though. Any reason for me to be worried?“

„None at all.“ Harry smiled at him. „Just a bit tired, `is all.“

„Having too much fun with our Nialler then, I take?“ smirked Louis. He had basically been the first who got aware of the thing between Niall and Harry. Not that Harry had told him, but it was hard for him to keep any secrets from his best friend. Especially considering Harry had no one else he could confine in with his thoughts. It was easier talking to him openly after Louis found a major love bite as they were changing in a dressing room prior to some show. Again he connected the dots successfully.

„Fuck off.“ Harry laughed as Louis put his phone away. „That’s not what I meant, you asshole. I am exhausted.“

Louis quirked an eyebrow. „Gotta work on your stamina then. Endurance and all. Don’t be ashamed though, many men have that problem.“ Louis bloody laughed at his own joke. Harry did not join in, even though it took quite a lot not to do so. Louis had always been too sassy for his own good.

„Why do I even bloody talk to you?“

„I don’t know, mate. They say it’s my natural charm, dunno.“ Louis blankly said. Harry just huffed and replied nothing.

„You gonna talk to me, right?“ He looked at Louis. His voice sounded genuinely concerned. „If something‘s bothering you.“

„Sure.“ Seemingly Louis was satisfied with that answer, since he took his phone out again.

They arrived shortly after. Again no one said anything. They took their bags and went to their rooms. All of them were exhausted. It had been a long day after all.

Once Harry had gotten into his room, he stripped from his jeans and changed into something more comfortable. He switched on the TV, zapping through the programs. It always took quite a while for him to fall asleep after a gig. The silence of his room too strange compared to the pounding, deafening noise of arenas. The TV helped with that.

After a while, his eyes having not grown one bit heavier, someone knocked on his door. Harry glanced at the clock on one wall. It was almost one thirty in the morning. With a shrug, Harry got onto his feet and opened the door. They rented the entire floor anyways.

„Hi.“ Niall waved at him shortly, reluctantly.

„Hey.“ Harry greeted back, stepping aside to let Niall in without thinking about it. It had happed too often now.

„I texted you, like...“ Niall stole one look at his phone. „Two hours ago.“ He laughed. „Asked if you wanted to meet up and talk later. Figured, you couldn’t sleep if you didn’t. Neither could I. So here I am.“ Niall explained somewhat shyly. „Hope you don’t mind?“

„Yeah, no. I left my phone in airplane mode since way before the show, so yeah...sorry I didn’t text back.“

„Mehh, I don’t care.“ Niall shrugged, still standing awkwardly half in the hallway and the actual room as though he wasn’t quite sure whether he was truly welcome or not. „I mean, I can still leave. If you want to be on your-.“

Harry didn’t let Niall finish. He made one step towards him and pushed him lightly against the wall, trapping him between his arms. Niall was taken off guard by Harry. Blush creeped up his cheeks as he expectantly looked up to him.

„Don’t be ridiculous. Stay.“ Harry said and leant forward, biting Niall’s ear gently, before making his way down to his neck. He was careful to drag Niall’s shirt down a bit to hide potential love bites, because once Harry got started, he wanted Niall to remember who made him feel that good.

„Harry-“ Niall’s voice broke off as Harry’s hands found their way down to the hem of Niall’s joggers, playing with it. He focused on Niall’s mouth now, smirking into the kiss as Niall wouldn't let him enter.

„You want me to stop, Ni?“ Harry asked, kissing his jaw. Feeling the light stubble there that made him weak to his knees. Every inch of Niall’s face was just so fucking kissable.

Niall moaned shortly, becoming immediately embarrassed what effect Harry had on him after such short amount of time. And Harry didn’t even really start yet.

„Y-yes...talk. We should talk-“ Even though he said something entirely different, Niall tilted his head to give Harry better access which Harry gladly took. His fingers slipped into Niall’s joggers, making him shiver.

„There are so much more fun things to do with our mouths than talking, don’t you think?“ Harry breathed against Niall’s skin, his face. To prove his point he kissed him again. This time Niall opened his lips almost greedily. Letting Harry’s tongue explore every inch of his mouth once more. Every inch of Niall’s mouth, his tongue, his teeth. Niall groaned into the kiss, his throat making noises on its own. Harry still couldn’t believe that it was him who made Niall feel this way. That, out of seven billion people, he was the lucky one. That it happened to be him who got to see this.

He felt Niall’s hands on his own now, taking control over them. While never breaking the kiss once, Niall patted Harry’s hands, signaling him to get rid of his joggers. Harry smirked again.

„We gonn‘ talk later, yeah?“ Niall implied, staring at Harry’s lips, after licking away one string of saliva, hanging still between them. So fucking, unbelievable hot.

Fuck, the things this man did to him.

„Fine. I’m definitely not gonna stop kissing you now, that’s for sure.“

„No?“ Niall whined against Harry’s mouth. „I thought you were about to do something else.“ Niall suggested seductively.

„Cheeky.“ Harry smirked, knowing exactly what Niall was implying.

„I know you like it.“ stated Niall as matter of factly, after pulling down his own pants.

„That I do.“ Harry lifted Niall’s arms, dragging his shirt off. It landed somewhere behind them.

„You too. Off.“ Niall moaned. „Too many clothes. `Is not fair.“ Niall helped him undress quickly, before dragging Harry towards the bed kissing. He took Harry down with him, cocks burning full of electricity whenever they touched. Niall rested his head on Harry’s pillow as Harry roamed him from above, both hands at either side of Niall‘s head. Niall moved one hand into Harry’s curls, tugging on them just hard enough. It made Harry hiss in pleasure, biting Niall’s lips.

„You’re too good, baby.“ Harry said, working on Niall’s nipples now, making them turn hard.

„I didn’t do anything.“ Niall breathed as his other hand came to cup Harry’s dick, beginning to stroke it slowly. It was rewarded with Harry groaning against Niall’s chest, licking over his belly, felling the hair there, kissing down until he reached Niall’s dick. He placed kissed along its length. Niall exhaled deeply.

„Can I?“ Harry glanced up. „Can I make you feel good tonight, baby?“ Niall looked so good like this. All flustered, blush on his cheeks, a thin film of sweat across his body, his biceps, his pretty face. It made Harry’s heart spring when he reminded himself that he was the only one who got to see Niall like this. Vulnerable, pleading, wanting more…waiting for me.

„Not gonn‘ stop you now, H.“ Niall blinked, his long eyelashes covering the beauty of his eyes. Harry grabbed the base of Niall’s penis as conformation, kissing the top, already leaking with precome. He moved Niall’s hand on his cock away gently. „Let me do all the work tonight, Ni.“

Niall wasn’t able to do anything more than nod, because Harry had already taken Niall’s cock into his mouth, hollowing his cheeks and sliding his tongue up and down. His other hand steadied Niall’s hips as Harry began to quicken his pace. He took Niall all the way in, taking his time as he let Niall deep throat him, careful to curl his tongue at the top. Saliva and precome tripped from Harry’s mouth and landed on his hand, holding Niall’s base. It made him go crazy with excitement.

„So, good. Feels so good, H. Taking me so well.“ Niall’s hand once again landed in Harry’s hair, speeding up Harry’s movement. And Harry let him do. They had done that often enough by now to know with what the other one was comfortable or not. This, Harry enjoyed. Every sound, moan or movement from Niall’s body Harry enjoyed. Yeah, Harry was pretty sure he was falling. Falling fucking hard.

„Harry-.“ Niall stuttered, his hips bucking. „I‘m gonna...don’t think. I...gonna come now.“ Harry sensed Niall wanted him to pull off, but Harry kept going. He even picked up his pace, almost chocking.

„Harry!“ Niall exclaimed shockingly as a warm liquid already ran down Harry’s throat. Niall’s body trembling beneath him.

„Fuck!“ Niall stroke his cheek as Harry helped him through his climax. „That was...so fucking good.“ He smiled down to Harry. „You were fucking great.“

„I‘m glad to hear that.“ Harry croaked, voice slightly ruffled still. He swallowed again and licked his lips. He crawled up Niall again, his erection sliding all the way up on Niall’s body. He pecked his nose first then Niall’s lips.

„How about I make you feel good for awhile, too.“ Niall kissed his chin. „How does that sound, huh?“ Niall grabbed Harry’s shoulders, turning them around in one go. „Then we can talk, alright? Not in the mood for much talking now.“ Niall kissed his butterfly tattoo, sucking on his skin, leaving a mark.

„Sounds fucking great to me.“ Harry said, jumping over his own words.

And they would. They will talk about everything. But first things first.

***

**2015**

Harry didn’t know how long they had been on the sofa like this. Intertwined with each other, crying and spending comfort. It had been so long, however that the pain in Harry’s lower back gradually faded away. It vanished with the tears as it felt like the salt would dry on his skin. Niall never stopped running his hand over Harry’s back or hair. He let him know that he was there, that he would not be going anywhere anytime soon.

As the hours passed and the day shifted from late afternoon to late evening, their bodies were in need of food, audibly so. Even though Harry wasn’t necessarily hungry, due to the painkillers, he was aware that it was probably for the best to get at least something into his system.

Their fridge was more or less empty. Well, it wasn’t filled with anything that would have been easily cooked. So, ironically enough, Niall decided to get take out from their favorite restaurant as some sort of reward for making it through this shit show of a day. Sadly, they didn’t offer delivery over there, so Niall got up, kissed him for quite some time and went out to get the food home.

Harry was alone now, again. On the sofa, again. And it was certainly not because one of the pillows smelled like Niall. Certainly, not. He checked his phone to see whether Louis had texted back or not.

The bright screen was cruel against his eyes and Harry winced, dimming it immediately. Without looking at any other stuff, he opened his chat with Louis. He actually did reply. A bit uninspiring, but still.

_**Whenever ur free** _

Since that was what the text had said, Harry pressed the call button right away. He scratched his nails while waiting for Louis to pick on the other side. After a few rings, Louis accepted the call.

„Is it save for me to look?“ Louis‘ face lit up on the screen with his hand covering his face.

„No, Niall’s sucking my dick right now. Why would I call you then?“ Harry said nonchalantly.

„I really hope you are lying.“ Louis peeked through his fingers.

„Yes, you bloody wanker.“

„I don’t like your tone, mate. Careful, Eleanor might be sucking my dick at the moment.“ Louis smirked. Harry notices that he was indeed shirtless. He made a chocking sound and let his phone fall onto his stomach.

„Joking, bloody hell. How old are you, thirteen? Pick me up again. It’s dark. I wanna see your ugly face.“

Harry leaned his phone against the sofa laughing, turning sideways.

„So, what‘s so important it requires Tommo‘s presence? Well, half presence, I guess? Somewhat. I can’t say I’m here, but I can say I am all ears.“ Louis smiled at him as Harry took a deep breath, reminding him of the never ending fire in his back and pelvis. It felt like raging flames. Not the good kind.

„I fucked up, Lou.“

„Yeah, you did. Sorry to tell you, mate, but you really fucked up big times.“ Louis agreed. He had every right to do so. But Harry didn’t mean today per se. He meant in general. All those months, he had been fucking things up, because he didn’t tell Niall. Ever since this fucking fateful trip to Vienna with Louis in 2014.

„I don’t mean that, Lou. I know that. We talked it through. We are good, I think? More or less.“

„That‘s good though, isn’t it? Thought it would take more this time than your charm alone to win him back, honestly.“ Louis‘ face wrinkled in confusion.

„Yeah...no, we argued. I apologized. But that’s not why I‘m calling you.“ Harry explained shakily.

„No, why then?“

„Because I fucked up.“ repeated Harry, closing his eyes.

„Yes, Harry. We‘ve been over this. That is the conclusion we came to right now. What do you-“

„I fucked up Vienna times, Louis. That’s how much I fucked up.“ Harry said with a breath leaving his body.

„Oh.“ Louis sighed. „You still haven’t told him? Harry, it’s been months since we’ve been in Austria. Months!“

„I know, I know. But what should I do. I can’t just tell him. It would break his heart. I don’t wanna hurt him.“ Harry mumbled.

„You are hurting him. Right now you are hurting him by not telling him. Haven’t you learned anything from today?“ Louis tried to elaborate. „How Niall reacted when he found out you had been dishonest with him for so long?“

„Sure-“ Harry started, but was cut off by Louis immediately after.

„Then fucking tell him! Listen, I wasn’t with you in the doctors room,let alone for the examination. You never told me exactly what they‘ve told you. But you came out there crying, running in my arms. I‘ve never seen you so broken before than on that day. So it sure as hell ain’t good what you‘ve been told.“

„You know exactly what’s up, Louis.“ Harry whispered. Louis exhaled as well. He knew, yes, even without Harry telling him what his condition, his diagnosis was.

„Yes! And it’s killing me too. You know how hard it is to keep this to myself? To carry it all alone? But I’m doing this, because you made me promise you to keep my mouth shut. I‘m doing this because I love you, but-“ Louis rubbed his temples. „I will probably never love you as much as Niall does. Wouldn’t be able to, even if I tried. It’s ridiculous how much this man loves you, Harry. He‘s your boyfriend, he has a right to know that your time together is…limited-“ Louis voice broke off as he had to swallow. Harry as well felt a lump in his throat. „He has a right to know that you are dying, Harry.“

As Louis was finished a silent tear dragged itself over Harry’s face, slowly. Almost like it was on a never ending story.

„Louis, I-“ Harry started.

„Harry?!“ Niall.

When did he return? Harry didn’t hear anything at all. Harry didn’t hear him, entering the flat. Louis went dead quiet on the other side of the line. Fuck.

„What the fuck did Louis mean? Why did he say you are dying?“

Niall stood there with one food bag in each hand and his face full of terror.

„Why are you dying, Harry?“

Fuck!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you like it? Let my know, if you want. Comments are always encouraging.
> 
> Plus, what do you think is up with Harry? Any guesses?


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry didn’t remember who‘d said it, but he guessed it was true after all. ’One could travel to the borders of our universe, our reality, and still will find oneself with the undeniable urge to seek more, because, us humans, a species of both extreme consciousness and flaws alike, will never be satisfied with what we see, but will aspire what we don’t.’
> 
> And even if Harry was troubled about it, he felt like that this description was more or less accurate to him. He had seen it all and still the feeling of ease, satisfaction perhaps, was no where to be found.
> 
> That was until he had found his missing piece. The one that made his world a little more complete, his heart beat a little faster and his mind a bit more calm. Something, making him feel like he had actually reached his horizon, so he would have to long no more...It'd been always Niall.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You're welcome ;)
> 
> \---
> 
> TW: Description of medical conditions and little amount of blood

** 2014 **

Another day another show. It was like a never ending circle of odd repeat, a blur of images, unique and yet they had been all the same. A different arena, the same show. A different city, the same songs. Another continent, the same band. It was bewildered how one could see the whole world, with the strangest cultures and the craziest people and still feel like the world was not big at all.

The only thing though that helped to keep Harry’s sanity in store, was for one, of course, his family. They always grounded him whether they had been in the same city or whether he had been some where in Australia. His family was always there with him...Well, in thoughts. Mentally, that was. Video-Calls and texts. They tried their best to make him feel less lonely. It was a paradox almost. That, if the world for Harry didn’t seem big at all...how could he then be so lost and alone?

Harry didn’t remember who‘d said it, but he guessed it was true after all. ’ _One could travel to the borders of our universe, our reality, and still will find oneself with the undeniable urge to seek more, because, us humans, a species of both extreme consciousness and flaws alike, will never be satisfied with what we see, but will aspire what we don’t. Our consciousness tells us that and it‘s our greatest flaw and strength alike.’_

And even if Harry was troubled about it, he felt like that this description was more or less accurate to him. He had seen it all and still the feeling of ease, satisfaction perhaps, was no where to be found. 

That was until he had found his missing piece. The one that made his world a little more complete, his heart beat a little faster and his mind a little more calm. That made him feel like he had actually reached his horizon, so he would have to long no more. _Niall._

It had happened in 2010, when he first saw Niall, happy and cheering, because he‘d made it through. It occurred in 2011, when Harry had visited Niall at home in Ireland. When he got to know the people most important to Niall. When he stepped into Niall’s childhood room and immediately felt like he belonged there. It happened in 2013, while heavily shagging their way through lonely nights on the road or fucking each other mindless in hotel rooms that all looked indifferent to one another. It happened, when Niall had asked Harry to be his boyfriend, to be with him, to be _his_. Harry couldn’t even say yes, so fast he had put his lips onto Niall’s to agree not with words, but with action. 

It didn’t really matter what _exactly_ happened, no, because as long as it had to do with Niall, Harry could always be sure it was something great, glorious, something grand. Every single time Niall was able, even if he didn’t notice, to put Harry’s heart back together. Piece by piece, bit by bit. Relentlessly and patiently Niall fixed him by being with solemnly Harry, by loving him...just by being himself. Niall was enough. He was enough to make him not want to seek more. He was enough, so Harry felt like he arrived. Arrived at home, because Niall was Harry’s home. Neither England, or Los Angeles, nor Cheshire was Harry’s home, if Niall wasn’t there to share it with him. Niall was Harry’s world. And no matter where Niall would be, it would always be where Harry belonged. At his side. The only place where Harry was meant to be. _Ever._

„You’re thinking.“ Harry felt an arm around his waist, before Niall rested his head on Harry’s back. „What about? You seemed like you were drowning in your thoughts. You alright?“ Niall kissed his shoulder tenderly. He didn’t notice that Niall had stepped into the kitchen, where Harry was currently occupied with preparing dinner for the both of them. 

He didn’t even know when he stopped chopping vegetables and setting water on the stove, but the picture of him with Niall on his back, kissing his cheek, really was bloody distracting. They had been in Italy for vacation. The picture had been taken in Rome by Gemma. Her boyfriend as well as Gemma planned their trip deliberately, so they had the opportunity to meet up with them. The four of them spent about a week together in Rome, before Harry and Niall continued their journey through Italy on the way to Neapel. Rome, though, had been really special. Niall, unlike Harry had never visited Italy properly before. To witness his reactions to the beauty, finesse and stunning nature of Italy was everything for Harry. He promised himself to never in his life forget the look on Niall’s face as Harry lead him to a secret chapel. Hidden and forgotten in time, it was located in a deserted district of Rome. Niall loved it...and also to be mentioned, said that he would love to marry in said chapel, if it had been bigger. In Rome, Harry figured that he would very much like this too. Looking at it now, for sure, made it easy to relive the beauty of the past in his memories. So easy, actually, that Harry forgot to live in the moment from time to time. He still couldn’t believe, how he had been so lucky having had the privilege to share some of his past with Niall. 

„I‘m alright.“ Harry smiled wholeheartedly. Gosh, was he fond of this man. He felt nothing, but adoration for Niall...with every fever of his existence. „I‘m happy. ’Is all.“ Harry touched Niall’s hand, lifting it slightly to put a tender kiss onto Niall’s warm fingers. 

„Is that so?“ Niall hummed against his back, snuggling impossibly closer. „Why’s that? Today’s a shit day, H. Just look outside. It’s cold and rainy and grey. Hope tomorrow‘s gonn‘ be better. Would be a true shame.“  Harry could feel Niall’s head shifting in order to look outside through one of the huge windows they had in their kitchen. Harry did the same. The trees were blowing in the strong, cold breeze, coming from the sea side and the air was chilly, wiping sharp rain around like troubled leafs in a thunderstorm. Not necessarily the definition of pleasant, if one asked Harry. 

„We can make tonight good and special, too, ehh?“ Harry expressed hopefully. There was so much he wanted to tonight...well at least after it had reached passed midnight. Harry urged to surprise Niall. „Not much left of tonight, ain’t it? You’re warm though.“ Niall squeezed him tighter, exhilarating in Harry’s presence. Harry shifted his gaze away from the window, turning around to Niall. „Well...“ he started. „In fact some might even argue, I am quite hot.“

„Oh geez.“ Niall laughed, which was, honestly, Harry’s most favourite thing in the entire world. „Stop. I am too hungry to take bad jokes.“ Niall loosened his grip on Harry, appearing next to him. He inspected the food Harry was busy cooking with.  „Is not bad at all. I _am_ hot.“ Harry pouted playfully. He got back to his sauce, but not before shooting Niall an all so telling smirk. It made Niall chuckle again. He leaned forward, pecking Harry’s lips. „Course you are, H. The hottest of all.“ His mouth wandered from Harry’s lips to his chin and ended on his cheek. „What’s all this anywa? You said you were tired, like-“ Niall checked the time on his smartphone. „Two hours ago. Eating isn’t necessarily helpful with sleeping, you know? Not that I mind though, it smells fucking delicious.“

„True, that. So if you don’t want me to burn it...“ Harry started, wiggling free from Niall’s arm around his waist. 

„Alright, alright, Styles.“ Niall walked to the other end of the room, halting at the door frame. He put a hand over his heart, throwing his head back dramatically. „A man knows his cue to leave.“

„Dork you are, Ni.“ Harry snorted, after filling a pot of bowling water with noodles. 

„Blasphemy!“ Came from somewhere in the living room. Harry heard the sofa squeeze as Niall let himself plump onto it. Soon after soft noises of the TV playing a movie, filled their flat. Harry supposed it was some recent action movie or something alike, considering the the screams, battle sounds and otherworldly monsters dying.  Harry hoped, though, that tonight a different kind of scream would fill their rooms, seeing that tomorrow...or, well _tonight_ was a special day. It had been their anniversary. Not that boring _one-year anniversary_ , no. It would be their two _years anniversary_. 

Fuck! Harry couldn’t believe that him and Niall only spent two years together as an _actual_ couple. Sure, they were quite literally fucking around before that for about almost a year, but still...it had only been two years of being Niall’s boyfriend as well as Harry being his...officially. Well, semi-officially, but that was enough for now. Harry would take everything he got from Niall...from their supervisors and management. Harry would go as far as they would let him. 

With all his heart Harry hoped that one day, it would be _all the way_. A coming out, showing Niall off publicly, so everyone else would get jealous, because honestly, Niall was the hottest, smartest, most genuine man on this earth. And _he_ chose to be with Harry. Fucking wild. Still, for now, this domestic life with Niall in their shared flat in London, which they had bought just recently, was all Harry could ask for. In some sense their relationship was still fresh, in the early stages so to say. No need to rush for something utterly out of reach, when all Harry ever wanted was right in the room next to him. Laying comfortable on _their_ sofa, watching a movie on _their_ TV while drinking tea from the cups they had treated themselves to just yesterday. Everything else would come another day eventually...ultimately. But even if Harry hated it, he could feel himself getting less and less patient with every moment he fell more and more in love with Niall. He would wait though. 

Just because he could see himself coming out, didn’t mean Niall was comfortable with that as well. He would wait until they both were ready. Whether that meant them or the world. Harry didn’t know, honestly. He didn’t care as long as he had Niall. 

„Oh fuck!“ hissed Harry as burning, hot grease sprinkled his entire arm. A painful reminder why Harry had once taken a vow to never cook with short sleeves again. _Fucking grease_. Why did he always let it get that hot? It happened all the damn time! Some shit show that was. 

„Please, don’t be burned.“ ushered Harry, grabbing the pan from the top plate to decrease the heat. „No!“ Of course he had burnt it. Niall’s favourite food for their anniversary. Why didn’t he pay more attention to what had been bloody in front of him?  „You good, Haz?“ Niall appeared at the door frame, a slight frown decorating his features as he tried to shake off his confusion. He must have fallen asleep. His hair was flat against his forehead and his eyes looked dull as well as heavy with sleep. He looked adorable.

„Yes.“ Harry laughed, before shaking his head. „I burnt it...our food.“ It was ridiculous really. There went his plan of the most romantic dinner. On the other side, it would have been too sappy anyways. 

„Now who‘s the dork?“ Niall yawned and rubbed his belly, after it grumbled with undefinable noises. „Don’t worry, babe. It’s okay. It’s late anyhow.“ Niall smiled faintly at him. Sleep had its grip on him still. 

„No, it’s not. You’re hungry, Niall, and I wanted to cook for you.“ 

„You cook for me almost every day, Haz. I feel bad enough for that as it is.“ he said. Was there guilt in his voice? „Don’t. You treat me everyday, too.“ Harry affirmed. Niall closed in on him with a smirk around his lips. He squeezed Harry’s butt knowingly, before taking a spoon from the drawer to try the burnt dish. His entire face lit up. So much so that his eyes began to wrinkle from how much he had been smiling. „This is so fucking delicious, Harry.“ He took an other spoon full of the chicken with some noodles. „It‘s not burnt at all, H. Gives it a special flavor. I love it.“ Niall groaned and put the spoon away. 

„You‘re sure? I mean I could always redo it, you know?“ Harry inquired insecurely. He wanted it to be _perfect_. If everything else was to go according to plan, it would had been a major part of their anniversary dinner. The food, that was...obviously it was, but. There was _more_ Harry had planned. And as long as it didn’t stop raining, it couldn’t get any worse than merely ruined food.

„Don’t be ridiculous, Harry. ’Is good. Let’s eat.“ Niall ensured Harry with a warm smile. He took one step forward, catching his lips in a brief kiss, while swirling around Harry to stand in front of the cabinet, holding their plates. He took two out and handed them to Harry. „Here, babe. Treat us.“ Niall said, opening the drawer with cutlery in it. He smirked at Harry while waiting for him to fill their plates. 

„I am starving.“ Niall groaned after Harry was finished and passed Niall’s plate to him. Niall took the plate in one hand, balancing both cutlery as well as the food gracefully, and linked their fingers loosely. Harry could not even act quickly enough as he tried to not let his dish slip while being dragged on by Niall. „Remind me to keep you from cooking this late, will ya?“ Niall took Harry’s plate and put it down next to his own on their living room table. „I’ve been starving all evening. Have no idea why agreed to late dinner anyways.“ 

„Some might say you should be used to my exceptional time management by now.“ Harry implied nonchalantly. 

„You do have a questionable understanding of time, indeed.“ His grip tightened around Harry’s hand, pulling Harry down onto the couch with him. Apparently Niall had turned their automatic fire place on, sinking the room in the most magical colors. To Harry they were highly reminiscent of Brighton in early fall. And with the rain pouring down outside, the room was set into a state of ever changing emotions. Just like leafs change color in autumn and just like the flame’s shadows played, switched and flickered on the wall. Everything was in constant motion, so it seemed, everything was ever changing, never lasting, but when Harry only slightly turned his head he could see Niall, chewing one bite after another. His throat made weird sounds of approval. So did his face. Lighting up with every mouth full of their burnt dinner he swallowed. He enjoyed it and honestly, Niall was right. The food wasn’t so bad after all. 

As clouds outside slowly brushed the moon up above, hiding its light, the room’s atmosphere shifted all over. Niall’s eyes glowed strikingly in the room. Sometimes Harry thought, all the lights of the world could be found in Nialls eyes, if one just was willing to look long enough. Niall was the source, gifting Harry’s dim world with light. Niall was Harry’s reason for joy, his aspiration to be a better person and, undoubtedly, the love of his life. Niall was Harry’s anchor. His only constant, consistent grip keeping him grounded, in reality, if Harry wasn’t busy drowning in the endless ocean that was Niall’s eyes. It was the one thing that, Harry was sure, would never change. Not at least, if he had any say in it. 

„But-“ Niall grabbed somewhere behind him in search of a blanket to snuggle beneath. „A lazy dinner date with my boyfriend makes up for that anytime.“ He grinned and lifted the blanket, inviting Harry to join him. Harry took another bite, hastily finishing his plate, before snuggling close to Niall. 

„I hope so, love.“ Harry’s said. „Sorry again it’s burnt, just…I’ll make up for it with cuddles, okay?“

„Don’t-.“ Niall repeated. „It’s more than I could have asked for. You are more than I could have asked for. Spoiling me like this like I’m some sort of prince. And it’s a definite _yes_ to the cuddles.“ 

„Well, you are.“ Harry looked up to Niall with big eyes. Again and again the beauty of Niall was able to sweep Harry off his feet, stealing from him every breath...every air that once might have been in his lungs.  His blond hair. No matter whether it was all styled up in a quiff of flat against his head. It had always been perfect. Frankly though, those brown roots and sides made Harry want to shag him all day. His beard too. The friction of Niall’s light stubble against Harry’s cheeks never failed to set his insides on fire, making him explode with lust and want. Niall was just so...Niall. 

„You are my prince, Ni. And not only that.“ Why not actually tell Niall how Harry had been feeling approximately since fucking 2010. „You are my waters which waves I wanna feel on my skin. You are my fire, which warmth I keep coming back to. You are the... _my_ song I can’t get out of my head. Never even would want to.“ Harry stumbled over his words, because Niall cracking up next to him, his hand in Harry’s hair. 

„Ni! Don’t laugh! This is super serious.“ chuckled Harry. „I‘m tryna to tell you how much I freaking love you.“

„Yeah, no. You’re right. He may be allowed to continue…Shakespeare.“ Niall tried to compose himself. Honestly though it had been quite hard for the both of them to remain calm in this situation. Harry had been well aware that he was being extremely cheesy. But-

„So he may, and so he will.“ Harry cleared his throat. „So...as I was saying...you are my melody, giving me life and you are the one thing making me feel complete. I‘m finally able to not feel like I have to run...run from myself, because with you there, Ni...it would mean that I‘d run away from what I love the most.“

„Harry...I-“ Niall‘s eyes observed his face, studying him. „I don’t know...I don’t know what to say.“

„You don’t have to say anything, but-“ Harry gulped hard. He had never been that candid before. Certainly, Niall was aware how Harry felt. They talked, spoke about stuff like that. With every hushed _I love you_ durning sex or just letting it slip subconsciously throughout the day. However, Harry was not able to reckon a moment where he had opened his heart up that much. Where he had been so frank that Niall‘s blush, which normally did not reach pass his cheek bones, was burning red all over his face. From his chin to the one freckle, Harry adored like nothing else, at the beginning of Niall’s hairline. From Niall’s left ear to his vein on his right side, pulsing heavy as his breath quickened and his heart began the race. 

Thing was, Harry could feel it. At what incredible speed Niall’s heart was pumping. Harry‘s fingers had found their way, secretly beneath the covers, under Niall’s green sweater. They deliberately danced their way up to Niall’s beating heart, just like they knew that they had always belonged there anyway. Harry flattened his hand, feeling Niall’s heart. Unnoticed to his consciousness, his breath, after the shortest amount of time, synchronized with the sensation of Niall’s heart beating. Finally, after years of searching, it felt like...home. 

„But I just wanted you to know all of that, because this is how I feel...and I love you so much, Ni.“ Niall grinned at him sheepishly, his lashes long and smooth. Niall blinked. He surged forward, laughing. His hands came up to grab Harry’s face. „I love you too, Haz.“ He kissed him. It was innocent, brief almost. Like a godly touch by an angel, so light it was gone as soon as it had come. Niall chuckled, while pressing their foreheads together. „You’re such a drama queen, you sap.“

„I am well aware, thank you very much. Not finished though.“ smirked Harry, a cheeky grin around his lips. „Ohh geez! You not!? How could ya be even more romantic?“ he shook his head. Niall loved him for that. 

„This is serious, Niall. Stop.“ Harry put two fingers onto Niall’s mouth to keep him from smiling, which, obviously, would _totally_ ruin the mood. „Are you really not?!“ Niall muffled against Harry’s fingers. „No. Now hush.“ Harry set up right. His eyes found Niall’s in a matter of split seconds, just like it would be the most natural thing to do. His hand on Niall’s chest had gotten so warm. It was this physical connection in that moment, pumping life through their bodies...giving each other life. 

Harry shortly shifted his eyes to the clock, hanging on the wall behind Niall. It was almost midnight. Harry’s timing had been unintentionally.…no, intentionally accurate. 

„I…I- You’re _it_ , Ni.“ Niall wrinkled his face. „I am aware we have only been together for two years, but you are it for me. You’re my endgame. I wanna be with you forever and...and just know that...that you are the love of my life.“ Harry had no doubt about that, never had. How could he? It was Niall. „Wow...I can’t believe I actually said all of this.“ Harry hid his face with his free hand. „Who knew I was so eloquent with words.“

„Well, I did.“ Suddenly Niall’s palm was atop of Harry’s, intertwining their fingers. „You are a songwriter, Harry. Would be unfortunate, if you weren’t. It’s kinda your job, now isn’t it?“ His tone was playful, but his thumb drawing circles on Harry’s hand signaled that he was completely sincere. „Don’t ruin this _exceptionally_ romantic moment. Don’t ruin _my_ moment, Ni.“ Harry glared. „This could have been my standard Hollywood romcom moment. And you ruined it with your fucking cute laugh.“

„I‘m sorry alright?“ Niall stated smilingly. „You, too, are the love of my life. You know that. I don’t give a fuck how long we have been a couple. It doesn’t matter. And, if we are being extremely sappy now anyways...“ He sighed. Niall dragged his other hand up to touch Harry’s face. „You are my everything. You always have been. Now that I’ve found what I’ve been missing for so long... _you_...it makes me wonder how I was able to live, screw that, even exist without you, Harry.“ 

Harry was really glad he had been courageous enough to spill his heart, because hearing Niall tell him all of this, something he had never said before, made him lose his mind. „And if you ever, Harry, I mean it...if you ever wonder how much I love you and always _will_ love you, just know that-“ The fiction between them acted like gravity, no matter where, how close or how far apart. No matter where in the universe they were, they would always gravitate towards each other. They would always steady each other, keeping them in place. So if Niall was the life and waters of this earth, all hidden behind his eyes, then Harry wanted to be his moon. „That every song I have ever written, or am going to write, is about you. All of them. The angry ones, the sad, the broken, but especially the good...the perfect ones, because you are perfect in my eyes, Haz. And I am just lucky you have chosen me all those years ago.“

Harry wasn’t sure if it had been destiny, fate or both of them combined. In any way, as Niall was finished, the clock hit precisely midnight. The storm outside was still raging on, just as turbulent and as steady how Harry had been feeling on the inside. He felt so much, mixed up, fusing together, but it was so good. The best sensation, originating from where he took all his energy from. 

„I love you.“ Harry said, after bringing their lips together. He untangled them from the mess the blanket had ended up as. He calmly drew his hand back from his boyfriend’s chest, causing Niall to hiss in disappointment.

„What are you doing? Isn’t this supposed to be a lazy dinner? I want cuddles, Harry...So I’ve been tricked?! I was promised cuddles.“

„Patience, my little, Irish leprechaun.“ He patted Niall’s hair. „You shall be given what thou seek so desperately. First-“ Harry promised, vaguely imitating something remotely related to Shakespeare‘s works. He extended his hand, fiddling in front of Niall’s face. He rolled his eyes, yet took Harry up on his offer, letting himself be dragged from the comfortable couch. „I want my cuddles, Styles.“ Niall snarled. 

„Please, Niall. I am a man of my words-“ Harry said, leading them to their huge glass doors that connected the living room with the, Harry had do admit, preposterous balcony. They lived in central London, so greenery and gardens had not necessarily been widely available. A balcony it had been. 

„You know me, c‘mon. You‘ll get so much more.“ Harry had been about to turn around, gracing Niall with his best ambiguous smile, but Niall was quicker than him. 

„’S that so?“ Niall pushed Harry back. He had been stopped by the glass door. Niall’s grip was tight as his fingers pressed deeply into Harry’s biceps. Niall brought his knee forward, putting it between Harry’s legs. „How about you show me what you‘ve planned for tonight.“ Niall’s mouth trailed kisses along Harry’s jaw. He could feel Niall’s stubble scratching on his face. Harry wanted more. Flashes of Niall with thick five o’clock shadow played on his mind. Dark brown, just like his natural hair color, covering his cheeks. Kissing him, blowing him, eating him out, leaving scratch marks on Harry’s pale skin every time. Marking Harry as his. He definitely should put that proposal of Niall growing a beard in front of him. Harry groaned as Niall focused on his throat. 

„Love, wait-“ Harry said. Behind his back his hand was searching for the door handle. Once he felt it in his palm, he abruptly opened the sliding door. Wind, rain, the cold were pouring in all of a sudden, carrying the calmness of their living room away. 

„Harry? What the fuck?“ Niall exclaimed as rain drops hit his face. His expression was confused as Harry continued to move outside. Niall would get it soon, Harry was positive. „What are you doing, Harry?“

„Just...“ He screamed over the noise of the thunderstorm, cruelly laid upon the city. „Remember the words!“

„What are you talking about?“ Niall still was inside. One hand was protecting his face from the wet. „I don’t know what you-“

Harry, already soakingly wet to his bones, just shrugged it off. If it meant that he could recreate one of the most special moments of his life, it was so worth it. 

„When I’d kissed you in the rain, when we kissed, it felt like a summer storm.“

***

** 2011 **

It had been their last evening together in Ireland. They were, once again on Niall’s bed, watching a movie. Superheroes or some sort of movie. Harry wasn’t into really it, had never been. He preferred stealing glances at Niall who had been fully engaged in the film. His face lit up every other scene as something exciting had happed. The screen of the laptop got duplicated in Niall’s eyes almost perfectly. Harry had realized then, just how monumental Niall’s features were. 

His soft lips and his small nose that was sitting atop. His eyes, too. And the tiny wrinkles that adorned Niall’s face when he smiled. 

Harry was bewildered at himself, how easy it had been for him to get lost in Niall’s presence, to flourish in it. And also as to how fucking good that had felt. Was feeling, actually. Thank god…Yet, he was not to board a plane. Yet, he could still stay next to Niall. Feeling his arm brush with Harry’s, their feet an entangled mess and being safe. 

Harry had never let himself allow such feelings, such sensation. Even more so if it had been another boy who made him feel that way. It was ridiculous, really. Harry had always so desperately wished to just fit in, to be like all the others are. But Niall made him feel so much better. Perhaps being different was not so bad at all...not at least if Niall was involved.

Tomorrow though, in the late afternoon, Harry would already be on his way home. On the way back to England, London, then Cheshire. But if Harry was fundamentally honest with himself, he repeatedly caught himself feeling like...he felt that he didn’t want to leave at all. He didn’t want to loose everything he had found here in Ireland. The scenery, the beautiful gentle hills of Ireland. The nature, the lands, the endless fields Niall’s family had taken him to see. It had been one of the best days of Harry’s life. The sun had been pleasant on his skin. A breeze had carried them from one place to another, even more stunning than the one before. And every time he looked at Niall, he could see the world reflecting in his eyes, ice blue of color but burning with warmth. The hoar frost sparkling in his eyes or the wet, green of the fields. It had been a breath taking view.

So if someone asked Harry to be 100 percent honest...if someone were to question him what he was going to miss most, his answer, without any hesitation, would be Niall. His smile, his laughter, his crooked teeth, his bad jokes, his eyes...especially his eyes. Harry had been mesmerized by them ever since...forever, so he felt. 

It was ironic, because he had always been running away, what from, Harry never figured out. Probably from himself. The fear of being different made him chase the stupid idea of being the same, of being ordinary. Harry didn’t realize, by perusing this, he had lost himself along the way. And maybe Niall was just like him? Different like him. Maybe Niall had the same confusing feelings like Harry did, because, no matter when he gazed at Niall...there was a spark between them. Almost visible, so it seemed, due to itsoverwhelming intensity. Niall had to see it too, right? Maybe they could be different together? With the world against them, they could be alone together. 

Harry must not have noticed that he had been staring for too long, since Niall hammered the button to pause the movie. „One could think there is something on me face from how ya look at me?“ Niall tilted his head to take Harry in. He looked so soft. Sleepy...at ease. Maybe, for the latter one...might Harry be the reason? In some wicked way, Harry really, really hoped that. 

„What’s wrong, Styles. Am I more interesting than the movie?“

„Yes.“ Harry said blankly. It had been nothing but the truth. 

Niall startled. „You’re mental, Harry.“

„Maybe.“ An undeniable fact. „But you _are_ quite distracting, you know that? Why would I watch a silly movie when I could also look at you instead. You’re really pretty, Niall, has anyone ever told you that?“ Harry smiled cheekily. He had _no...no_ clue where this surge of confidence came from. He guessed that it had probably been a long time coming...him finding confidence and comfort finally. After a long time of him denying, no...neglecting his true self. 

When he walked down the streets in his home town and saw someone striking, well good looking, he only ever allowed himself to give into those emotions, if that person had been female. Never if it had been a man, because men weren’t supposed to find other men attractive, right? Niall however, seemed to turn around everything Harry had ever thought of as right or important. It was different with Niall. Niall made Harry find...accept himself, perhaps? Because liking Niall was so easy. How could it be wrong?

„Are you-“ Niall shuffled on the bed, sitting up straight. He suddenly did not look at ease anymore. „Are you flirting with me?“ 

„If you want me to, yes.“ Harry said, his voice barely more than a whisper. Niall just looked at him, as deep red blush creeped up his cheeks. His blonde hair framing his delicate features. Harry could feel his mouth become dry. He probably dared too much?

„Harry, I...Let’s just-“ Niall cleared his throat uncomfortably. „Let’s just watch the movie, okay?“ Harry‘s heart sunk. Had he really been totally wrong about the friction between Niall and him? About what he had been feeling ever since they had been put into one band? Perhaps Niall was just the next one who’s different to him. Maybe Harry had been incorrect about thinking they might share something more essential than merely interests or music taste. Did he really interpret every smile, laugh or grin Harry was able to steal from Niall wrong? He felt alone again. The brief glimmer of hope...gone. 

„Yeah, sure.“ Harry had said, keeping his facade together while he bursted into tears internally. 

They finished the film in awkward silence. There had not been any chatter or snickering in between the scenes like priorly. No slight touches here and there. They just sat there, still on Niall’s bed, but it all felt so weirdly different now. 

As soon as the movie had ended Niall announced that he would get ready for bed. He left, heading for the bathroom. Harry checked the time. It had only been nine-thirty pm, but Niall’s statement had not left any space for discussion. He‘d sounded extremely final, so Harry didn’t object. He had a long, exhausting flight ahead of him tomorrow anyhow. A good night‘s sleep would be good, if it hadn’t felt so damn wrong. He didn’t want to drift off to sleep on bad terms. It had not been Harry’s intention to hurt...well what did Harry actually do? Had it really been flirting? He did compliment Niall though. Enough to make Niall feel bad?

„Bathroom‘s free.“ Niall announced, coming back. He wore the same pajamas he‘d worn all week. Blue, yet still hopelessly outmatched by Niall’s eyes. He looked all the same, he seemed different too. „Alright.“ said Harry. He stood up, while grabbing some of his stuff. He heard Niall’s covers being shifted. Harry faced Niall who was laying in bed with his back to him. „Did I do anything? Did I say anything wrong?“ 

„No, Harry, you didn‘t. Just tired, ’is all.“ Niall replied dryly, ending Harry’s attempt to solve this situation. „O-okay. Just...I am sorry in any way.“ He left without another word. 

Once Harry returned from down the hallway, the lights in Niall’s room had already been switched off. It was completely silent as Harry stepped in. He hurried over to where his mattress had been and snuggled under the duvet. He tossed and turned without finding any peace. Harry knew that Niall didn’t sleep either, because his uneven breathing was clearly distinguishable in the quiet of the room.

„Ni?“ Harry asked gently, unsure whether Niall wanted to talk to Harry in the first place or not. 

„What, Harry?“ He sounded sad. 

„Are you asleep?“

Niall changed his position, so his face was turned to Harry’s across the room. Harry imagined that he was still capable of seeing Niall’s eyes glowing in the dark as he looked at him. 

„Not anymore.“

„Did I wake you then?“ Harry was sure Niall had been awake. There wasn’t any response for quite some time. The only sound had been their covers, shuffled around by their feet. Finally Niall answered. „No.“

„Alright, so uhm-“ Harry didn’t really have an idea where to start, since he didn’t know what he had done, other then speak the truth. He sensed, though that Niall was sad, angry perhaps? „Can I talk to you or...or do you wanna sleep?“  It was the same as before. Niall took his time answering. He exhaled shakily. „Don’t think there’s anything else to do. Won’t sleep now anyways. Go on.“ Harry figured as much.  „Good. Uhm, so I just want to say that you are really important to me. I know, I know we‘ve not been knowing each other for _too_ long, but you have kinda become my best friend. Does that make sense? God, I‘m rambling, aren’t I?“

Niall chuckled shortly. „It does and you do. I could see us getting really good friends, too.“ And that did hurt, because Harry already felt like Niall was his better half. 

„Well, that‘s great, I mean. Just-“ Harry explained. „I don’t know what I’ve done to upset so much, but...just. I am really sorry, okay? I didn’t wanna hurt you. Especially after those amazing few days. I had the best time, here with you.“ Niall punished him with reluctant silence once again. He opened his eyes, piecing through the dark. „Harry, you...you flirted with me. I am not like this. You-“

„Was it so wrong? Did it feel bad, because it certainly did not feel like that to me.“ Harry interjected. And it truly didn’t. Even though it had been quite unexpected and unplanned, but it felt so right. Like it had been the most natural thing to do. Giving Niall the compliments and appreciation he deserved.  „You can’t just flirt with another boy, Harry.“ Niall snapped, his voice cracked at the end. „It’s not okay. It’s not normal.“ After that Niall twisted his legs, switching position. His back was shutting Harry out again who had been left alone somewhere close to speechlessness. Seeing as Harry could not fathom right words, he would let actions be his words. He pushed his covers away, stood up and walked over to Niall. Without giving a second shit about what he was about to do, he lifted Niall’s duvet and slipped beneath it as well. 

„What are you-“ Harry could clearly hear it now. Niall’s restrained sobs. He was crying. „Nothing.“ Harry said matter of factly. „Trying to sleep.“

„Don’t you have got ya own place to do that?“ Niall’s faint tears became more and more prominent. His body began to shake lightly. Harry had probably hit a soft spot. 

„’Is lonely there.“ Harry stayed there...in Niall’s bed…next to him. „Niall. Come, turn around. It’s okay, shh. I‘m sorry.“ He extended one arm, putting mild pressure on Niall’s shoulder. He encouraged him to turn around. So Niall did. Harry saw distant tears silently making their way down Niall’s flushed cheeks, before finding their end on his pillow. It smelled like Niall, so much so that Harry could haven fallen asleep then and there.  „Why are you crying?“ He cupped Niall’s face with one hand while his thumb brushed away tears. Niall had stiffened at first, but gave into the touch eventually…voluntarily.  „’Is nothin’.“ Niall shook his head. He remained there though…next to Harry. Niall seemed like he was fighting internal battles, in conflict about what he should... _could_ do.  „If it makes you cry, it has to be _something_.“ Harry said softly. His thumb now was outlining Niall’s ear, feeling the heat which was radiating from it. 

„I hate this!“ Niall whispered. He closed his eyes as though he was trying to shut the world out desperately. „What? What do you hate?“ Harry asked unsurely. „Me laying here?“ 

„No.“ Niall returned immediately. He didn't let Harry wait like before. „I hate that I like it. That’s the problem, I think.“

„Oh.“ So Harry had been right. There actually had been...no, was something between them.  Why was Niall crying then? This was something great, magnificent. Something Harry felt deep down in his stomach. A warm feeling of…happiness? 

„Yes.“ huffed Niall, almost like he was annoyed at himself. „And I hate it. I hate  _me_ for it. Harry, I don’t want to feel this way anymore. I wish-“ Niall stopped, swallowing down his words. „I wish I was normal. Why can’t I just be like my brother? He‘s so lucky.“ As Niall closed his eyes, squeezing out one last, lost tear, a world crumbled down for Harry. He felt a sudden need…an urge of protection? He felt so sad, broken, angry at whomever that made Niall suffer through the same shit like him. Why hadn’t been only him enough? Who made Niall live through that hell? And why? Niall was so genuine, so innocent. Why?

„Ni-“ Harry said. „Look at me.“ He moved his hand away from Niall’s head to find the other boy‘s hand under the duvet. At first, Niall shook his hand away in surprise, at the end he took it, intertwining their sweaty fingers. „Don’t say something like that about yourself. You are just as  _ normal _ as everyone else, if normal is even a thing.“ He massaged Niall’s knuckles. „You might not be ordinary, no. You are  extraordinary , Niall.“ Harry brushed one stray of Niall’s blond locks out of his face, just to prove a point. „To me at least. You...especially in this week...you made me realize that no matter what I try, I will always see you in a different light.“

„How d‘ya mean?“ Niall queried, accent thick. 

„I feel the same, you know?“ Harry said. Niall looked up to him, questioning. „One could say I was going through a similar fuck up like you. And I am so sorry you had too, because I know how shit it is. I wish I could have been there to help you like you’ve helped me. I wish I could have taken it from you, but-“ Harry pulled Niall closer. Their heads were almost touching. „Just know this, you are perfect in my eyes.“ Harry kissed Niall’s forehead hesitantly. Was this okay? 

They fell into silence again. Niall had a lot to process, so Harry didn’t mind. He was more than contend with just holding him in his arms. 

„How...how did ya know? That I was-.“ He gulped. „That I was...“ Niall could not force himself to say it. He was scared that saying it out loud would make it even more real than it already was. Harry fully understood, he himself would have had a hard time bringing it over his lips, out of his mouth. But...just knowing, _showing_ was enough now. Harry was positive, they would get there eventually. Accepting themselves, living openly without fear of being seen as different. All good things in life take time, right? 

„I didn’t, actually.“ Harry stated. „Well I wished, but I wasn’t so sure. Never judge a book by it‘s covers, ehh?“ 

„A’ya telling me then that I seemed, looked like _them_.“ Niall’s voice had gotten thin, on the verge of breaking. Apparently that came across not the way Harry had intended it to. „What?! No!“ He corrected himself. „A joke, Niall. I was joking. I had no clue. Honest, I promise. I hoped for it though.“ The only response was a suppressed hum. Yet, they did not move. Niall remained in his arms motionlessly. „Why? Why did ya hope that?“

Harry thought about Niall’s question. He had the answer just after a few seconds. In only one week Niall had been able to make him feel more complete than Harry had ever felt in his entire life. It wasn’t merely about looks, although, frankly, Niall was quite the catch, but also about who he was a person. Nice, genuine, and above all, everything Niall did and said was sincere. 

„Well, because you are just amazing. You are smart and kind and you are so fucking handsome.“ Harry’s hand landed in Niall’s hair again. „And I totally adore those blond locks, who couldn’t? You‘d either have to be blind or an utter fool.“

„’m not. I‘m not pretty.“ Niall laughed. Only with a tint of humor to not sound as broken as he felt. „Well in my eyes you are. I‘ve never seen anyone like you.“

Niall scoffed, almost like he couldn’t believe what Harry was saying. „You are doing it again. Flirting with me.“

„Should I stop?“ Harry said. He was unsure how he would cope with  _ no _ as an answer. It was crazy, now that he had started...gotten a taste of how good it could feel to give his emotions space, to allow himself to speak his mind freely, he never planned to stop again. Not, when it came to Niall at least. 

His skin was dry again, no more tears were floating down. He seemed more calm too, yet there had been a contemplating frown on his face. „I also have never met anyone like you. Especially someone with such curls.“ He saw Niall glimpsing up to him. „I don’t want ya to stop, Harry. Tell me more.“  Even though it hurt , said Niall’s face. At the end of the day, neither of them was ready. No one had an idea how to do any of this. Flirting…falling in love.

„Well, where do I start?“ A valid question, really. „The first time I‘ve seen you, and I am not kidding...you were like the brightest supernova exploding. I couldn’t take my eyes off you. You were so happy, smiled so much. It didn’t even matter to me that I had gotten through audition that day, your smile still had been my favourite thing. And your blue eyes. God, I know it sounds so creepy, but it was you that I’ve seen on stage. Only you.“

„I‘m sorry.“ Niall was quiet, after blinking several times. „That I didn‘t see you immediately as well. I wish I had, I’d love to tell you something similar. But-“

„Hey, it‘s okay. You have me now. If...if you want?“ Harry snuggled closer. He smelled Niall’s toothpaste as they exhaled. They breathed each other, savoring the moment in which only they existed and the world was just something dark in the back of their minds. „Can I...can I stay?“insecurely Harry’d asked.  „Please.“ Niall nodded, slinging one arm around Harry’s waist. Then he felt their feet intertwining once again.  Quickly tiredness came as their breathing synchronized and the long awaited sleep too.

Last night had been one of the most relaxing one‘s ever. Harry had even been able to dream again or maybe the night itself was the dream. Niall fitting perfectly into his arms, sleeping peacefully. Even as Harry woke up, Niall had still been there. He must have sensed that Harry was watching him sleep, because seconds later he opened his eyes too. For a while they just took each other in, being mesmerized by the other boy‘s beauty. At least Harry. How Niall exactly interpreted this whole confusing situation was a riddle to Harry. Until...

Harry’s luggage was already downstairs. Well, the travel bag he had taken with him. Niall helped him pack his things in the morning, mostly in silence. It had been a comforting, pleasant silence though. Occasionally they joked about the dumbest things, while Niall handed Harry his stuff. It felt domestic in a way. Harry loved it. He was sad that it was over now, but also excited? Once he would have left Ireland, something seemingly bigger awaited them. 

His future, in a band. No one knew how that was going to turn out. But at least he had Niall. It didn’t matter how they stood to each other. Niall would be there. It was a reassuring thought. 

Now, it had almost been time to go. He was sitting on the couch in the living room. He looked outside and saw a storm ranging on. It had started yesterday and kept its strength well through the night. Maura had checked things with the airline for Harry, but his flight was still scheduled. Niall’s parents were still running errands, so he sat quietly and waited for them to come back. Then they would be off to the airport, which sadly meant having to say goodbye to all of those new, amazing people Harry’d had the pleasure to get to know. Niall was somewhere upstairs, doing...whatever. They didn’t really talk much today. Neither of them had been in the mood for that. Maybe, the fact they would have to spend time apart from each other had been the reason. It was just weird. You spend an entire week together, have fun, have the best time and then suddenly it would get all taken away. Well, there was a lot Harry could look forward to as well. Once the had survived his flight home. Bloody thunderstorm.

„Harry?!“ Niall yelled. He heard a door closing and someone trip down the stairs. „You forgot ya headphones!“ As Niall stepped into the living room, it got filled with new spirit. Niall looked so cute. His hair wild, his clothes too big and comfortable. Again and again Harry was surprised by his feelings towards this boy. Could he...honestly, this was what they called a _crush_ , wasn’t it? If yes, Harry was totally smitten. 

„What are ya doing? Aren’t you bored? Could’a watched TV or somethin’.“ Niall stopped at the door frame, observing him. Harry was still sitting on the couch, busy doing nothing.  „Nahh, not bored.’m thinking about you. ’Is all.“ Harry said. Niall hummed, after walking over to him. As he stood in front of Harry, Niall extended his fist with his headphones. Harry peered up, through the curtain that were his curls. Niall was smiling. He reached out to take his headphones and as Niall released his grip on them, Harry’s hand lingered. Their eyes met. Harry’s hand still lingered. Niall broke their gaze, still it lingered, heating up with electricity and sweat. Niall, thankfully did not pull away. Neither did his smile flicker. 

„What were you thinking about…exactly?“ His fingers started playing with Harry’s, causing the headphones to fall down. „I was wondering-“ Harry stood up. „If you believe in true Hollywood romance?“

„What‘s that supposed t’mean?“ laughed Niall. It made Harry pull them towards the terrace door, which lead to Maura’s garden. With surprising aim, he slammed the door open. The warmth of the room changed immediately to the cold from outside. „What are you doing?! It’s disgusting outside!“ 

„What does it look like, Ni?“ Harry yelled over the storm. „I am having my romantic moment. Wanna join?“

Niall hesitated. He saw Harry standing there, cloths heavy from the rain. „We just gonn‘ ge‘sick. Come back! Me parents could be back any moment now!“ 

„I don’t give a damn!“ Harry screamed loudly as thunder, far away behind trees and houses filled the afternoon air with danger. „Come outside!“

„I don’t know, Harry? Don’t wanna ge‘ wet. Why would I even do that?“ Niall’s statement was a bit ironic, because he was already wet. He got hit by the rain that the wind blew inside through the door. Harry could see some sparkles in Niall’s eyes, even from where he had been standing. „Because I want to have my romantic moment with you!“ He opened his arms. An invitation. A test, in a way. Harry was waiting for Niall, the only question was, if Niall was ready to take the last steps or not.  „What about me parents? They-“ Niall dared to move one foot forwards onto the terrace. „They don’t know...they don’t know about  me ...about you...about us?“ So there could be, there actually could be a  _ them _ in the future? 

„They don’t have to! And they won’t! They are not home yet, are they?“ Harry could not remain still. He walked a bit closer towards Niall. His arms still wide open and a smile on his lips. „You...it feels like a summer storm inside me when I’m with you, Niall! I don’t give a shit about the rain. In this moment-“ There kind of went nothing. „In this moment I only care about you and I.“ Harry wiggled his eyebrows playfully. This situation was ridiculous really, but-

As Niall carefully took one step after another, slowly making his way outside, Harry forgot how cold it was, because there was a spark burning inside of him. He was certain that one day Niall would turn that spark into an undying flame.  Niall, finally, stood there…in front of Harry. Bright blue eyes were smiling at Harry. He could feel the other boy’s breath on his skin. „What now, Styles?“

„Are you ready?“ Harry asked. 

„Wha‘ for?“ questioned Niall, closing the distance between them. Harry did not waste any time then. He surged forward, cupping Niall’s face. Harry pressed his lips onto Niall‘s while his feet found solid ground which to stand on between Harry’s legs. He was surprised as he felt Niall’s tongue against his lips. Without thinking Harry greedily opened his, granting Niall access to explore every inch of Harry’s mouth. Neither of them knew what they were doing. Their kiss had been extremely sloppy, wet, too desperate, teeth clinging together, but it was the best fucking thing Harry had ever experienced. It almost seemed to Harry that they were turning, circling in the rain. His brain was in overwrite. It was crazy how bloody good it felt. He pushed his hand in Niall’s wet hair, taking control. Niall accepted. He drove his tongue against Niall’s teeth, catching Niall’s own tongue, playing with it. He moved behind Niall’s teeth, finding the unknown. He explored Niall’s soft lips as they had to pull apart to breath. Harry pecked his flushed cheeks. „For this. I hope you were ready for this.“ He grinned. Niall threw his head back, laughing. „I guess I was.“ He kissed Harry again, however this time their kiss was interrupted by doors being unlocked loudly. Maura announced her return. 

„Shit!“ Niall cursed. It didn’t keep him from smiling though. „My parents are back!“

***

** 2014 **

Niall still looked a bit hesitant, yet he had a knowing look on his face. He had not forgotten about their first kiss, unsurprisingly so.

„C‘here, Niall. I wanna have my romantic moment with you.“ Harry repeated words, once spoken what felt like a lifetime ago. All those years ago. Almost half a decade, but with Niall in his life, time and moments were always too short. He begged that Niall got the hint. That he recalled as well, because that would have been truly Hollywood ready.  „ _I don’t know, Harry. Don’t wanna ge‘ wet. Why would I even do that_?“ Niall replied, showing his teeth. He was grinning so much. 

Unlike last time in 2011, he took deliberate steps outside on their balcony. He faced the cold and the rain with no fear. Harry could see in Niall’s eyes, in that second, that not only Harry would find his way to Niall any time, but that Niall would always be gravitating towards Harry too. Maybe they were actually each other’s earth and moon...maybe something magical like this, such divine connection existed. If it did, then it would be this... _theirs_.  „It feels like a summer storm, when I am with you.“ Harry opened his arms for his world. Niall, on his way to Harry, didn’t tear his eyes away. They were so piercing. With every step closer to him, Harry could sense...knew that the cold was less and less prominent. „ _In this moment-_ “

„ _I only care about you and I_.“ Niall finished for Harry as he came to a halt in front of him. Minutes seemed to pass by while they just stood there, looking at each other...loving each other. 

„Hey.“ Harry whispered, after he had embraced Niall in a hug. He gazed up to Harry. „Hi.“ 

„I‘m glad you remembered.“ Harry mummerd. He was, really was. „Of course.“ Niall smiled up to him. „How could I not? You tuned my world upside down that day, keep doing it ever since as a matter of fact. Won’t ever forget that.“

It was strange, in a way, how durable human beings were after all, because there had been simultaneously fireworks, earthquakes and butterflies inside Harry, but somehow he did not explode. Did not burst from sheer happiness right in front of the man he loved.  „I love you.“ Harry couldn’t say it enough times. No words were enough to describe how he felt. „I love you, too. Gosh, Harry. We are like an old, married couple. We needa stop bein’ so sappy.“ Niall chuckled. 

Marriage. Something Harry could not wait for to happen.  Niall Styles . Or would it be Harry Horan? Perhaps Niall Styles-Horan? Did not matter anyway, did it? What would matter was the ring on Niall’s finger. That, Harry wanted.

„Mehh, I think it’s cute. And also, one can never practice enough, right? We better get started early on, so we won’t humiliate ourselves once we have gotten married. Would be a shame really.“ Neither of them cared how wet they had become, the heat between them was enough to keep them warm. Niall bilked away some rain drops in oder to see clearly.  „Granted. We have to, at least, outshine Nick and his eventual husband. Is gonn‘ be a victory or nothin‘ at all,  Mr. Horan . So better are ready to be obnoxiously cute and sappy with me.“ Niall said, tilting Harry’s chin. His grip was firm, but enjoyable. It had always made Harry feel save.  „Very well,  Mr. Styles , then how about we start right now?“ smirked Harry. Let the nostalgia be unleashed. „Kissing, maybe dancing in the rain on a roof top at midnight. That’s one romantic story to tell for a two year anniversary, don’t you think?“

„Definitely.“ Niall agreed while leaning up to kiss Harry, who held Niall in place. Not yet. „With no noisy parents who might disturb us, find out about our little secret. No flight to catch, separating us. And above all, no fear. Because I am not afraid anymore to mess up kissing you. My god, do you even know how nervous I have been, before kissing you the first time?“

„Well, tell _me_ about it!“ Niall exclaimed. Their mouths had only been inches apart. The calm before the storm. „You‘d at least kissed someone else before. You were my first. In every regard, Harry. I was bloody shaking, and not from the cold.“

„I wouldn’t have it any other way. I am happy I‘ve been your first.“ Harry pulled him closer. They were connected everywhere. They could feel each other’s heart beat, they could sense each other’s breath on their face. „Me too. I‘m also happy you‘ve been my first…well, the only one to steal my heart.“

„See here…you really were serious about winning.“ Harry said amusedly. „Is gonna be so easy with you being that cheesy. And I foolishly thought I was the only true romantic in this relationship.“ 

„Fuck off, Harry. I am serious.“ Niall pushed him gently.  „I know, love. You are the best.“ He inhaled. „And I‘ll never forget it. The kiss, Niall. It was so special. So good.“ Harry caught Niall’s bottom lips between his teeth.  „Stop. It was fucking horrible. Don’t sugarcoat it, H. I had no idea what I had been doing. It was awful.  _ I _ was awful.“ muffled Niall jokingly against Harry.  „No, you weren’t.“ Harry drew back, ever so slightly, his gaze fixed on Niall’s lips. „ _Are you ready_?“

Niall smiled, dimpled and face glowing with anticipation. „Please.“

And whereas Harry  felt like they were flying in 2011, he was almost sure that they actually were right now. They must have been twirling in the air, since Harry had problems standing. Solid ground was taken away from beneath his feet. That was how good the kiss had been. The world around their spot blacked out, was pulled away to the very end of their consciousness. No one, but them existed in that moment or was from any remote importance. The only thing Harry felt was Niall’s mouth on his, his tongue poking against Harry’s lips. Niall wanted to take the lead. 

That was how it had always been. Niall being forceful, desperate to be in control, but as soon as Harry was ready to fully engage in the kiss, Niall gave in immediately. It was his way of teasing Harry, his way of telling Harry to get to it. So Harry would. He pushed Niall‘s tongue back, accessing his boyfriend‘s mouth. They had played this game of teasing and being teased on countless occasions, yet it was different every single time. It had never gotten boring or repetitive.  After their first kiss, those who followed had been unique ever since. Harry caught Niall’s tongue in his, feeling it...tasting Niall. It was always sensational, when Harry explored the back of Niall’s teeth, causing moans to escape Niall’s throat. He could feel his feet were about to give in, were weak, just by how good it all felt, as Niall steadied himself against Harry. He pushed his nails into Harry shoulder with just the right amount of pressure. The perfect dance between painful and extremely arousing. Niall had always known how to walk that fine line perfectly. 

He leaned in more, growing more and more and more desperate. Harry could feel the fire inside burning, in his stomach. He had been grinding his hips onto Niall’s as his head got dizzy with pleasure. He felt intoxicated. All he had been, all he had to offer was Niall’s. Harry’s hands wandered more south to grab Niall’s ass, pulling his soft cheeks apart. Niall’s groaned as Harry moved one hand away from his back to shove it between his legs, palming Niall’s dick through his trousers. They both were incredibly hard. 

Harry could feel the wet spot in his underwear when his leaking cock shifted. The rain, still pouring down on them, covered Niall in a magical glow. His lips were red from kissing so much, his cheeks were red from the cruel blush and his skin was soft, moisturized.  „Harry-.“ Niall whimpered hollowly. „We...let‘s-“

„Yeah.“ complied Harry, running his fingers over his boyfriend‘s wrist lightly. „Let’s get inside.“ Without losing any time, Niall turned his hand, so their fingers were linked. He dragged Harry inside and in the living room. He looked at Harry, nibbling his own lips. „Where?“

„The bed?“ Harry quickly suggested. It didn’t really matter. Everywhere with at least some privacy was enough for him. „It’s gonn‘ ge‘ wet, Harry. We are soaking.“ Niall looked around. „It’d been filthy anyways, Ni.“ he smirked, closing the distance.  „The shower?“

„Don’t think I can make it there.“ Harry negated. „Not with you looking like this.“ He let his breath tickle Niall’s ear. He grabbed his hips, turned him around and pulled Niall gently onto their sofa. „This is just fine.“ The heat from the fireplace was the only light in the room. The windows were blacked automatically, all other lights were switched off. Niall gazed up to him with puffy lips, swallowing hard. His dick was clearly visible as a huge bulge, standing between his hips. Harry got down as well. He placed himself on Niall’s lap, massaging their dicks together. The friction of both the warmth of their pulsing cocks and trousers was already too much to comprehend. It caused Niall to mutter incoherent words. 

Harry rucked Niall’s hoody up. On instinct he lifted his arms to let it slide off his body. It hit the floor with a wet plumb. At the sight of light chest hair, gracing Niall’s upper body and the happy trail, leading him to what he liked most, Harry wet his lips greedily. „So good. You look so good, Ni. Most handsome man I’ve ever seen, love.“ He began biting Niall’s collarbones, sucking them red. Showing everyone whose territory that was, had been, would always be. He could feel Niall’s finger tips fumble with the hem of his own shirt. „Off. I want it  _off_ .“ 

Harry sneered at Niall’s greediness. „Be my guest.“ Next thing Harry knew, were Niall’s hands everywhere. Slipping underneath his shirt, stripping him from it, playing with his nipples, making them hard, raking through his hair, tugging it. It felt so good. Niall focused on Harry’s neck, also marking his territory. He didn’t have to worry though, Harry would never again let anyone else do this, won’t ever let anyone else see him like this...so vulnerable, searing. „Wish I had those too.“ Niall said, licking his tongue over Harry’s toned chest, following the lines of his six-pack. „Wish I would look as good for you.“ He kissed his way upwards, ending at Harry’s butterfly tattoo. „You are perfect, Ni.“ husked Harry, after grasping Niall’s chin up. „Just perfect.“ 

He was. Niall’s freckles, his muscular arms, his scarred finger tips from playing guitar for too long. His beard, his hair, all of Niall was perfect. Harry kissed him, rolling their lips over each other, while he loosened Niall’s belt. „Can I?“ Harry breathed against Niall’s cheek. „Yes! Been waiting all night…told ya been’ starving. Want you to fuck me…fuck me real good.“ he urged, lifting his butt off the sofa in order for Harry to pull off his clothes. So Harry did. „Fuck me, now.“ And Harry would never get enough of this sight. Niall, the person he loved like nothing else on this world, there in front of him, shifting to lay on their sofa. His body shining with rain and sweat alike, his dick, standing painfully red as well as leaking, ready to be wrecked. Harry was so lucky. 

„Quite staring, arse!“ Niall hissed as he impatiently started to stroke up and down his length. „And get to it, H. I want you to rip me in half, baby.“

„Stop saying stuff like that. Y‘gonna make me come.“ 

„Well, then...“ Niall wiggled his ass and hooked his legs around Harry’s waist. But before bringing him down to lay on top of him, Niall leaned up, smiling ambiguously. „…You just gotta make me shut up.“ Niall kissed his bellybutton, placed pecks down Harry’s own bulge. 

„W-What do you have in mind?“ Harry blurted, bucking his hips. „A few things. One or two.“ Niall smirked, going down to undo Harry’s zip with his god damn teeth, not breaking eye contact. So fucking hot as some drops of spit leaked from Niall’s wet mouth.

The moment Harry was freed of his cloths, he pressed Niall back onto the couch, kissing him, tasting him. Harry also took control over his boyfriend’s hand that had been moving on his dick. Now he was in charge of the pace. He settled on something quite slow, almost torturously so. „Haz-“ Niall showed his disapproval, accent sloppy. The best way of Niall talking, so Harry thought. He wanted more. „Please, baby. Wanna feel ya. Wanna feel ya inside me. C‘mon.“

„Shh.“ Harry used a kiss to silence him. „Don’t worry, love. I’m going to make you feel so fucking good tonight.“ Harry growled into Niall’s ear. His voice had been extra deep, because he knew how weak it made Niall. Unsurprisingly Niall groaned, trying to pick up the pace, but Harry didn’t let him. Instead Harry swirled his hand to lift Niall up slightly. Niall’s feet tightened around his waist. Harry was rubbing Niall’s perineum, stimulating it. He went down on Niall, after pulling his foreskin back to expose Niall’s swollen head. Harry licked his lips and began sucking Niall’s dick. One hand kept his hips in place as the other switched between caressing Niall’s split and rubbing his balls. He hollowed his cheeks with flush lips to take Niall all the way in. At first, Harry made deliberate strokes, but after Niall pleads had gotten too persistent, he got faster. Salvia and precome were dripping hotly onto Niall’s abdomen, as he was engulfed by wet heat. „Baby, fuck! Feels so good. Lord!“ Niall moaned, putting one hand into Harry’s hair, stroking it. Harry slipped his tongue into Niall’s slit as he payed extra additional attention to Niall’s head. He could taste the sweetness of Niall’s precome. It was so much. Sweet mostly, in a weird way. Bittersweet. A mixture of salt, fruits too. At least Harry liked to think so. Liked to think of summer, fruits, the sea, grapes, watermelons and all of it combined in one overwhelming explosion. Harry loved it. He speeded up and pressed one finger against Niall’s entrance. „Fuck, Harry, faster! Shit.“ 

Harry, however, chose to do the opposite. With every stroke he got slower and slower. Before he was pulling off, he scraped his teeth along Niall’s dick gently. „Harry, fuck! What‘re ya doin‘? Shit! Felt so good.“ Niall’s hand came to cup Harry’s face, letting his finger tips dance around Harry’s delicate features. „Patience, love. Not gonna make you cum yet. Gonna make it last for us. Gonna take my time with you tonight. Is that alright?“

„U-uh. I‘m yours, Haz.“ Niall mewled, grabbing Harry’s neck to being him down for a sloppy kiss. While kissing, Harry circled his finger against Niall’s hole again, teasing him. Then he pushed it forward slowly in order to not hurt him. Niall gasped at the surprise friction, but looked completely pleased. They did not need any lube. Their skin was wet and their body slippery from the rain outside. They were soaked to their bones. With ease Harry let his finger slide in and out. They quickly settled on a pace, as Harry had already added a second one and Niall was tugging Harry as well as himself off with one hand between them. The sounds the fire made were outmachted by the noises, quieks that had been escaping them. 

„More.“ Niall pleaded. „Give it to me! Make me groan, Harry. Fuck, make me come like never before.“ 

Harry scissored his, now three fingers inside Niall, filling him up, widening him. „Mhhm, alright. Where‘s the stuff down here? You remember?“

„Side-stand table on the left, first drawer.“ Niall answered quickly. Harry stretched his hand forward, causing his body to slide across Niall’s. His dick was drawing wild patters with his precome all over his boyfriend’s chest. He could feel Niall’s chest hair playing with his own dick. It made him shudder, electricity running down his spine. Blindly he opened the drawer, finding the things he needed immediately. He grabbed one condom and found something else, too. Something Harry long had forgotten about. It was cold against his fingers. Metal. A cockring. Niall had brought it a lifetime ago. He had been so hesitant and shy, before admitting to Harry that he might like it. Harry took it as well. 

As Harry drew back, he ripped the package open, the cockring between his lips. „Wha-What‘s this?“ 

„Told you.“ Harry said, sliding the condom down his penis. „Tonight’s gonn‘ be special.“ He took the ring from his mouth, opened it and put it tightly around Niall’s base. „You up for this? I can’t take it off again, if you-“

„Shut up and fuck me, Harry. I _am_ ready. I would have never bought it, if I didn’t like it. ’Is really nice.“ Niall bleated smilingly. He once again affirmed his grip on Harry’s waist, getting him close. Harry embraced into Niall’s heat. He positioned himself in front of Niall’s rim, lining his dick up. „You‘re going to tell me, if it gets too much, yes?“ 

Niall grunted. He had lost all of his little, remaining patience. Frankly, so had Harry. His cock was pulsing with lust and desire. He needed to do something. 

„Sure, babe. Now-“ Niall signaled Harry with his head to get going. Harry sank into Niall, pulling in deliberately and out again. He placed his hands on either side of Niall’s face, kissing him breathless. Like it had been the most natural thing in the entire world they fell into a steady rhythm right away. Niall bucked his hips up in perfect synchronization as Harry went in and out Niall’s hole. 

The flames of the fireplace were jumping on their skin, creating a picture for only them to see. Harry picked up his pace, so did Niall, and as Harry glanced down, watching his cock disappear into Niall’s body, he could feel himself getting steadily closer. Niall splayed his hands across Harry’s back, scratching his nails into his skin deeper and deeper with every thrust of Harry, hitting Niall’s prostate. He knew by heart how to find it. „Yes, exactly there! Harry, oh god. Deeper!“ paced Niall under him. „So good, baby. You‘re amazing. Fuck!“ He supported Harry now by also pulling him in with his arms. Relentlessly Harry kept up with his torturous speed. „Ni...“ he said lusciously. „You’re so fucking tight. So good! Gonna cum‘ soon.“

„Me too, babe. Don’t stop! Don’t bloody ever stop! Fuck me so good, make me feel you still in days.“ Niall shouted as Harry hit his spot time and time again. „Not gonna.“ He slammed against Niall. The sound of skin against skin filled to room, even louder than their moans in between kisses. Harry could taste Niall. His sweat. Breathed the musky smell of it. He longed to lick the thin sheen off his body. 

„Ni, baby, think, I am gonna...“

„Harder, give me all you got! Fuck me like it’s the last time.“ He encouraged Harry. Niall’s dick was red, leaking and ready to come. Thick with pumping blood due to the tight cock ring. „Mrmph“ was all Harry could manage to say as he could feel his stomach tighten with the all so familiar sensation. Desperately, Harry hammered into Niall, aiming correctly every time. 

„Oh, fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck!“ Niall yelled. „There, just there, Harry! Fucking Christ! Exactly like that, yes! Harry, fuck. Lord!“ He wouldn't last much longer. Every grunt Niall made deep in his throat, drove Harry closer and closer to the edge. As Harry finally came to reach his climax, they lost their rhythm. One hand reached down as he came into the condom to take off the ring. Niall sighed with relief as he too jinxed all over Harry’s chest. „Oh, Christ, Harry! Fuck.“ Niall kissed him, slinging his arms around Harry’s neck. „That was so fucking good.“ 

„Yeah“ Harry agreed breathlessly. He had been fucking Niall so hard that it actually hurt. He seemed to come forever, it didn’t stop. Burningly the white liquid spurted into Niall. Where priorly had been the best kind of fire inside Harry, there now was a draining flame, sucking on his life. It made its way all through him, through his penis, ending in the condom. It hurt so bad, Harry had to squeeze his eyes in pain. He had never come so long or hard or so distressingly. Yet, Harry had never had sex comparable to this. He was delusional, dizzy with everything going on. Niall who guided him through with kisses along his jaw, stroking his curls. The condom filled, filled up more and more. And the fire didn't care. It remained firmly in place, totally unimpressed by what had been happening. 

„You good?“ Niall asked, a bit concerned, as he saw Harry’s face wrinkled in discomfort. 

„Yeah, Just cumin‘ so hard. Best…sex…ever.“ Harry laughed, accepting the kiss Niall was offering. „I love you.“ 

„I love ya too, Harry. Geez, I’m so done. Completely wrecked.“ Niall hushed. „Thank you. That was amazing.“

„I agree.“ Harry acknowledged while resting his forehead on Niall’s shoulder. The tedious tickling in his lower back hadn’t stopped. It crept all the up his spinal cord to his head, even though his dick had already gone limp. It unsettled Harry somewhat, seeing that it had never happed before. Being in agony while coming, while making love to Niall. Thankfully the pain vanished as soon as Harry pulled out of Niall, after he had been told to do so. Niall turned a bit sideways, gesturing Harry that he would now be ready for his promised hugs. He made room for Harry to lie next to him on the sofa. It made him smile so much. Subconsciously he tore his condom off, put a knot in it and threw it somewhere behind them. He took the blanket from the floor to cover them. They were facing each other, their lips only inches apart. They happened to touch innocently from time to time. They ended up in an entangled mess of limps, feet and Harry’s curls. 

„They‘ve gotten so long, H.“ Niall stated, burying his hands in Harry’s hair. He looked so at ease with a content smile on his face. „Too long?“ Harry anxiously asked. „Not too long, are they?“

„Not long enough.“ murmured Niall, tucking on one stray. „I love it.“

„Then I‘m glad. Gonna donate it anyways.“ 

„My knight in shining amour.“ Niall pecked his nose with the most intimate motion. „You know-“ Niall began, sighing in comfort. „I’ve been thinking...I‘m not sure yet, but maybe I wanna grow the blond out?“ Niall blushed like he was embarrassed of the reaction Harry might have, regarding his wish to change his appearance. Harry would never judge him. Niall would always be perfect. „I like it. Especially the dark roots, Ni. Looks stunning, but you‘ll look dashing anyways.“

„Haz.“ He blushed even more. „I mean I like it too, but...eventually? Would you mind, me having brown hair?“

„Are you kidding, Ni?“ Harry snuggled closer. „I would love it. Been imagining it as well. And more beard, too.“ Harry said, nuzzling his face into Niall’s hair. „At least one of us, ehh?“

„You think? Maybe, if you‘d like it. Would be kinda fun to see how I’d look.“ laughed Niall. He would look breathtakingly handsome, without a doubt. „Let’s see. We don’t know if they would even let me do it.“

„No, we don't talk about _them_ now. We are on our days off. Fuck them. Be whoever you want around me. We could even dye them right now.“ Harry joked. He had enough of their management, controlling every aspect of their life. It was  _their_ life for a reason. „Wouldn’t be too pleased with that, would they?“ Niall said, his voice turning sad. „Us being together is stressful enough for them as it is. Dicks, they are.“

Harry kissed him to show just how much he agreed with that statement. He couldn’t wait for the day they would be free, able to be who they really were on the inside. Their true selves. When Harry was about to say something incredible sappy, Niall’s expression flickered for a second like he was contemplating something. Harry looked at him expectingly.  „Thank you, Harry.“ Niall cleared his throat. „I know what you’ve done tonight for our…ouranniversary. It...it was the best surprise I could have asked for.“ They smiled at each other. „I do have something too though.“

„You do? What?“ Jolted Harry. He had gotten sleepy, well not really...he just felt a weird level of exhaustion. „Wait.“ Niall laughed as Harry already longed for Niall to steal another round of kisses. Niall sat up and leaned over Harry to grab his trousers. Quickly he found what he had been searching for. Harry guessed it must have been in his back pocket.  Niall held a small, black box between theirs faces. It was simple in its design, but no less beautiful. It was covered it black velvet. „What is it?“ Harry inquired curiously. „We agreed not to buy anything for each other, Niall. Now I am the idiot who doesn’t have something for you.“ 

„It’s just something small. And also, you cooked for me, created the most romantic moment I have ever had in my life and fucked me so good I won’t be able to walk properly for days.“ Niall explained. „It’s the least I could do. Here-“ He gently took Harry’s palm in his own, handing him the box. „Open it.“

„Niall, I swear. If this is an engagement ring, I’m gonna both cry and kill you, because you know how badly I wanna be the one proposing to you.“ Harry pouted childishly. 

„I know. It’s not, promise. Just open it.“ Niall took some of Harry‘s fingers, putting them atop on the box. „Hope you‘ll like it. It’s for when we are apart-“ Harry unlocked the box which revealed a silver necklace. It was slim, beautiful and simple. No enormous clutter or anything. Just a slim band of silver. And at the end, there had been a marvelous paper plane, made from the same material. „To make you remember that I am always only one flight away, Harry. It means that I will always find my way back to, because I love you so fucking much.“

„Ni-“ Harry had gotten speechless. It was exactly his style, his sense of fashion and the meaning behind it made Harry gulp away his tears. „It’s beautiful. Thank you so much. I love it.“ Harry smiled. It was so genuine.  „I mean it, Harry. No matter where they send us, what’s gonna happen to us. Not matter how far we are being put apart, I will always come to find you. And if it means to swim there through the Atlantic, I would do it…for you.“ Niall took the plane out of the box, opening the lid. He reached around Harry’s neck. It fit like it was always supposed to be there. It felt right immediately. It was so light in weight and so heavy in meaning. Harry didn’t think that he was to ever take it off again.

„I don’t know what to say, Niall. It’s... _you’re_ just perfect.“ Harry kissed his forehead, then Niall’s hair. „You don’t have to say anything, H. I know how you feel…here.“ Just like Harry had done earlier this evening to Niall, Niall put his hand on Harry’s heart now. „Let us just sleep, yeah? We are knackered.“ 

Harry nodded. He was so exhausted, all energy drained from his body all of a sudden. „Happy two year anniversary, love.“ He said, closing his eyes. 

„Happy anniversary, babe.“ repeated Niall. His voice was so deep and slow. Harry knew he was already drifting off to sleep. Neither of them gave a damn about how filthy they had been, all covered in cum. „Good Night, Harry.“ Niall whispered. 

„Sleep tight“ Harry whispered back as the only sound in the room was the fire. But sleep would come. Not as Niall was already breathing evenly, fast asleep wrapped in Harry’s arms. Not as one hour passed and not as two hours passed. Something inside of him just didn’t feel right. He felt off. Something was wrong, because normally, when Niall was at his side, he was used to fall asleep right away. He kept tossing and tuning, yet every time his back made contact with the sofa, an excruciating pain jolted through his body. It felt like he was being so full, about to burst. Maybe the he had fallen sick? His immune system and rain had never been the best of friends necessarily. After he felt the ascending urge to take a much needed piss, he lovingly lifted Niall’s head from his arm and snuck out of the covers. 

„’arry?“ Niall asked sleepily. „Ya‘ alright?“

„Sure, love. Just having a wee.“

Niall seemed satisfied with that answer and turned around to sleep again. Harry, completely naked still, walked down the hallway to their bathroom. But after a couple of steps every additional one seemed to kill his lower abdomen. The pressure of putting his foot down was taking everything in Harry to not scream his pain away. He couldn’t wake Niall. What the hell was wrong with him?! Did they go at it too rough? Perhaps there was some nerve damage? 

He stumbled to the toilet as silent as possible. Harry switched on the light. He really needed to pee right now. He hurriedly shut the door, sat down on the toilet and bit his fist. It burnt like hell, peeing. The fuck?! It only worsened his condition around his back region. It had been a never ending pain as he seemed to piss forever. Had he drunken that much? He wanted to scream, but he didn’t. He wanted to cry, but he refused. He wanted to ask for help…ask Niall, but he bit his fist again, stronger. It kept coming and coming, just like before durning sex. How? Why?

After what felt like an entirety, the pain stopped, so did Harry’s heart, at least it felt like it. Wincingly, he stood up, ready to forget all about this, ready to lie next to Niall again. This had been the best day, the best evening, the best night, Harry was not willing to have it spoilt by some weird ass infection or whatsoever. It would be fine In the morning. He was probably just imagining things, taken how tired he had been? 

Harry was about to flush the toilet, when he noticed it. The red. The blood. The drops of blood all over the white of their bathroom tiles. The urine in the toilet that did not look like urine at all. It had mostly been red, thick-ish with blood. On instinct, Harry’s gaze shot down to his penis, what he discovered there made him almost lose his consciousness. It was sore, the tip was leaking a blood like substance. Just now Harry took in the immense burn, like someone smeared it all over. What was happening to him? 

He shook his head in disbelief, flushing the toilet...flushing the unwanted away. He hastily grabbed for some tissues. He kneeled down to rub the blood away. It hadn’t dried in yet, so it had been easily removed. Suddenly the condom came to Harry’s mind. What if? 

He tiptoed his way out. Once in the living room he found it, bless the lord, immediately. He took it back to the bathroom to inspect in under better light. In retrospect, Harry shouldn’t have done it, really. The clot of blood mixed with stained sperm made him want to vomit. This was no flu for sure. Fuck!

Without thinking Harry flushed both the tissues and the condom in the toilet, successfully getting rid of all evidence. He didn’t want to think anymore tonight. Harry was too exhausted anyhow. They would talk about it tomorrow. It was probably nothing concerning, right? It was most likely just a harmless cystitis. He would get medication and that was it. He decided to get some underpants from the laundry to prevent any more incidents. Harry switched off the light. 

„Finished?“ Niall asked as Harry had lifted the duvet to slip underneath.

„Yes.“ Harry said, kissing the back of Niall’s head. 

„Felling better?“ 

No.

„Yes. Now sleep, love.“ 

A lie.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It is important for me to state that i am NOT a medical expert. All medical conditions in this story fall under the use of well...creative freedom. You know your body best. Do NOT take this story as a reference as it might not be accurate.
> 
> I do however encourage everyone to go see a doctor, should there be issues regarding one's health. Most of the time it is nothing major after all. Best to get even the simplest things checked.
> 
> \---
> 
> Did you like it? Let me know what you think about this chapter if you feel like it.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> „Why are you dying, Harry?“ Niall asked with mixture of fear, anger and utter confusion in his voice. Harry couldn’t answer his question, really. For more than one reason. Firstly, he wasn’t sure himself. Secondly, how was Harry to tell Niall something that he had refused to admit to himself? 
> 
> „Harry!“ Niall dropped the food bags to the ground carelessly, heading towards him. „Do I really have to repeat myself?! C’mon, finally talk to me?“ Harry could hear Niall’s keys clinging together. The sound was shrill and unbearable. It foreshadowed the inevitable. The end...of peace, the end of their truce, made just a few hours ago and the end of...his denial. Fuck, Harry had never thought this shit was to get real.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy endings are for you and for me...happy endings are for everyone. So don’t worry ;)
> 
> TW: Description of medical conditions and severe illness.

**2015**

„Ni?! You’re back? How…? When did you come back?“ Harry blurted. Fuck! Was this day to get even worse? This was not how Niall was to find about…well about everything, god damnit!

„Why are you _dying_ , Harry?“ Niall said with the same tone to his voice. A mixture of fear, anger and utter confusion. Harry couldn’t answer his question, really. For more than one reason. Firstly, he wasn’t sure himself. The doctor in Austria had not been the most eloquent one, Harry’d ever encountered. Blame it on the language barrier, blame it on his intelligence. Or maybe none of this was accurate at all and he just didn’t like that doctor, because of the stuff he had told Harry. Secondly, how was Harry to tell Niall something out loud that he had refused to admit to himself? Unsurprisingly, this was not working, certainly not in Harry’s favor. 

„Harry!“ Niall dropped the food bags to the ground carelessly, heading towards him. „Do I really have to repeat myself?! C’mon, finally talk to me?“ Harry could hear Niall’s keys clinging together. The sound was shrill and unbearable. It foreshadowed the inevitable. The end...of peace, the end of their truce, made just a few hours ago and the end of...his denial. Fuck, Harry had never thought this shit was to get real. 

Harry didn’t think so, when he had woken up with pain in his lower back every morning. He didn’t think so, when the pain would not decrease throughout the day, but got consistently stronger. And he refused to think so, when he came in waves of shocking pain during sex. But instead of white sperm, it had been red. One major reason why they had very little sex in the last few months. Not only because it hurt Harry like hell, but also because it was a pain in the ass to keep this… _“secret“_ from Niall. To hide the condom with blood in it from him every time. To hide his deterioration. 

„Snap out of it, Harry!“ Niall was standing directly in front of him. He waved his hand close to Harry’s face. „Are you ignoring me? Christ, answer me for once!“

No, of course he wasn’t ignoring Niall. He had been lost in his thoughts and mind. Honestly, Harry was just lost in general. A lost case...fighting a battle only to be lost, had been what the doctor said. At least Harry guessed so?

„Niall-“ It was Louis who spoke up from the phone in Harry's lap. His voice clanged through the room with a metallic sound. It was quite unpleasant. Harry really should have already ended the call. He didn’t know what to do or say. So, perhaps…Louis being here was not too bad. „Calm down. How long have you been standing there?“ Harry noticed that Louis tried hard to come across as unbothered, but both Niall and him knew him too well for that. It was a desperate attempt to smooth the situation. Louis was failing though as he stumbled over his words. „What did you hear?“ 

„Fucking enough to know that you have not been joking, Louis!“ Niall jolted. 

„I think, maybe you two should talk-“

„Bloody right ya‘re!“ Niall interrupted, yanking Harry’s phone from him. He blinked shortly at the screen, before ending the call. Harry was positive that Louis had probably never seen Niall more furious than in this moment. His face was red, burning with anger. Not only that though. Harry could see pearls of sweat on his hairline, his temples. Concern. Niall was also concerned. Scared, too, just as Harry. 

„Harry? What’s going on?!“ Niall said demandingly. He tapped his feet up and down nervously. His nails were already between his lips. An old habit, he always fell back into, no matter how hard Niall tried not to. He was biting his nails when he was nervous every time. Harry didn’t dare to move. Only as Niall turned on his heels, yanking on his hair, Harry brought up the courage to risk a glance. 

„Why won’t you fucking finally talk to me?!“ Niall was standing in the center of the living room. His head was tilted upwards, staring at the ceiling.

„Niall...listen-" Harry said. His mind was racing to come up with some sort of lame excuse, trying hard, but there was nothing but darkness and fear. He couldn’t think of anything. 

„No, Harry. You listen to me now.“ Niall said, sighing. He grabbed the bride of his nose. „I asked you to be honest with me, just a few hours ago! Now I find out, by fucking chance, that something‘s wrong with you...whatever that is. I swear to god, if it’s true what Louis‘ said, imma kill you first. Don’t you dare leave me! Do you even comprehend for how long I've been standing there listening to you?“ 

„Love, I don’t know-“ Harry bawled. 

„Five minutes, Harry! I’ve heard Austria and doctors and don't you dare to " _Love"_ me now and hospital and dying and-“ Niall rambled, his body stiff. „What’s going on?!“ 

He needed to explain himself. What was the point anyways? It seemed ridiculous, looking at it now, because only a few hours ago Harry asked himself as to how this day was to get any worse. He had his answer now. „What do you want me to say?“ His voice was barely above a whisper. Harry faced the ground. 

„You really asking that?!“ Niall scoffed incredulously, slamming his keys onto their living room table. The glass cracked from the impact. 

„Yeah…yes?“

„The fucking truth!!!“ Niall yelled. He paced up and down next to the sofa. Harry could sense the he was close to losing it. „Two hours! Ya promised me two hours ago you would talk to me. God damit! What happened in those two hours? For ya…for you to keep secrets from me again?!“ What kind of bullshit question was that, honestly? Niall accidentally had found about Harry’s deepest secret, he refused to acknowledge. That Harry treated like it wasn’t there at all. This is what had happened. 

To be fair, Harry actually planned on confining Niall rather sooner than later. However on _his_ terms...when _he_ felt ready. Not like this, all of a sudden. Funny though, how something having been there for years, could still come as a surprise to Harry and catch him off guard.

„Ni, you need to calm down.“ Harry said. If he was to do this, then at least without screaming. The arguing would come regardlessly. 

„Don’t.“ Niall held up one hand. „ _Do not_ tell me what to do.“ He sat down at the edge of their table, dragging his hands over his face. 

„I am sorry.“ Harry said, reaching forward to sooth Niall’s right thigh. As he was about there, his hand got slapped away by Niall’s arms. „Do ya even recognize how many times I have heard that today?“ 

There was not really much to argue about that, but- 

„I am sorry, Ni. Can we…You want to talk? I want to talk too.“

Niall studied him, blue eyes reading his mind. He exhaled deeply. „Sounds familiar, that. Heard that one as well today. _Wanting to talk...being honest._ “ Niall said humorlessly. „No, Harry, here’s what we gonna do.“ He got onto his feet again. „Imma grab meself a glass of water in the kitchen and clean up the mess of food on the floor. We should use that time to think about…well, about this." He pointed vaguely at Harry, his hand dismissively waving off. "Especially ya have a lot of thinking to do and when I come back, I _demand_ to hear the truth, alrigh‘?“ 

Harry nodded. He was fine with that. Anything to get this done and over with.

„Okay.“ Niall complied, while he headed for the kitchen, unsteady on his feet. It was anger and fear that made Niall be anxious with cruel uncertainty. He disappeared around the corner and with him left something...something? Harry’s wasn’t sure exactly what it had been. It felt like _this something_ was missing now. 

Desperation was gone. Devastation too. The mind-blowing urge to be in control. In control of his condition. Of his lies. To keep them from falling apart, to make them seem believable. It had been pure stress, horror really. Harry was somewhat glad that in a few moments, he wouldn’t have to carry this burden for himself anymore. Still, there was a spike of guilt Harry felt in his gut. He felt guilty in a way, like he was being extremely selfish, since he would load all his shit onto Niall. Just because he had not been strong enough to cope on his own. Harry felt so weak, so...so weak.

„Fuck!“ came from the kitchen. The next moment, Harry heard glass shatter and more curses that followed. 

„Are...are you okay?“ Harry asked while trying to stand up in order to help Niall. He grimaced in pain as the familiar, jolting fire shot up and down his body. Yet, he forced himself to stand upright. Immediately his head got dizzy and the world around him started to twirl. He shook his head to regain focus. Harry’s hand grabbed onto the armchair next to him, supporting him to keep his balance. He decided to inhale deeply, filling his system with air. Dizziness was caused by too little oxygen being delivered to the brain after all, that Harry knew. 

He still wasn’t able to walk properly as Niall replied. The painkillers Harry’s had taken seemed to have lost their effect. His condition was worse than just a few hours ago. „I‘m good. ’Is just been glass.“ 

„Alright. I‘m glad you’re not hurt.“ Harry blurted, his teeth gritted. He was aware that his words were spoken sloppily. All his concentration was needed to just keep him on his feet. 

„What did ya say?“ Niall inquired. 

„Nothin’“ Apparently Niall hadn't understood him. Did he speak that brokenly or had it been Niall, shuffling around in the kitchen? 

„For fucks sake.“ Harry uttered under his breath at his dreadful attempt of taking a step forward. „Keep it together, Styles. You can bloody do this shit. You‘ve been through worse.“ A lie, really. Harry could not reckon any moment where he had been in comparable pain. He needed more pain medicine...now! Luckily enough for him, he had them stored in the kitchen...occupied by Niall...who didn’t know about his medication. Fuck! 

Nevertheless, seeing there wasn’t really another option, he dragged himself over to the kitchen. He took every opportunity to find grip on furniture, walls or something alike. Anything. Something Harry had never been reliant on before. A rapid change. A scary, frightening deterioration. Every time his right foot hit the floor it caused a numbing pain to race though his leg all the way up to his ear. It’d been exhausting. His mouth became dry, making it increasingly harder to swallow. His tongue appeared to consist out of dry desert sand. Harry’s eyes lost their ability to function properly. His vision, first, tuned into utter blur and then…then there had been nothing. The only thing Harry had been able to see was black, unforgiving darkness, making his head feel oddly light. The rest of his body turned into heavy stone, challenging his will to remain conscious. He started to scream. „Ni?!?“ 

„Cleaning the shards, Harry.“

„Ni?!?“ He yelled again. He ad always hared being helpless, but now...he had no issue admitting that he was. That he was helpless, because, frankly, he was.

"What?!"

Still, his voice was hoarse, thin. And the world wouldn’t stop spinning. Why wouldn’t it fucking stop? Harry roared as loudly as he could „Help! Help me, Niall! I can’t-“ He was so close to blacking out now. Both to the kitchen floor and to Niall. Closer to fainting though. 

„Harry?“ Niall rushed out of the kitchen with some towel in his hand, he had cleaned the floor with. „What’s wrong?“ He looked concerned. He probably heard the uneasiness in Harry’s attire. „Babe, are you okay? My god, you’re pale! Jesus.“ Niall exclaimed, throwing the towel away mindlessly. He hurried towards him. 

Harry just stood there, taking Niall in one last time, before the world around him sucked him into darkness. 

Everything that happened afterwards were just flashes on Harry’s mind. He remembered Niall running to him, catching him, so he wouldn’t collapse onto the living room floor. He felt a hand on his head which wiped away both strains of sweat and strays of hair. 

„’arry?“ Niall’s voice was so obscene? Blurry and dull. It was like someone had put cotton inside his ears. It’s gotten so silent, his surroundings, the world around him. Peaceful almost, if it hadn’t been for his beating heart and the shrill, peeping sound in his ears. „’arry? Talk to me. What’s wrong?“ Niall moved his hand away from his face to wave it in front of Harry. He didn’t feel anything, but Niall’s biceps around his neck and his thigh under Harry’s foot. He tried to focus on Niall, on his bright blue eyes. So, so bright...bright blue...like water, like rain. Bright...blue like-

„Harry!? Can y’hear me?“ Niall wrapped his hand around Harry’s head again. He wanted to say something, he truly did. More than ruffled sounds, he had not been capable of. Harry threw his eyes back, going completely numb in Niall’s arms. With leaving consciousness, he also left the pain. 

The next thing Harry recognized was that Niall lifted him up. He could feel Niall’s muscles flex as he carried Harry. His feet slid over the floor, since Niall could not fully carry Harry all the way to well…wherever he intended to carry him. Harry blinked and blinked and blinked once more, trying to force himself back to reality. Without success. The world remained a disturbing blur. A nightmare, not willing to end. Harry felt weak, so robbed of control, useless. He had gotten his ability to be in charge of his own life stolen from him. He hoped...only temporarily. He distantly apprehend a door being kicked open, before he was hit with the familiar smell of their bed room. 

„Gonn‘ lie ya down now, alrigh’?“ Niall informed Harry. Several steps later Harry got engulfed by the softness of their mattress. They had been cold, therefore had a somewhat grounding effect on Harry. His head landed on a pillow. It wasn’t his own, because it distinctively smelled like Niall's. It calmed him down even further. Niall lifted up Harry's body quickly to grab the covers from beneath him. He squeezed it together into a ball-ish shape. 

„I‘ll lift up your feet, Harry. Don’t startle. It’s fine. I have to put your feet atop something, so your blood can circle properly again, okay?“ Harry’s knight. Always there to take care of him. So Niall did. He stuffed the cover beneath his legs, after adjusting them. Then he walked over to one of the windows, opening it. Immediately coldness flowed inside and cooled Harry’s burning skin. „’Is for the oxygen, Harry. I‘ll go get you some water and wet towels. I‘ll be back in no time, I promise.“ As Niall passed their bed again, he placed a gentle, yet too shortly lived kiss on Harry forehead. The touch was healing in some way. His pain, at least on that particular spot, had vanished. 

Harry’s vision was still dizzy, however the world around him lost its dull sound to it. Niall was busy in the bathroom, fetching a cup of water and soaking some towels. He noticed him re-entering the room as light from the hallway sneaked in. 

„N-Niall?“ Harry mumbled. He closed his eyes again. It had been incredibly exhausting to keep them open for long. It was embarrassing really. He felt ridiculous.

„I am here, H.“ Niall disclosed while shutting the window again, which had been a good thing, because the pearls of hot sweat on Harry’s skin started to turn into crystals of ice. That was how Harry felt, at least. His condition switched between burning and freezing to death. 

Niall must have seen how poorly Harry was shaking from the cold, since only seconds later a thin blanket, taken from their closet, covered him. „Can you drink something for me, Haz?“ Niall said. 

He nodded absently. Harry knew that he had to. The plastic cup, filled with lukewarm water, landed on the nightstand table, after Niall helped Harry to lift his head and take some sips. Before putting him back onto the pillow, he tucked a loose stray of hair behind Harry’s ear, watching him. Then one of the towels got placed on his forehead. It would help to get the blood flow to Harry’s brain back to normal. „You are glowing. You are worrying me. Do you feel better yet?“ Niall frowned. His knuckles brushed over Harry’s cheeks, feeling like strikes of lightning. 

Harry shook his head. „No.“ His head still felt too heavy, while his mind was floating, losing grip to reality again and again. „I‘ll take your blood pressure now. If it’s too low I am going to call an ambulance.“

„No! Please-“ Harry croaked. He could not go into an hospital again. He just couldn’t, no! Not after what he had been told in Austria. Not after what he had to go through in Vienna. Alone. Because…because he was scared that the worst was yet to come…was waiting for him there. „No…no ambulance.“ He faced Niall, standing next to him. 

„Harry, it’s going to be fine. But we need to check this. Can’t have you be out and about with a potential stroke, can I?“ Niall tried to chuckle his concern away. He tried to convince Harry...and himself that this was something minor. He left the room again. He came back in with a sphygmomanometer, they kept in the bathroom. He unpacked it, slid the loop up Harry’s arm and pressed start. The loop began to tighten around his biceps, while the device did its job. „60 to 125. ’Is alright, I suppose. Not perfect, but alright.“ Niall stated, tucking the device away. He sat down on the bed, sighing. Harry saw Niall sitting next to him, looking down to him with confusion in his eyes. His hair was all ruffled. He bit his lips, hiding his frown, and stretched his legs out, embracing Harry in a sideways hug carefully. His right hand moved up and down his shoulder. „We’ll leave it at that for now, okay? Keep you in bed, get some more water and nutritions into you and go from there.“ He squeezed Harry gently, after kissing his head. „But I swear to god, if ya can’t keep your food down or faint on me again, I am calling the ambulance, ya’want or not.“ The last bit sounded muffled. Niall was burying is face in Harry’s curls. Niall didn't let go of him. Harry didn’t either.

„Keep on doing that…kissing me and I’ll be fine in no time.“ Harry said while smiling, giving into the touch of his boyfriend. „You wish, Haz. I am worried about you. What-” Niall lifted his head to speak clearly again. „What is…has been going on with you?“

Niall seemed so confused, because he had no idea what was happening. Harry kept himself together for too long, he was crumbling now. Niall was still sitting there, staring at him with worry in his eyes. Harry took his hand and squeezed it. 

„Niall-“ His voice was a shit show of what it had once been. „I am sorry I am putting you through this.“ Niall blinked, before shaking his head. „Stop saying that. I love you. I would do anything for you, Harry. But-“ He tore his gaze away. „I don’t now how I am supposed to look out for you, care for you if you don’t let me see inside. I can’t do anything, if I don’t know what the hell is even going on.“ 

„Okay.“ Harry said, feeling more grounded. More like himself. The dizziness began to disappear slowly. 

„Really?“ Niall asked in a whisper. „Is it really? Is it really _okay?_ You promised me, H. Today. To be honest with me.“

„I have no point hiding it further.“ Harry closed his eyes. His tongue felt so heavy. It didn’t want to move. He didn’t want to say it. Swallow it and wither. „What you've overheard...with Louis. He…“ Fuck! „He is right-“ He pressed his lips together. As Harry felt Niall wipe away a lone tear on his face, he trembled. „I am unwell. Kinda really unwell. I...I have cancer, Ni.“

„W-what?“ Niall’s body drifted away from him only the slightest bit. „You…I-”

„Yes, I have fucking cancer and it’s bad. Ni, I am so scared. I don’t wanna die.“ Harry said emotionlessly. He had feared that day…today, yes. He feared his last day more. However he'd done it, he said it. 

There was no relief, no, there only was fear. 

In contrary to what Harry believed, Niall didn’t get furious, didn’t cry and didn’t scream. He didn’t say anything at all. Which had been even more unsettling. It was like…it reminded him of his coming out to his family. The anticipation mixed with nervousness, awaiting their words. Waiting had been the very worst. _The-not-knowing_ how they would react, until they had. 

Niall let go of his hand and for a brief moment Harry thought he was going to leave, because he was standing up from their bed. Niall walked around, getting another blanket to cover them with and cuddled in even closer. Laying sideways, he put his head atop Harry’s chest. Niall's hand hugged Harry’s waist, while he placed silent kisses on Harry's shirt. 

One. Two. Three. Four. 

„Here is what we gonna do, Harry-“ Niall said. Five. „We both are gonna catch our breath and when you are ready...start explaining everything.“

Where was Harry to start though?

„Do you remember Austria last year?“ Harry asked.

„Yes.“ Niall whispered.

„I found out I had...I got diagnosed with cancer there. In Vienna.“

**2014**

Harry got woken up by soft lips kissing his jaw. As he slowly rose to consciousness he was able to take in Niall’s familiar smell and his light amount of stubble, scratching Harry’s face. He felt Niall shifting their bodies, so he was positioned on top of him. 

„Good morning, handsome.“ Niall smiled, showing his teeth. Perfectly straight and white. 

„You awake, already?“ Harry grinned back at him. He had still been half asleep. Back in safety.

„Already?“ Niall laughed, moving his hands through Harry’s hair. „It’s eleven am, babe.“

„Is it?“ Harry didn‘t feel like he had almost ten hours of sleep. Not like that _at all_. Had they really slept that long? When did they even go to bed? Harry didn’t remember. Convinced himself not to remember.

„Yes. Should get up, don’t ya think?“ Niall said. It sounded more like a rhetoric question, since Niall didn’t show any sings of getting up. He even snuggled his head against Harry’s chest, in a relaxed and content manner. 

„Don’t wanna, love. This is just way to nice.“ Harry said, placing a kiss on Niall's head. He meant it. Having Niall there with him...it was just...indescribable. Waking up with him...to him. To a broadly smiling face, sleep in his eyes, hair ruffled...it was the best. Today, this morning, there had been something else too. Beneath all of this pure joy, something vicious hid. Foggy on his mind, clouding it. It was dark and ominous. It had been fear. It was dangerous.

Flashes came to Harry’s mind with lighting speed of yesterday night. The condom, the toilet, the bathroom, the blood. Immediately Harry tried his best to refocus, to shove it away. He shifted his eyes to Niall, after opening them, after fleeing from the cruel world inside his mind to a warmer reality. Hopefully Niall’s eyes and smile would offer something better than the brutality of despair and confusion.

„I don’t want either, Haz.“ Niall chuckled. „But there‘s stuff we have to do.“ A sigh escaped Niall. „Even today. On the upside though…we made the best of our anniversary night, huh?“ 

„You know my hopeless romantic tendencies, Ni. I could have done so much more. Wanted to, at least.“ shrugged Harry. Both had been aware for months that they wouldn’t be able to spend their anniversary the way they wanted. If they liked it or not. It wasn’t in their hands to decide anyways. What days they could have off was surmised _for_ them. Not even with them. Harry hated that, but they would have to deal with it, right? One of the downsides of being a world famous superstar. Still, it was hard to come to terms with in moments like this, when Niall just looked that cute. 

„The day can wait a few more minutes, can’t it?“ Harry kissed his head. He was still in a state of delusion. Sleep had not left his body entirely. His mind was slow, not switched on. The horror of yesterday‘s developments got still drowned by sleep. And there had been no pain, reminding him of dire reality. Harry didn’t dare to move. What if only one motion could make it real again? What if he stayed that way forever, pretending that nothing had happened? Perhaps nothing did happen? He‘d never know if he _just_ didn’t move. 

„If you insist. Seems as though I am not allowed to leave this bewitching couch. Poor me, indeed.“ Niall gazed up to him boldly. His chin pressed into Harry’s chest. Niall’s fingers played with his biceps. Grounding stimuli. „So what do you suggest we do with our time, Mister Styles?“ Deliberately Niall started to grind his hips against Harry’s dick. „We could recreate the hot mess from tonight? I‘m still sore from your big cock. Want you to fill me up again though.“ Niall groaned. Harry could feel Niall’s swelling penis against his. He was still butt naked. He didn’t seem to care or notice that Harry was, all of a sudden, wearing underpants. He kept pushing his hips down. Instead of pleasure that should race through his insides, he felt a sting. It was a literal sting at the head of his dick. Like someone stabbed his penis right in the slip. The ache waved up his pelvis and up to his skull. He shut his eyes in irritation, trying to shut out the discomfort. He could feel his face wrinkle. His muscles stiffened, making his body hard. Niall instantly froze in his movements.

„Did I hurt ya? Don’t you wanna?“ Niall frowned at Harry. Normally...Harry had always been the last one to deny Niall his wishes. „No. ’Is good.“ Harry deflected, which had caused Niall to stop completely. „Really? You sure? Kinda nothing’s happening there.“ He pointed down to Harry’s abdomen with his eyes. Niall grabbed Harry at his crotch, flat and lump against his body. It resulted in only more pain. 

„No, I know.“ Harry said uncomfortably. What could he say? „’Is just...my foot‘s numb. It tickles quite a bit.“ 

„Harry!“ Niall laughed. „Just could’ve said something, Jeez. When did that ever stop us though?“ He nipped at Harry’s bottom lip.  „It _does_ hurt really bad.“ He rolled Niall off from him, smiling apologetically. „Unfortunate, that. Looks like we have to get up after all.“ shrugged Niall innocently, grinning at him.

„Noo.“ Harry whined. He really didn’t want to. He urged to pretend some more. To keep this illusion alive for only a brief, few moments.

„Well, what am I to do, with you not functioning properly?“ Niall stood up in all his naked glory. His lines were so divine. The way his broad shoulders concluded perfectly into his delicate waist. His chest, decorated with dark hair, paving the way for muscular legs. Harry was sure that sculptors in ancient times must have been seeing Niall while manufacturing statues of their holy gods, because, in Harry’s eyes, they all added up just to Niall. Even as beautiful and masterful they had been. He stripped Harry from the blanket, previously used to keep them snuggled close. He covered himself, sliding it around his neck. It caused Harry to whine again. „My pretty view.“

„What’s it do, when the best part of you isn’t working?“ Niall smirked. Harry intended to kiss his devilish smile away, yet as he foolishly tried to stand up, his body refused to cooperate. He really needed painkillers…now! Especially for his head. The pain seemed to have completely conquered his system. Only a slight turn upright had been enough to make it explode. 

„Are you sure you are okay, baby?“ Niall asked. He examined him while knitting the blanket around his waist. „Yeah, I am fine, love. Don’t worry. I‘ve got a headache, is all. Probably from sleeping on the couch.“

„Damn, shit. Is it bad?“ 

No clear answer to that. No, there certainly wasn’t, even more so a right one. „Kinda, yes. Fuck.“

„I didn’t keep you awake for too long, did I?“ questioned Niall. He was shuffling through their pile of clothes.

„Of course not. Dunno, just slept poorly, I guess.“

„Well, then next time, Styles, you gotta take me to a proper bed, instead of a sofa.“ Niall leaned down to kiss him, after he had found what he had been looking for. „Want me to get you something?“ 

Frankly...yes! Harry was dying to lessen the pain in his head and his lower back and his pelvis and his crotch. What the fuck was going on? „That‘d be lovely.“ 

„Alright, be right back, babe.“ Niall hushed against Harry’s lips. He withdrew and switched his smartphone on for the first time. Several notifications sonically showed their relentless importance. They did have a meeting later today, but that was in like...7 hours. Enough to make the best out of their special day. Harry hated their management for choosing _this_ date. They knew...they fucking knew that it was their anniversary. It almost seemed to Harry that they tried everything in their power to sabotage Niall’s and his relationship. They even decided on pushing Larry and Larry rumors again without any proper explanation. They got nothing, but the lame excuse of an excellent marketing strategy. _It would draw unprecedented attention to the band like never before_ , they said. It had been one of the very few occasions where Niall started to publicly cry. He not only started crying during the meeting, because management advertised Larry, a lie, instead of their actual relationship. But also on stage, when fans held up shields, encouraging Larry to go public. During pre-recorded interviews, when the questions, assumptions, rumors about Larry never stopped coming. It had been one of the toughest times for Niall ever since One Direction had started. Niall told Harry he feared that _they_ would try to take Harry away from him. He had been so angry. They didn’t even really bother to hide their true intentions: money, sales, media presence and buzz. Assholes. 

Niall came back with a glass of water as well as some painkillers in one hand and his smartphone in his other. His gaze was firmly locked onto the screen. Apparently Niall didn’t like what he had been reading. He looked rather upset. 

„Here.“ Niall said and waited for Harry to take first the medicine and then the glass of water to flush the pills down with. He popped them out into his hand, threw his head back and took one long sip of water. Soon, they would help with the pain. Niall sat down on the sofa again, busy reading messages on his phone. They looked like business emails from afar. Niall started to bite on his nails. 

„Do we...is there a problem, Ni? You act off.“ As Niall only scoffed, switching to the next email, Harry exhaled deeply, while trying to sit up. At least a bit. „What do they want now?“ Harry knew it was their management. He just _knew_. He also searched for his phone, somewhere on the floor, blindly. 

„They want us to come in.“

There it was! His smartphone, metal cold in hishands. „What?!? Now?“

„No.“ Niall stated, throwing his phone onto the table. „Two fucking hours ago.“

„But that would add up to, what’s it, a 11 hour long meeting? Originally it had been scheduled from six to eight pm. That would mean-“ Now Harry feared to worst. Today’s meeting would have only been a standard one. To catch up. To give new instructions and stuff like that. But with all that had been going on with the five of them...with Zayn-

„Yes, that probably means that Zayn must have left fucking earlier.“

They got ready in a hurry. Getting up, getting dressed and getting angry. That was how Harry had spent his morning…in no particular order. Harry got to the bathroom first. Both to check he hadn’t left any traces behind. Neatly he searched the entire room for blood drops or wasted tissues he had used. Apparently he had been quite precise tonight. Nothing was to be found. He had to imagine things now, right? It must have been the stress. With the band, with Zayn, their last album underway and writing another one. He didn’t see straight? That had to be it. 

He brushed his teeth, put his wild hair up in a loose bun to contain it and refused to go to the toilet. He even refused to change his underpants. He was too scared of what he might find there, if he looked. He had been too scared that another rush of jolting pain might destroy his carefully put together, yet illusion of fragile hope. No conformation of the bad was confirmation enough of the good for him. Schrödinger‘s cat, right? If one doesn't look, the cat in the box might be both. Either alive or dead already. One would never know unless they checked. 

„Harry?“ Niall knocked on the door. „You finished?“ 

„Yes. One sec, love.“ Harry quickly applied some deodorant, glanced once more at himself in the mirror and...and put on a happy face. The necklace helped with that. Its silver shine in the artificial light of the bathroom gave him hope...reminded him of a promise. Niall and him...they would stick together. Forever.

„Jeez, Harry! I really have to take a piss, Lord!“ Niall voiced. Harry turned the lock on the door and was greeted by Niall, jumping from one foot to another. „Thank fuck!“ Niall quickly pecked Harry’s lips, before shutting the door. „You just could have taken another toilet, Ni.“ Harry laughed.

„Shut up. I know!“ Niall snickered back, sounding relived. Harry got dressed. Black skinny jeans and a random red hoodie. A plain outfit really. But he certainly didn’t feel like dressing up. He just urged to lie down again as soon as humanly possible. He went back to the bathroom, knocking on the door. „Huh?“ came from the inside. Harry stepped in. „Are you ready to go, Ni?“ Niall was half dressed. Slim denim trousers graced his legs and ass. „Quite.“ He was about to have a shave. „Gotta shave quickly first. Can’t have them see me like this.“ No. Why? He looked so good with that five o‘clock shadow. 

„Don’t.“ Harry expressed. He gently took the razor from Niall, grinning at him. „You look good like this. So hot.“

„Do I?“ Niall smirked. Harry held up his favourite sweater for Niall, he had brought from the bedroom with him. „Yes.“ He offered it to Niall who took it with a coy smile. „You haven‘t got any idea how many fantasies I have of you with a proper beard.“ He caught Niall’s earlobe between his lips. Tenderly...in a way even shyly. „Me too, Styles, me too.“ Niall teased, patting Harry’s soft cheeks. „Can’t wait for the day I can say the same about you, babe.“ 

„Well…if you weren't that picky, Horan, you could have me with an amazing French mustache.“ Harry argued. 

„No.“ Niall said shortly. „No mustaches in this house.“ Niall pulled the sweater over his head and left the room. He didn’t shave.

They left the flat soon after. Trying not to get held up more. They were running late already. Funny though that the one day Harry wanted to sleep in, had his anniversary with Niall and had the best as well as the worst night, a fucking business meeting would come along. Classified as _extremely urgent_. They headed down to their car, getting in silently. The traffic was unsurprisingly crowded as hell. London, at this time of the day, no words needed. Lucky for them the office building was not that far away, they had gotten there 40 minutes later. 

„Ready?“ asked Niall while he unbuckled his seatbelt. „No.“ Harry exhaled, throwing his head back. The headache showed no sings of retreating. Niall leaned over the shifting gear, before cupping Harry’s face. „We gonna get through this. We‘ve been through worse, ey?“ He kissed him. „We gonna get through anything, together.“

It made Harry smile. He briefly forgot about how fucked up everything seemed to be right now. „Your hair looks good today. I love it like that.“ Niall said, petting Harry’s neck. His eyes shifted to Harry’s messy bun. Curls falling out sloppily.

„’Is nothing.“ Harry deflected. „It’s a mess, Ni.“

„Well, what can I say-“ Niall smirked. He was so confident when was alone with Harry. „I do like messy.“ His hand snapped back and he opened the door. Harry remained. He took a deep breath, before he followed Niall inside the building. They hurried over to the elevators, got in and pressed the right button to their destination. Once the lift doors had shut, Niall took Harry’s hand in his. Both of them had sweaty hands. Although they acted cool, Harry was aware that something crazy was awaiting them. Mind-blowing in the worst kind of way. However feeling Niall’s skin on his in such innocent manner, made him happy. Niall had always been quite hesitant, when it came to show affection publicly. Or, well...semi-publicly? To show affection outside their home. And Niall now doing this, something he so unusually did, meant the world to him, because Harry would have shown Niall off years ago, if he had been allowed to. He would to it right now, on their way here or on their way back, but... _legal restrictions_ , they said. _The best for the band_. That was what their management had been preaching them ever since they had recognized that Harry’s and Niall’s relationship was serious.

The doors moved aside and Niall lead them out into the hallway. They were greeted by Louis and Liam who were agitatedly discussing things further down from the office. They had been here longer than them after all. Harry wondered what Niall and him had already missed. Both of them smoked and had deep wrinkles of annoyance on their faces as they saw Niall and Harry. Liam dragged on his cigarette, before tossing it onto the tiled floor. Harry cringed at him. First…Liam smoking had never been a good sign. And second…Fuck Liam for giving a shit about fire protection in a closed building.

„You smoking? Inside?“ Niall asked as they came to a halt next to the pair. He studied them. 

„Better you don’t ask.“ Louis answered for Liam. „Fucking shit show going on inside there. Must‘ve been smoking crack or somethin‘. They completely’ve lost their minds now.“

„What happened?“ Niall asked. Harry stood back and watched. He was not in the mood for talking. There was too much on his mind. Maybe he should just get it checked out by his doctor? He could also wait. See if it was to happen again and then decide what he would do? Go from there?

„What ya think?“ Louis retorted. His cigarette landed on the ground as well, stepping on it. 

„They want us to continue like fucking nothing has happened.“ Liam sneered, shaking his head. Whereas Louis looked intimidatingly angry, Liam appeared sad...broken. 

„ _Damage control_ , they say.“ Louis laughed dryly. „No wonder Zayn‘s left. They’na tying to fucking mess with our sanity! What’s left of that anyways.“ He pulled out another fag.

„Lads!“ Niall interrupted. „What exactly is going on? Zayn left. Alright. What are they proposing to do?“

„Should ask them yourself. If we tell you guys, you won’t believe us.“ Liam said. Shortly after, a door a few feet away up the hallway opened. A young lady stepped out, smiling. 

„Oh, Mr. Styles, Mr. Horan, I thought I heard you. Mr. Tomlinson and Mr. Payne were just about to finish their break. Would you like to come in?“ She didn’t leave any room for discussion. 

„Sure.“ Louis muttered. „As if we had a choice.“ 

Liam entered first, Louis trotted next to them. Their fingers were still firmly linked. The three of them made their way to the office slowly. Louis shot Harry a knowing glare. He poked his bun. „Messy, that.“ accused Louis amusedly. „Been busy last night, the two of you?“ It wasn’t really a question, but a statement. Louis carelessly dropped off what had been left from his cigarette. 

„I like it that way.“ Niall retorted, squeezing Harry’s hand. „Mind you, last night had been nothing, but innocent cuddles. Unless you really want to know about mine and Harry’s wild sex life. Right, H?“

It took some time for Harry to actually react. He was being spoken to? He had been too deep into his own thoughts. He cleared his throat. „Huh?“

„See here, little Harold is blushing.“ Louis teased. He obviously was trying to lift the mood. In a way he seemed to distract them. Yet, his voice had not been void of sorrow. „The walls must have been shaking yesterday night. Going at it like rabbits, if Harry’s expression is to mean anything.“

Harry shook his head. He forced himself back to reality. What would he do if...when Niall was go get horny eventually? Would he want to risk it? A repeat of yesterday’s events? How long would he be able to hide it from Niall? Should he tell him? But there was already so much going on? 

„Fuck off.“ Harry said halfheartedly. His eyes had focused the entry by now. 

„Who‘s there?“ Niall changed the topic, since he probably had seen how uncomfortable Harry was throughout this conversation.

„Some execs, marketing and advertisement.“ Louis stopped by halting them at their linked hands. He carefully looked at them. „And law department.“

„Really?“ Harry inquired. „What are they doing here? What do they need the law department for?“

Louis just shook his head, before resuming their walk. They had almost reached to office. „How about you find out about it yourself. Like Payno and I had to.“ 

As Louis opened the door, Niall didn’t let go of Harry. They stepped inside together, as one. They were greeted by Liam who was sitting on the left side of a massive table in the center of the room. Bright daylight stormed through the windows, no curtains. It had been uncomfortably warm inside the office. The lady from before was sitting at the head of the table. She was most likely representing one of their executives. The two men next to her were totally unfamiliar to Harry. The atmosphere was sterile...No, it had been toxic. 

„Very well, gentlemen, let’s continue. You may sit down.“ One man said. Niall took a seat across from Liam and Harry aimed for the chair next to his boyfriend. He was about to sit down as the lady stopped him. „Mr. Styles. Over here.“ She pointed at a chair on Liam‘s side of the table. „Mr. Tomlinson, Mr. Horan would very much like you to sit next to him.“ Louis glared at her. Before passing Harry, also on his way to his assigned seat, he apologized quietly. Why was their team separating Niall and him?

„Marvelous. We want to avoid every possible distraction for you.“ She took a sip from her water in front of her. „Let’s get back to business. For those of you who don’t know me, my name is Miss Andrea Lane and I am representing executive will in this case.“ The men also mumbled their names, but they seemed to be of little importance. _Miss Andrea Lane_ was undoubtedly in charge here. 

„Great. Now the dreadful necessities of introduction are done and over with, I would like to start with a question for both Mr. Styles and Mr. Horan.“ She scribbled something on a paper. „Is there any particular reason for your four hour long delay? There are important matters to discuss, regarding your future careers as well as the band as such. The industry never sleeps. What do you know? What do you know? Just like this your success is gone.“ She snapped with her fingers to highlight her statement. „What’s our motto?“ 

„Always be the first.“ Liam said distantly. 

„Exactly!“ she glanced up to the both of them as neither answered. What was there to say? The appointment had been scheduled at six pm, not nine am. As far as they had been informed, there had been no need for them to be available. 

„I am waiting.“ Ms. Lane repeated.

„Well...“ Niall began to explain. „There as been an issue of miscommunication, I s‘pose.“

„Issues of miscommunication or issues of you not checking your phones. There is a legitimate difference. Your excuse is lacking, Mr. Horan.“ Ms. Lane brushed Niall of nonchalantly. How dare she? „But let‘s not get too fed up with such trivialities. At least you’re here now.“ She made a dismissive hand gesture and opened some files in front of her. „Me and my colleagues have already briefed Mr. Payne and Mr. Tomlinson. Unfortunately the news I will present to you are...anything but mirthful. I am sure your friends have told you something?“

„Bits, yes.“ Niall answered. He exchanged nervous looks with Harry. Suddenly everything their life had once consisted of seemed in danger. Vulnerable to the threat of unwanted change. 

She nodded. „I‘ll make it short then. Zayn Malik is no longer an official member of OneDirection. His contract has been dissolved a week ago. The reason you are here today is to speak through certain possibilities where to go from here and what the best for the success of your band is. Moreover damage control will have to be done on all fronts. Not only will the bands reputation have suffered tremendously from this, once the news will break, but also the management‘s. We will discuss further steps in that matter as well. Any questions?“ 

So that was it. Something long coming. The shadow behind their backs had finally become real. Darkness. 

„No? Great.“ Ms. Lane cheered. „Mr. Anderson here has explained all of that perfectly priorly. We will send you an email with all the necessary information. Should there be any inquiries, contact us and we will do our best to clear them for you. Now that the recap of our meeting is done, we can move on. Damage control.“ She sighed. 

„I will give you the same rough overview as I’ve done before with your band mates. Then we will get into the lousy details.“ Mr. Anderson informed them. He was from the marketing and advertising department. „We have one advantage and we must use it under all circumstances, if we are to gain something from this disaster. Luckily for us, Zayn‘s discomfort has long been known to us, therefore we have been preparing for the worst. Just in case, of course.“

„I still can’t believe that you didn’t even try to change anything about his situation! You knew!“ Liam argued, tapping his fingers on the table. „We wouldn’t sit here, if you had done your job properly and made it easier for him.“

„Mr. Payne.“ Ms. Lane spoke again. „It had been Mr. Malik’s own personal decision to leave the band. Who are _we_ to judge that? We are all professionals in this room. Do please act accordingly.“ She smiled at him, after signaling her colleague to continue.

„Our emergency plan, so to say, has long been put into place. We know what to do in such case.“ Harry wondered if they had such emergency plans for each member or if this had all been just utter bluff.

„My department has done nothing throughout the last week other than to contact medias, shows and to book appearances all over the world. As we do not have a new album to support, we will make a brief press tour solemnly about your struggles and how you cope with the dramatic departure of a beloved band member. The tabloids will _dig_ it. They always do as soon as drama‘s involved.“ They were making it sound like Zayn had died or something. On the other hand…for some, sadly, he almost certainly had.

Louis cleared his throat. „I‘ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t you think this is fucking shallow?! It‘ll look desperate…like we are trying too hard to keep everything under control, when obviously we have nothing under control at all.“

„Well, that is exactly what you are going to be doing.“ Ms. Lane shrugged. „Furthermore your fans miss you. New footage will do wonders. A proper reason isn’t always needed in order to make an impact...if done right.“ Her eyes examined them. „But none of you have ever given us any reason not to have trusted faith in you and your capabilities, unlike _others_.“

This was fucking wild. They sent them away on a press tour just to cry for the cameras. To make profit of their sadness. They wouldn’t even allow them to deal with this whole Zayn situation on their own. No break, no time to process, no nothing. Sure, all of them knew that Zayn saying goodbye had only been a question of time, but hell...it was fucking hard to say goodbye for them too.

„So...so what do you suggest now?“ Harry asked. He faced Ms. Lane. However Mr. Anderson was answering in her place. „You will be split into two groups. One will go from London to Edinburgh. Then from Dublin to North America. The second one will head to Germany, then Austria as well as Southern Europe. We will handle Oceania with radio interviews, where no presence is required. This will all be done within three weeks. Four max.“

„Precisely.“ Ms. Lane moved on. „Mr. Payne And Mr. Horan, you will fly to Edinburgh, make a show or two there for the UK area. Ireland’s next and then you will go to New York. Don’t worry, you will remain on the east coast for the entirety of your trip.“ She explained. Why did they split them up this way? Couldn’t he go with Niall? Or maybe some distance would be good for Harry, until he figured himself out again? Traveling with his boyfriend would be quite the silver lining in this whole fuck up though.

„Mr. Tomlinson, you and Mr. Styles will be in Berlin first, then Vienna, Rome, Madrid and finally Paris. Additional information will also be sent to your respective email accounts. Your planes are scheduled for Monday, which is in two days.“

She then faced Niall and Liam. „Your flight is due tomorrow evening. Yes, we are aware that all of this most likely comes as a shock and with short notice to you, but do believe us, we are trying to keep OneDirection as successful with only four members as with five. The flights have already been booked by your assistants. A car will pick you up at your according to time. Do you have-“ 

„Yes.“ Niall interjected harshly. Harry chanced a look at Niall. He was fuming. If Harry had been in a better condition, he would be fuming too. He _would_ be angry at them. Furious at how their management handled this. Sending them around the world like some sort of prize...like a pity to be looked and cooed at. Yes, like hell, he was sad, angry, insecure. But did he want to display all of this? No. He wanted to cope with this new developments on his own. With Niall...in their flat...in private. With his family and maybe even his closest friends. He didn’t want to be sold to the public’s interest again and again, just for someone else making a shit ton of money out of this. Harry knew their fans, they would have stuck with them regardlessly.

„Why am I being separated from my boyfriend?“ He was straightforward. Their relationship had never been something their management was fond of. Right from the get-go, when Niall and him couldn’t hide their relationship from their team anymore, they had made it pretty clear...there would not be an outing in any form. They could be together, of course. That was out of their management’s power, but…Harry and Niall were neither to be seen being cozy with each other nor out on a date nor holding hands nor kissing nor being too affectionate onstage. Nothing…nothing at all. 

Harry understood though, to some extent at least. He wasn’t an executive. He knew how the industry worked, yes. Had he all the insight? No. And their management, even if questionable on occasions, they had done their job. Keeping them in the spotlight. Making them live their dreams. How they accomplished that didn’t really matter to them. 

„Nothing against ya, Liam, but if I am to travel to fucking America in a few days, I’d like to go with me boyfriend.“

„Unfortunately, the flights have already been booked with your names. The seats are reserved on your name too.“ Mr. Anderson said with no emotion. The topic was over for him.

„What a coincidence, innit? How come you never let me and Payno travel together.“ Louis articulated, twirling his lighter on the table absently. „Give’em some fockin‘ space. They‘re are a couple after all. It’s bad with El and me, but we can at least go out on a date if we want.“

„’Is cruel, really. I can take Soph with me. They could be at each other’s side too. Why won’t you let them be happy? They need each other, you know, because-“ Liam smiled briefly at them. „Because they love each other. I bet we can still change the tickets?“ 

Ms. Lane emptied her glass of water. She took her time and with every gulp she took, Harry could feel his anger increase. „I admire your motivation to help, Mr. Payne. However, I will have repeat myself, the tickets are bought and booked, firstly. Second of all, the two of them going together would spark unnecessary rumors. And we certainly have already enough drama. A _Narry-Gate_ would clearly surpass our capacities. They have been too comfortable as it is recently.“ There was so much venom in her words. Would Niall and him be ever free? Would Harry life to see it? What if it was something serious? But why? He ate healthy food, did his workouts and cared for his body. Something serious was surly unlikely, wasn’t it?

„Then you are sending him with me?!?“ Louis bawled hysterically. „Do you even know what you are saying? You don’t want a…I bloody quote… _Narry-Gate_? Ever heard of Larry, Ms Andrea?“ Louis had a point. Liam leaned back to Harry and whispered. „Do you now know what we meant earlier? This is proper crazy.“ Harry hummed in agreement. It was.

„Well...“ Ms Lane took her glasses off, before cleaning it on her shirt. „How honest do you want me to be, Mr. Tomlinson?“

Instead of Louis, Niall answered. „Please, do us a favor, Ms. Lane and stop these games. Why can’t I go with Harry?“

„Because Larry is…has always been more popular than yours and Harry’s relationship will ever be. Could ever aspire to be. Enough of an answer?“

And...that hurt. So bloody much. Niall was everything to Harry. Hearing that...seeing Niall, his mouth opening to say something, but then retreating, made him cry. Internally at least. He wouldn’t give them the satisfaction of actually crying. Neither would Niall.

„Fuck.“ Liam whispered, shaking his head. „So you are actually valuing _our_ friendships, but more importantly, their love at how much fucking money it will make?!?“

„We need all of the positive media buzz we can get.“ The third man spoke up for the fist time since their conversation had started. „Before any questions arise. Yes, we can and we will.“

„This is crazy.“ Harry voiced. „Our life turned just upside down and all Niall and I are asking is to spend some time together. You want us to stay sane…profitable? Then don’t fucking keep me from my sanity!“ Harry could feel Niall’s eyes on him. He shivered under his gaze. It had always made him shiver. 

„We are merely doing what is best for the band. Best for OneDirection.“ Ms. Lane smiled at them. She would not be persuaded. Louis smoked another cigarette and Liam looked quite speechless. In some twisted way, she hadn’t been wrong. Their management had gotten them far...but at what cost?

„And when will you start doing what‘s best for _us_?“ Niall asked, pointing at the four of them. „What’s best for us individually and not as a band.“

Ms. Lane just stood up knowingly. She collected her stuff and tucked her pencil behind her ear. Something untypical for someone in her position. „You may excuse me. I have to make a call. I shall come back to this meeting shortly.“ She passed the table, as Harry snapped. „Won’t you at least give him an answer?!?“ 

She turned around at the doorframe. „The music industry is a cruel, unforgiving sea to navigate in. To survive, one has to be the smartest. So we will start doing what is best for you, Mr. Horan, when you lot stop being profitable to us as a company.“ And without another word said, she exited. None of them knew what to say. Minutes passed where his friends and Harry were just shocked by what Ms. Lane had just said. Harry was more shocked about the fact the she had been right. To succeed in the industry one had to be cold. Put personal needs behind professional. Only those who were capable at handling this in the long run would remain at the top. Harry had no idea whether he was one of them.

Mr. Anderson was about to announce something, as Niall jolted out of his seat. „I can’t breath anymore.“ He had gotten so pale. His face was covered in pearls of sweat. „Send us the fucking details.“ He stumbled over to Harry. „Come, H. I have a flight to catch.“ Harry was more than willing to get out of here. Then they left too. 

Everything else after that went by in a beclouded manner. They got home, parked their car, headed to the lift, entered their flat, dragged off their shoes, pulled off their coats and then...then they just stood there, in the hallway. Niall at least. Harry was about to take a piss, because candidly he just couldn’t hold it anymore. He just wouldn’t look. But then he saw Niall, shoulders lump, cheeks red in front of the mirror. Harry walked back up to him. He could see how hurt Niall had gotten by their superiors words. It was a lot to digest. It made Harry realize how exchangeable they all were as a band. The threat of a better, more efficient, more sophisticated money machine was just around every corner. They had to be on top of their game constantly or they would be dropped, replaced by someone, willing to take their spot. Someone who would make more money for the label, putting OneDirection onto the sidelines. He placed his head on Niall’s shoulder, hugging his waist. Harry’s bun was even messier than this morning. 

„What are you thinking about?“ Harry whispered against Niall’s ear while nuzzling against his cheek. He looked at Niall through the mirror.

„What‘d you think?“ Niall hushed. He crossed his arms, rubbing his elbows. He tore his eyes away from Harry’s gaze. „Fuck them.“ Harry said. „They are not worth our sadness. They don’t value it. We are just means for their purpose. They don’t deserve our tears, Ni.“ To underline his point, Harry kissed Niall behind his ear shell. 

„Isn’t that exactly the problem?“ Niall asked, not lifting his face from the ground. Almost like he was ashamed. „How‘d you mean?“ Harry didn’t understand Niall. Sure, they had been rough on them today as well as in the past, but Niall and him had always...would always find a way. The coming three or four weeks would be over in no time. 

„Harry.“ Niall turned around, after snuggling free from Harry’s grip. Niall’s eyes met his. „On days like this...and I know, I know...fuck!“ He bit his lip in frustration. „I am aware I shouldn’t be sad, because they don’t define our relationship, but moments like today...It makes me think-“ Niall sighed, leaning his head against Harry’s chest. „Am I not enough?“ He whispered shallowly.

„What?! What are you talking about, love?“ Harry cupped his boyfriend’s face. Niall hesitated to answer. „Well, I mean...literally _anyone_ who isn't me seems to fit better, look better at your side than me. Even Louis.“ 

„Niall-“

„No, Harry. They practically told me today that I am just not pretty enough or not charming enough or not whatever…funny enough to be seen next to _the Harry Styles_. Even though it’s where I belong.“ 

„Ni-“

„It fucking hurts. That my love will never be enough to satisfy them...that I am not enough.“ Niall would have tried to walk away, if Harry hadn’t stopped him. „Niall, I‘ve been in love with you since we were sixteen. You’re all I could have ever asked for. No one adds up to you. Not Louis, not anyone. They are nothing but shadows against you, because you shine so bright.“ Harry smiled at him, his teeth showing. He was sincere. Niall was his light. „And one day we will show them, show the whole fucking world how amazing we are together.“ Harry dragged Niall back close to him. „How perfect you are at my side.“

Niall was quiet. He seemed to be so unsure. Conflicted in a way. Harry knew what about. „The band? Harry, we have absolutely no fucking clue what that‘d do to our careers. To Liam’s and Louis’. Now with Zayn. Everything’s just gotten so delicate-“

„Why are you believing _them_? It’s _us_ that has the choice and the possibility to make the best of our coming out.“ Harry’s tone was slightly accusing. When would Niall finally get that OneDirection was nothing compared to being free. „I don’t know, Harry.“ Niall deflected. He retreated, faded from Harry like a breeze one couldn't grab, even if tried, and left the hallway.

„I do.“ He said in silence.

Since they hadn’t necessarily been having a fight, Harry joined Niall in their bedroom. He helped him pack his stuff for tomorrow’s departure and, after that task‘d been finished, Niall did the same for Harry. They had dinner later, ended cuddled up on their sofa and in bed early. While Harry was busy with his own thoughts, he couldn’t believe he‘d made it through the day with hardly peeing at all. As ridiculous as it sounded. His headache had gone away, so had the pain. He imagined things, surely. Absolutely positive. Still, he couldn’t sleep for the life of him and as he heard Niall silent snivels, he big-spooned him. He hugged him close to him, telling him time and time again how much Harry loved him. Niall kept saying it back every single time, gulping his tears away, until sleep took over and Niall began breathing evenly against Harry’s chest.

Niall’s car arrived exactly on time the next day. They already had been waiting for the car in the underground parking lot. Harry couldn’t even drive his boyfriend to the airport himself. Or drive there with him. They hugged goodbye for the longest time, before Niall reluctantly got into the car and was driven out of Harry’s sight. Once Harry was up in their flat, he immediately texted Niall, just because. Normally goodbyes weren’t that dreadful. This time around though, there had just been too much going on. 

Larry, Zayn, Harry’s condition. Was is really a condition? Like a proper one? Did it really need such medical term? It was more likely just a small bug, right? A viral infection. 

They both felt the same. Neither wanted to let go. He also called his mother and sister, complaining to them about everything. Well, almost everything. They patiently listened and offered their advises. They tried to help, but there weren’t there. Not here with him. Then the call ended. The rest of the day was spent by texting Niall, playing useless games on his phone and food. A lot of crappy food. He went to bed extra early to pass some time. Naturally he had woken up quite early, but that was okay. He lay in bed until noon, showered, payed a brief visit to the toilet and ate some cold leftovers. He hadn’t necessarily been hungry. He got his bag as the notification came telling him that his car had arrived. He switched off the lights, locked to door and left. 

Louis was already in the car, once Harry’d gotten in. He greeted their driver, long after they had been on their way to London Heathrow. It had been raining that day and Harry really hoped their start would not be too bumpy or get canceled. 

„Nice necklace, mate.“ Louis nodded at the silver plane, visibly hanging around Harry’s neck. Instinctively his hand shot up to embrace it. Louis chuckled at his gesture. „Not gonna steal it from you, bro.“ 

„I know.“ Harry said assuredly. He felt the metal heating up under his tight grip. „Thanks.

„From Nialler, righ‘?“ 

„Yes. For our two years anniversary.“ Harry approved. It reminded him of how unpleasant that day had been. „Mhm.“ Louis hummed. „Did you at least have some time to well…enjoy yourselves after the meeting?“ Louis looked at him with big, blue eyes. He had some idea of what Niall and him where going through. He had been experiencing similar shit. 

„There wasn‘t really a lot to celebrate anymore. It’s been a shit day. Niall went to bed crying. So...“ Harry explained. He tucked the plane beneath his shirt as though he wanted to feel Niall against his chest. 

„Fuck, that sucks. I‘m sorry, mate.“ Louis said. He reached across the seats to squeeze Harry’s shoulder. It felt good. Being around his best friend felt good.

„It’s getting bloody crazy, Louis. He thinks he’s not enough. That he’s the worst at everything. Even singing, Lou!“ Harry exclaimed. „Because he thinks that he’s been struggling with some songs recently which is so far away from the truth. Then Larry now...Do you want to know what he said, Louis?“ He signaled Harry to continue. „He said that he doesn’t think he’s handsome enough or enough in general. Like what the fuck? He’s Niall! The most handsome man I’ve ever seen. He is literally perfect.“

„For the purpose of this conversation, I’ll pretend to have overheard that you think I am not the most beautiful person you have ever seen.“ Louis witted distantly. Harry swallowed over his chuckle. „I just don’t know anymore how to make him see how fucking great he is.“ 

Louis‘ features showed wrinkles. He was processing all the information. „And if you...“ He suggested. „If you came out. Publicly, I mean. Would that change anything?“ 

„He‘s concerned about about the bands reputation.“ He couldn’t help, but to scoff. „It‘s like he actually believes the bullshit they preach us. He is putting the band before his own health. And that makes me _sick_ , too. I see how conflicted he is, Louis. Not necessarily a good feeling, seeing your boyfriend sad and crying and…I all I can do is…literally nothing.“

His best friend scratched his chin. „It had been the same with me and El at first. But once we‘ve gone public, things changed for the better. Maybe...just give him time? Niall wants to be with you and he wants to be with you openly, too. We both know that, but-“

„Yeah, Yeah...Is what it is, right?“ Harry smiled brokenly. 

„If it’s any good-“ started Louis. „I‘d be the fist and most obnoxious Narry shipper out there, once you‘ve come out.“ There was so much hope in Louis expression, but all Harry could think was...if...if they came out.

They landed in Berlin, Germany soon after. They were taken directly to some studio. A talk show, discussing the, which had been crowned by the media as _FROZAYN - POINT ZERO_. It had mainly consisted of shallow questions about their feelings and such. Nothing spectacular, its mere purpose was to create media buzz for OneDirection and drive attention away from Zayn. Harry hated that they now were treated like they were being on a battlefield, fighting each other. The four of them against Zayn. 

Niall had also texted him from Edinburgh earlier. He said that their show in Edinburgh had been wrapped and was now being edited. Niall didn’t know what parts they would cut into the final version, because some of them apparently had not been that pleasant. Niall didn’t further elaborate on that, so Harry respected his boundaries. Moreover Niall‘s phone was already in airplane mode, since Liam and him were on their way to Dublin. 

Harry, after their talk show appearance had been finished, got taken to some hotel close to the airport. They would be gone by tomorrow morning, heading to Vienna. Right now, Harry was laying on his bed. His hair was still wet from the shower he had taken and wrapped up in a towel. He zipped through the TV program without paying any attention to what was playing in the background. He was more focused on his food in front of him and his social media. Louis would also come over later to have some beers. So neither of them would feel too depressed on their own. Suddenly his phone sent him the notification of an incoming email. It had been from management. Somewhat of a routine-like email, because every time a show that one of them had done was airing, they got informed. The email said the interview with Liam and Niall would go live in 30 minutes. Harry texted Louis.

**_Come over earlier, so we can watch together?_ **

Soon after, Louis sent a thumbs up and knocked on Harry’s door as the show was about to start. Harry had still some food to spare, hence he offered to share with his best mate. Louis gladly accepted, so they got comfortable on the bed. Beers as well as food between them and Harry’s hair still locked in a towel. Louis took the remote, changing channels just in time. „You ready?“

„Depends.“ Harry chuckled nervously. „We‘ll see.“ The show started.

**_About to watch your interview, love. Bet you‘ve been amazing xxx_ **

The text remained undelivered. Niall was probably still on the plane. 

As some man with a very thick Scottish accent began asking _actually important_ questions, Harry’s attention shifted. 

Niall looked so good, so freaking good. He wore black jeans, a white loose shirt, showing off his chest hair to just the right amount, and a dark leather jacket on top. All focus had been directed to his face. His eyes. Harry noticed that Niall had his hair cut. The top was styled into his usual quiff and the sides were short and brown in color. Shorter than usual. Harry liked it. It surprised him though, because Niall got incredibly anxious if someone other than Lou touched his hair. Maybe they made him do it. To look fresh, full of energy, unbothered by what scars Zayn had left. Even through all the make up, Harry could see the dark, black bags beneath Niall’s eyes. Where he had looked stunning at first glance, he looked tired at the second. There was one more thing however that caught Harry’s eyes. Niall still hadn’t shaved. Darker, fuller brown hair adorned his cheeks. Harry really wanted to kiss him right now, just to find out how the stubble would feel against his face.

„You are drooling, mate.“ Louis stabbed his cheek. Maybe he had? Whatever. Even if so, Niall was always a good reason to be drooling over. „I understand though. Looks proper fit, your boy. I‘d definitely fuck him if I were gay.“ Louis states nonchalantly, taking another gulp of beer. 

„Louis!“ Harry turned towards him. „We are not having this conversation… _again_.“ He really didn’t need to hear that. That one night years ago of too much alcohol and too much information had been more than enough. Harry was already traumatized. „I don’t want to know what you‘d with my boyfriend. He’s mine. You got El.“ Harry pouted playfully.

„Yeah...yeah whatever. He‘s still a bloody catch. You‘ve done well, Styles. Gotta say.“

Now Harry beamed. Something in Louis tone made him so overwhelmingly proud to call Niall his. „Yeah…Yeah, I know.“ Harry smiled fondly and then joined the discussion the host had with their bandmates.

_„That sounds rough. All of it. Seems like you‘ve been caught off guard?“ The host asked. Liam shook his head. „No, not really. We are like bro-“ He corrected himself. „We are best friends. We know when one of us feels off. We talked about it. And we understand. Of course, we wish it was different, but we respect Zayn’s personal discussions. He‘ll be forever our brother.“_

_„Is that so? Those are surprisingly nice words, considering Mr. Malik’s abandoned you for whatever reason?“ The host pressed, gazing at Liam and Niall over his old fashioned glasses._

_„He didn’t abandon us, no.“ Liam verified. „We all have got our own ways to go in life...outside the band.“ He put a reassuring hand on Niall’s shoulder, causing tiny shudders to run through Niall’s body._ Harry wondered what kind of conversations Niall had with Liam. Did they have any? 

_„And if our paths happen to part, we have to accept that. This, however, does not mean we won’t continue our own.“ Liam put on his most charming face for the cameras. „We want to reassure our fans that the four of us are far from over of going in ’OneDirection’ together.“ Some artificial applause was being cut in._

It gave Harry time to think. Were they still going strong? Stronger than before or were they falling apart? Zayn’s left. Didn’t really speak to them much. Louis had the possibility to bring Eleanor on this trip, but didn’t. He seemed drained as well. Didn’t even want to speak about her or his relationship which was unusual. Normally Louis had always been the first to brag about his amazing sex life or their fancy dinner dates they had throughout the week. His quietness had never been a good sign. Additionally Niall was so caught up in the struggle to find his place within the band. Felt insecure about Zayn’s solo parts he was to take over and sing instead of him. Niall didn't feel like he was capable to step in for Zayn. Felt like he was the weakest singer of them all. Started to believe what some haters were telling them, were gossiping about on the internet. Who he was and how he wanted to be seen. He kept asking himself the question who Niall Horan actually, really was. Within and, even though Niall hated to admit it, without the band. Liam had just lost his best friend and bandmate. And Harry...Harry was sick of seeing his boyfriend like this, while being completely powerless to change anything other than telling him how much of a better human Niall was than anyone else Harry had ever met. Furthermore he was constantly on the edge of dehydration, because he refused to drink more than necessary. The fear of what might come prevented him from living normally. 

_„That’s is certainly great news, indeed. It will make countless of young fans happy, I am sure, and keep their hearts from breaking, seeing that the band will more or less continue like before. One man short, but that is an insignificant loss compared to losing the entire band, is it not? A female’s heart is so easily broken after all.“_

_„A man‘s too, by the way.“ Liam interrupted. „We also have tons of male fans. We are all vulnerable. We all can learn and grow from letting ourselves feel, but especially show vulnerability.“_

_„Well, ’that’ kind of men, yes.“ the host joked, laughing at his own joke. It did not resonate with Liam or Niall. Liam‘s face sported a major frown now. And Niall‘s face turned to stone, even more so than before. He was being faced with yet another prejudice about gay men or male fans of their band in general._

„Who invited _him_?“ slurred Louis next to Harry, putting his beer down. „Who asked him anyways?“

„You really want me to answer that?“ Harry had his assumptions who and why this appearance got booked. „No.“ replied Louis dryly. 

_„In any way.“ the old man cleared his throat embarrassedly._ Served him right, the humiliation _. „Let’s move on to a more joyful topic. We asked your fans on various social media platforms to send us some questions for us to ask you. Are you ready to answer some fan favourite questions?“_

„Sure.“ _Niall said, after he had resurfaced from what almost seemed like a trance. Questions popped up on a huge screen behind Niall and Liam. Most of them were trivial. Day to day questions. How they were coping with everything? If they would continue writing songs without Zayn? If there would be another album and if the recent events had any impact on their personal life?_ All of them were standard questions and easily answered. Normally they even got briefed beforehand to prepare accordingly. It had been A predictable move on the side of their management, but an effective one. Creating closeness to their fans, deepening their connection. Driving them away from their competitor. Harry refused to think of Zayn as competition…but-

_„Alright, alright...lads here’s your last question. You’ve been quick. Got a tight schedule to keep, I know. We are already on overtime, aren’t we?“ The host pointed first at some clock, then at the screen. „And the last question is from Alison. Alison wants to know who of you is in a relationship and who isn’t? A standard one, basic. Easy and quick to answer.“ He cooed. „Look, a fan in love. Isn’t she adorable?“_

„Pfff... _Alison_ my arse!“ Louis said humorlessly. „ _Andrea_ more like. Such a pain in the ass, her.“ Harry grasped for his phone once more. Typing quickly. Of course he knew Niall would only get to read it, once off the plane. Was that the reason Niall didn't want to talk about the interview earlier?

**_Just seen the Alison question. Is that what you meant which had gone wrong? Now I am scared to watch more xx_ **

„ _So, boys? Do tell.“ encouraged their host. Liam started. It was easy for him. Everyone knew that he was in a relationship, happily so. He also answered for Louis in a similar way. On the screen in the back pictures of Liam with Sophia were appearing, showing them happily in love_. Louis with Eleanor followed, resulting in Louis to also type away on his phone. „Fucking staged, is what it is.“ 

Harry was inclined to agree. The pictures, the question. It was all set into place with the sole intention to make them look popular still. Sane and the same. Pretending that nothing really had changed just because one fifth of their band had said goodbye. Then photos of Harry at a restaurant with Taylor were to be seen. At first harry did not recognize the occasion. The picture was blurry, shot on a phone. After a while he remembered…It was at one of her birthday parties a few years ago. However Harry thought that it had been a private event? He went there with Niall as his date, but he was not within the pictures frame, not to be seen at all. Harry knew that Niall normally had stood right behind him, but he was cut out of the picture. Taylor was hugging him, because she had just received Niall and his present. Something the photo didn’t tell viewers. 

Harry shook Louis‘ arm. „Lou, look!“ He faced the TV again and his fingers froze in motion. „Fucking assholes! I am so sorry, H.“

_„And Mister womanizer himself Harry Styles here, seems to be getting comfortable with a certain fellow world superstar…again? Rumors of them dating have been going on for ages and fans have all the reason to believe that-“ A new photo of Harry on his way to Heathrow just yesterday was appearing. His necklace was shining bright in the evening sun. „Their romance, long thought dead, re-flamed again. The symbol of a plane always stood in close connection to the two of them, according to fans. And now we have Mr. Styles wearing that-one-of-a-kind necklace openly. Anything you can tell us? Niall, maybe?“_

And Harry would have jumped through the TV, onto the other side, if it had been in the realm of possibilities. He just wanted to save Niall. To hug him. To tell him that he didn’t need to answer this stupid question, because Harry knew how much Niall hated having to lie. He urged to comfort him, to kiss him, to tell him that Taylor had nothing on him. Because…because this was just what boyfriends do for each other, right?

„This is ridiculous.“ muttered Louis. „How’s Niall? Have you asked him?“

„Airplane mode.“ dismissed Harry. He wanted to hear every word. 

„ _Well...“ Niall blurted. He definitely did not get any heads up, regarding this particular question. Neither him or Liam. They both looked startled. „Taylor is a really good friend to Harry. A family friend, really. We..no, well the two of them have been friends nor for years. I don’t...I don’t know what else is there to say?“ Niall sent pleading looks to where their assistants were sat, questing as to how he should handle this mess. „So they are not dating? Are not in a relationship?“ The host asked persistently. „Never have? They’d make such a handsome couple, don’t you think?“_

_ „Well, they are good looking, I guess. And, no. Not that I know of. They have never been in a romantic relationship.“ said Niall. He looked even sadder now. It probably made him feel even more self-conscious. Less worthy of being with the womanizer Harry Styles.  _

_ „Huh, interesting. That‘ll break many shipper’s hearts, but-.“ Now Louis and him were seen on the screen. „It might make others happy. Harry getting cozy with Mr. Tomlinson who seems rather uninterested if you asked me. After all he does have a girlfriend. Are there any man crushes within the band? New bonds forming after Zayn’s gone?“ _

_Niall glanced to their management again. He didn’t know what to say. What he was legally allowed to say_. Harry was speechless. What kind of game were they playing? Niall couldn’t just say: _Yes, there are some ’man-crushes’. So much so that Harry and I have been fucking each other for years. Oh, and yeah we are planning on spending the rest of our lives together._ Niall could hardly say that. Even if Harry kinda wished he could. One day…they would do it together.

„ _As...as Liam said. We are like-“ Niall didn’t dare say it. Harry was glad in a way that Niall also couldn’t just deny their mutual love on TV. Liam aided him. „I think we all kinda have major crushes on each other. I am their biggest fan and the others feel the same, I’m positive. So that comes only naturally.“_

_„I understand, I understand. The perfect bromance. But no girl for you, Mr. Horan?“_

_„I...I actually have no idea how much I am allowed to say. Legally, I mean.“ Niall chuckled uncomfortably, scratching his face. He was trying so hard not to bite his fingernails on television. „Uhh, so it’s still top secret?“_

_„Yes?“_

_„Can we expect any news soon? Your fans are dying to hear some good news, after all this turmoil that has been going on.“_

_„I…I…I don’t know.“ admitted Niall. He had gotten so pale. „Well, then we will have no other choice than to wait and see. While doing that you have the chance of winning-“_

Louis switched the TV off. „Harry, I think you should talk to Niall.“ 

„Yeah, I think so too.“ He stood up, burying his face in his hands. „Fuck. Why are they doing this to us?“ Ridiculously enough, Harry already had the answer to that. Taylor, Larry, relationships...management was giving their fans everything they had ever wanted by giving them nothing at all. Harry was Taylor’s _friend_ , but one could interpret the picture of them endlessly. Louis and Harry were _best friends_ , so Larry must be real, right? 

„Money.“ Louis replied. „Making us seem like we are still atop of our game.“ They were though? Or maybe they weren’t at all. 

**_Finished the interview now. Wanna talk? Can I call you? Don’t know if you are still on the plane._**

The message didn’t get received for quite a while. So Harry decided to blow dry his hair out of pure boredom, since Louis was busy smoking on the balcony. He talked to someone on the phone. Most likely El. Although they seemed to be arguing. 

**Just gotten into our hotel for the next few days. I‘m totally knackered. Speak to you tomorrow?**

It was Niall’s text. Harry felt a sting of sadness when he realized that he might not hear Niall’s voice today. He understood though. 

**_Of course. Sleep well, love.But...are you okay? The host...the whole show had been shit. They‘ve been bloody manipulative. You‘ve done amazing though, Ni x_ **

He just needed to know if Niall was feeling alright, after everything that had happened today. He couldn’t wait to be back home in London. Harry couldn’t wait for all of this to be over once and for all. 

**Honestly...I don’t know how to feel-**

The message stopped there. Which was weird. But soon after Niall’s face lit up on his screen. A picture Harry had taken years ago. It was the first photo of Niall smiling brightly and fully showing all his teeth, the day he had his braces taken out. He laughed directly into the camera, eyes shining and his features glowing. Just…perfect. Now Niall was calling Harry after all. 

„Hey, love.“ Harry breathed in the phone. He scratched his elbow, biting his lips. Harry wouldn’t have noticed it, if he hadn’t looked at himself in the bathroom mirror. He’d never spotted that habit before. Odd.

„Harry.“ It was merely above a whisper. Niall’s voice drowned in the turmoil of sheets moving, cars driving by and the city life of Dublin. „How are you?“ Harry asked. He needed to hear that Niall was more or less well. He just...needed to, alright?

„Tired.“ He noticed the sound of covers being snuggled into. A pillow wrinkling. „We don’t have to talk today, love. Sleep. Get some rest-“

„No!“ Niall jolted. „I do want to hear you! Your voice. ’Is like the best thing about you.“

„Is it? Not my smile, my hair, my undying charm…my dick?“ Harry jested. At least he aimed to. 

„Harry. No.“ Niall said. „Just your voice tonight.“

„Whatever you want, love. How was your flight?“

„Was alright, I guess. Liam’s been cheering me up. He‘s been trying to be funny, which has been more delightful than his actual jokes really.“ Niall chuckled on the other side. Hisvoice had lacked energy. He was drained. 

„Did it help?“

„No.“ Niall exhaled shakingly. „Listen, Harry...Can you? Can you please tell me what to do? Because I don’t fucking know anymore.“

„What? What are you talking about?“ Harry left the bathroom, switching the lights off and closing the door.

„Because, Harry-“ Niall also switched off some lights. Harry didn’t miss the clicking sound that‘d given it away. „ _I am_ the man who loves you, you know? I like to think that I am the one who loves you the most. But no one seems to satisfied by that or...or even consider it.“

„Ni-“

„No!“ Niall didn’t let Harry speak. He had a lot on his mind that needed to be said. „And today with Taylor and fucking Larry-“ Niall’s voice cracked. It always happed when Niall was about to cry. He stumbled over his words and his accent got so, so strong. Even stronger than during sex. He guessed, sadness was stronger than joy after all. „Thing is, Harry. All I fucking do, it never seems to be enough. I have gotten ya the necklace...the plane, because that’s how we met, do‘ya remember?“ Niall sniveled. 

„Of course.“ How could Harry not. If he did, he couldn’t live with the guilt of forgetting. Then he didn’t want to at all.

„You‘ve gotten so excited, so happy, after you had gotten through at the audition. You transformed your recall-paper into a paper plane. I‘ll never forget your dorky expression. And I thought, _what a weirdo_ , but then it happed to end up in my fucking hair. You had to speak to me to get it back. Harry, that plane has been the beginning of our story.“ Niall was crying. Not full on sobs, ugly and heavy, but silent tears. A mixture of fond memory and pain. „Yeah, I know. I was so freaking nervous. I already had the biggest crush on you.“ 

„It hurts. Because now...it is a gift from Taylor, not me. Now you are having a crush on Louis, possibly not me. Why would Harry be with _me_? That‘s what they say. I even heard someone say it today. Of all days...fucking today.“

„I only love you, Ni.“

„No. You’re dating Taylor, don’t mix things up. And you are in love with Louis. Or have you forgotten that? Only one missing in this mess is Kendal. The hot supermodel. Then it‘d be bloody perfect. I am just the fake blonde, Irish lad with crooked teeth, too many freckles and a fucked up knee and a weird accent. The most forgettable member of OneDirection. The least gifted singer, too. The one who should have left instead of Zayn.“

„Niall, stop.“ Harry interjected. What was Niall thinking? Where did all of this come from? „You know that is not true.“

„Well according to three out of four magazines I’ve read today, this is a rather popular opinion. And I just don’t know what I am doing so god damn wrong for them to dislike me so much. I‘m just being meself. I am authentic. Nothing but shit comes out of that. Of course that makes me think that...that I might be the actual problem. That it’s not the accent they hate, but me.“

„No one hates you, Niall. You know how the tabloids are. They are shit we don’t listen to. Let them talk. None of them know who you really are. How funny, smart and how talented you are. That your freckles are just the cutest thing ever and...how much I love you for being so strong. Niall, I love you. You are the better part of me I aspire to be.“

„I love you too, Harry.“ Niall croaked, hiccuping. „It’s just...sometimes I just wish that I could be enough. Enough to be with you, enough to be remembered. Just… _enough_ the way I am. I know I’m making no sense and that I am rambling, but it’s hard to take all of that shit every other day. Being told that I am not good enough to be with the person I actually am in love with. It hurts, ’is all.“ Niall sniveled again. His voice got ruffled by a tissue. He sneezed into it. He must have had cried ugly tears.

„We could always show them, you know? I‘d be ready any time.“ He almost dare‘nt say it. Coming out had always been such a delicate topic, but hearing Niall cry like this...over things that were so, so reasonable, what could Harry do? The only way out of this was by actually showing them…them, the world that Niall was better than Harry could ever hope for to be. Niall sighed. „You know that we can’t, Harry.“

„Why not? It’s our life.“ Harry said. Why couldn’t they if they felt like it? „It’s also our _careers_.“ pointed Niall out. His voice had gotten stronger. He probably sat upright on the bed now. „If that’s the world we live in 2014 then I don’t want it.“ Harry sneered. He tried to calm down. He didn’t want to further agitate Niall. Plus, they had arguments about this too often already. „But, Harry, it is the world we live in!“ 

„Well, I’d rather have no career at all than hiding all my god damn life!“

„Don’t be ridiculous. You need music like you need air to breath. And it’s not just our careers, Harry!“ Niall snapped. The light switch was audible again. So was Niall pacing through his hotel room. „It’s also Louis‘ career and Liam’s career! And Zay-“ He stopped. Niall hesitated whether he should include him or not. „We are one band, Harry. It’s about all of us!“

Harry shook his head, forgetting that Niall had no clue what he was doing. „I am sure they would understand. They-“

„Our management won’t! We have contractual duties for Christ‘s sake! We can’t just come out as we please.“ Harry shook his head again. „It sounds more like you don’t want to. We are stronger than them! If we want, we could. Do you even want to come out?“

Niall was silent. All Harry could hear was him breathing. He could practically see Niall, biting on his nails. „I-“ Niall was incredibly hesitant. In Harry’s opinion, his question had been one to be easily answered.

„That’s what I fucking thought!“ Harry laughed humorlessly. He saw Louis studying him with a concerned expression from outside. Louis had finished his call. 

„What is that supposed to mean!?“ 

„It means, Niall, that I don’t understand you.“ Harry articulated slowly. On one hand Niall was seeking freedom, but on the other hand he was too afraid to fight for it. How did that make any sense? „You want to be seen as my boyfriend, the man who loves me, but you are not willing to take the necessary steps for it. It will only get better once we come out...but apparently you don’t want that. You claim you want to be seen with me, go on dates, hold my hand publicly. What? Are you ashamed of me now? Is that the reason you don’t want to come out with me?“ Harry accused. He had gotten quite furious. So much to not anger Niall more. „God‘s sake! You know bloody well that that isn’t true!“ Niall yelled. 

„What then, Niall? I don’t get it! What do you want?“ 

He really didn’t. Harry was willing to go all the way with Niall. To go everywhere with him, but if Niall wasn’t willing to do the same. What was the point? „Is it so hard to get?! I just want to get appreciated one fucking time! Just for being _me_ , without judgement or some god damn contract violation.“ Niall hissed. 

„I appreciate you.“ Harry countered by heart. He didn’t miss a beat.

„You are me boyfriend, Harry.“ 

„What?!? Am I not good enough for that anymore? Shouldn’t that be enough?“ Harry inquired incredulously. He still had no idea what Niall was on about. He didn’t see a problem. If Niall felt threatened by Taylor or Kendall or Louis, all he had to do was to step out of their shadow. Louis opened the door to the room questioningly. Harry’s been louder than he intended. He waved Louis off who took the hint and stepped out again. 

„That‘s not what I meant! You’re putting me in front of a choice I can’t make. I can’t lose you, Harry. You are my life, but so is our band.“ negated Niall. He was chuckling nervously. Like he had no clue as to how he could make Harry understand. Harry had lost his patience. „It sure as hell sounded like that!“ spit Harry, yelping at Niall. It hurt like hell, being told that he might not enough to come out with. Fortunate for Harry that he was bisexual. He could also choose the " _easy way_ ", Niall on the other side was just into lads. He would have to come out eventually. Honestly, sucked to be Niall in this moment. 

However, as soon as Harry realized how inappropriate his outburst had been, he apologized. „Look, I didn‘t mean to snap at you. I‘m sorry, alright?“ Niall seemed to be thrown off guard. „No...no, it’s late and we are both exhausted. This won’t lead anywhere tonight. Let’s talk tomorrow? I have to think about…about a lot.“ That would probably be for the best. 

„Yeah. That sounds good. I love you-“ 

„Goodnight, Haz.“ Then the line went dead. Harry turned around and slammed his phone onto the bed. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It is important for me to state that i am NOT a medical expert. All medical conditions in this story fall under the use of creative freedom. You know your body best. Do NOT take this story as a reference as it might not be accurate.
> 
> I do however encourage everyone to go see a doctor, should there be issues regarding one's health. Most of the time it is nothing major after all. Best to get even the simplest things checked.
> 
> \---
> 
> Did you like it? Let me know what you think about this chapter if you feel like it.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> „Honestly, mate? Right now you don’t look as though you‘d feel like living. You good?“ Louis voiced through the bathroom door.
> 
> What should Harry say? He couldn’t even think properly, could barely stand. No way he'd be able to hide anything from Louis today, less alone the next couple of days. He felt sick. Standing up had not been a good idea. Harry opened his mouth to speak, but instead of words coming out, vomit made its way up Harry’s sore throat. He gagged uncontrollably. He began sweating again. He didn’t know what to do, so he headed back towards the toilet.
> 
> „Harry?“ Louis asked. He‘d sounded genuinely worried. Something Louis so unusually did. He, now, followed him into the bathroom as Harry hovered over the toilet, disgustingly emptying the little amount of what had been in his stomach. „Mate-“ Louis started. Harry put one hand up to stop Louis and put the other onto the toilet.
> 
> „Just...get me to the hospital.“ Harry admitted helplessly. Not to Louis. To himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Description of medical conditions and severe illness. Description of medical examination.
> 
> PS: *cough*Vienna*cough*finally*cough*

** 2014 **

Louis entered the room, after he had seen that Harry’d ended his call as well. He had his hands in his pockets and his hood on, protecting his face from the cold outside. „Let me guess, 'is not been Ms. Lane?“

„No.“ Harry growled deeply. He just wanted to fall into bed dead now. „Niall.“

„Figured.“ Louis shrugged. He went over to the desk to charge his phone with Harry’s adapter. „Seemed like you were having quite the dispute.“ Louis‘ phone buzzed as it started to charge. 

„You two as well. You and El. Are you…is everything fine with the two of you?“ Harry grabbed some joggers from his luggage and a loose shirt. He stripped from his worn out clothes, except his boxers and put the other stuff on. „Wanna talk about it?“ 

„Not really. To both of your questions. As an answer, I mean“ Louis said dismissively. „We are not…well, we were having a fight. Fucking honestly, I think we’re about to break up.“ Harry turned around immediately. Still, it felt like a long time coming in a wicked way. It always seemed that El and Lou were too deep too quickly, enlightening a flame neither of them were capable to contain. Now, apparently, the flame had turned into a destructive fire. „Fuck. I‘m sorry, mate.“ He sat down on the bed. 

„It’s okay, in a fucked up way I guess. Things have been off for quite a while now, so...“ Harry smiled sadly at him. He knew how happy Louis had been to call Eleanor his girlfriend. To have someone at his side he could finally trust with his life. Eleanor was…had been that person to Louis. „Still…that doesn‘t change anything. Maybe you‘ll figure it out, eh?“ 

Louis tapped his lips. His expression told Harry that he didn’t really thinks so. „Perhaps. One can always hope, right?“ 

„I s‘pose.“ 

„The thing is, I know why. Why it had to come to this.“ Louis took a seat next to Harry on the bed. „I’ve been stupid enough choosing to swallow my problems instead of asking my best friend for help.“ He nudged Harry’s shoulder. „So I need you to talk to me, because you and Niall are made for each other. You’re literally soulmates, mate. I don’t want you having to lose that too. Like I'm about to.“

„Hey, you don’t know that. Maybe there is a way to turn things around? It sound like you’ve already given up hope.“ Harry said. Louis, however just shrugged defeatedly. Was it really that bad? Louis and Eleanor…like…they couldn't just break up, call it quits and then what? 

Fuck, his head was on fire. His brain was on fire? No, his mind was? Well, whatever. Regardlessly, Harry felt like sleeping. He just wanted to drown in darkness and forget about his problems for six or four or eight hours, but Louis‘ gaze was intimidating. Not that it had a mean intent, no. He looked mature...like he actually knew what he was talking about. Or perhaps Louis wasn’t. Harry could imagine things. He moved his gaze to the blank ceiling. For a while there was silence.

„I just don’t get him. We argued. Because he is jealous? Of Taylor and Kendall. And even you! And-“ Harry said without really noticing. He just spoke his mind.

„Of me?“ Louis asked. He sounded genuinely surprised. 

„No, not like _you_ you. Not as in Larry you…or maybe he is? I don’t even know anymore. But he definitely is jealous of Taylor and Kendall and everyone basically, because he thinks the world would prefer them at my side compared to himself. I have got no clue where his confidence has gotten. He‘s never been so anxious like right now.“ Harry sighed. He crawled back to lie down. 

„Well, times’ never been that bumpy as right now too, so...“ Louis truthfully pointed out. „Thing is, is Niall jealous or hurt? There is a difference, you know?“

„How‘d you-“ started Harry. He stopped however to think about what Louis had just said. „He _is_ jealous. But...it’s always the same. We both are aware what we have to do to change that, but he feels like it would be the wrong thing to do. We‘re stuck and it is annoying me. I just want to be happy with him like Liam and Soph or you and El are.“ As Harry reconciled what he blurted out, turning Louis‘ features to stone, he mumbled a quick apology. „’m sorry. Didn’t want to be insensitive.“ 

Louis shrugged it off. „’Is okay, I guess. Still, imma get you back on that later. Have to fix your mess before, haven’t I?“ He smiled boyishly. Moments like this Louis tended to let his inner therapist out. „So…“ He cracked his knuckles. One after another. „Why are you not happy? Why are you unhappy, Harold?“ 

What kind of question was that? Because Harry was happy…well, mostly. The prospect of Niall being in America and being apart from him for weeks certainly didn’t help to brighten up his mood.Harry narrowed his eyes. „Right now or generally?“

„In general.“

Harry took a moment to get his thoughts in order, before replying. „Well, because I am lacking freedom that others get to experience, I am less happy than I could be. If Niall and I were to live openly, unapologetically, we would be happier. He would see that there is no one else I’d rather take to dinner dates and trips around the world. It’s just not fair. You know, all I am asking is that posting cute pictures with my boyfriend wouldn't have legal consequences.“

„Understandable, yeah. It _is_ unfair after all. Not being able to do normal things that ordinary, non-famous people can do, yes.“ Louis nodded. It looked like he already had all the answers. „What could you do to change that?“

Harry laughed dryly. How many times did he have to repeat himself? „By going public. Easy as that.“

„Is it?“ Louis crooked an eyebrow questionably. 

„Yes.“

„Alright. So...how would you deal with haters, throwing insults at you on the streets, on the internet? How would you deal with people calling Niall a dirty fag, an unworthy pig?“

„I would kiss him right in front of them. I‘d show them that we are not afraid.“ Harry complied confidently. His voice didn’t flicker. He was positive that they would manage that. „And before you come at me with that fucking contract violation, Louis. They need us more than we need them. We‘d find a way, if we just started looking for it.“ 

„I have no doubt about that. You’re even being reasonable to some extent. For someone in your position at least.“ Louis said. He still was unconvinced. Almost like what Harry suggested was not enough. „Why do you think Niall has gotten unhappy recently? Try to put yourself in his shoes.“ 

Harry hesitated shortly. „Well...because he feels like he is not enough in some weird way. He‘s not…he _is_ enough. So much more than that. I’ve told him-“

„Yes, we both know that.“ cut Louis off. „The question is, if your solution would solve the problem. What do you think, would a coming out increase Niall’s self-worth, his self-esteem? With how people will react, what they are going to say?“ 

„Well, yes....maybe? I don’t know. We haven’t tried. So how are we supposed to know? It is not certain what would happen exactly.“

„So do you think Niall‘s problem is uncertainty?“ Louis pressed on calmly. The longer this conversation lasted, the more Harry was sure that Louis knew something that he didn’t. Did he speak to Niall? 

„No. I don’t think, no. Why are you asking me all of that?“

„Because that, Harry, is where the issue lies. Think about it. What does Niall want? Really wish for? What has he told you on the phone just right now?“ He had to have spoken to him. Harry brought the phone call back to his mind, trying to remember all of it. It hit him as he recognized what Louis was going for. 

„No judgement.“ He sighed. „He doesn't want to be judged for once. But, Louis, I don’t get it. We are in show business. It happens naturally. All the time.“

„Yes.“ Louis sighed as well. „Harry, look. The problem is that Niall feels like he’s never seen as the person he really is…the person he feels like. Even though he _is being_ authentic. You are _the hot one_. Do you like being the hot one in the band? Do you believe it describes you somewhat accurately?“

„Yes? I mean…sorta, I guess? Yeah.“ Harry replied.

„See.“ Louis stated. „I am the sassy, funny one. Liam‘s the muscular athlete. And Zayn’d been the mysterious one. We all like our persona that was being laid upon us, because we can identify ourselves with it. Niall, on the other side, he is the cute...the innocent one. The fragile one. The one who is in desperate need of protection.“ 

Harry stared blankly at Louis. He kind of got behind the bigger issue. „But he isn’t. Fragile, I mean. He is the strongest person I know. I love him.“

Louis held up one hand. „You don’t have to tell _me_ that. Being gay in this world takes a lot of courage, a lot of strength as it is, because certain people are fucking shitholes. Being in a boy band definitely doesn’t make it easier. Niall’s being so strong everyday, fighting with you and for you constantly, but then he is told that he‘s weak. That he needs protection, since, obviously, he is the cutie after all. The boy among us men. What do you think that does, if your greatest strength is constantly being dismissed as your biggest weakness?“ Louis ended his statement with his shoulders going limp. Like he had been wanting to tell all of this to Harry and could feel the relief of having done so, finally. Harry could comprehend what he meant. He liked being labeled as the hot one, the one with _the_ smirk, even womanizer occasionally. About the latter one Harry always had a proper laugh. But who asked Niall if wanted to be seen the way he was being seen. Sure, none of them got asked, but in a way the general description of them fit. Niall probably thought that his didn’t. And no matter what he tired to show that he was so much more than that. 

Funny, strong, smart. Niall was all of that and so much more. Yet, his attempts went nowhere. 

Harry chuckled humorlessly. „It…it does not make you feel good about yourself. He’s never told me that. Honestly, I’ve never looked at it this way. Should‘ve, ’feel like right now.“ Harry shook his head. He had been an arse, an oblivious arse. „Did he talk to you about that?“ 

„No.“ Louis replied as a matter of factly. „I noticed. Listen, Niall feels like the odd one out. He‘s not hot, he’s cute. He‘s not a man, he‘s a boy. He‘s Irish. He‘s the lone blond sweetheart. I don’t think, he wants to be _the flamboyant, gay_ one on top of that as well. The label of it, I mean. The label that the medias would would manufacture for there needs.“

Fuck. It _did_ make sense. So what was Harry to do? How could he make Niall feel accepted. Strong again? „So if coming out is not an option...what do you propose I should do? I can’t just do nothing.“

„Don’t make the solution to all of this only about a coming out. Stop making him chose between you and the band-“ 

„I-“ Harry tried to interject. He never had said anything like that. He couldn't live with himself, if he had. Yet, he did bring the topic up more often rather than not. However he had never seen it as a major problem. Louis stopped him immediately, by cutting him off. „Niall needs both. Give him what he needs. This band won’t last forever. Heck, this might even be our final year. I am not asking you to give up your freedom, I am asking you for Niall’s and your relationship’s sake to wait and help him show his true self to the world.“

This would be hard though. _Waiting_. For how long? Sure, 1D could end this year or next year or in four years. How long was he supposed to wait then? How much time did he even have left? Was there a limit to his life with Niall? Would they grow old together? Would Harry grow old at all? No…no Harry was healthy. No reason to think otherwise. Well… 

„How?“ Harry croaked. This was twisted as hell. He hardly understood himself and _he_ was Niall’s boyfriend. „You love him. Then make him feel like you are the only two that matter. He will see how insignificant the rest of the world is, then.“ Louis bounced from the bed. „Wow. I‘ve been talking crap.“ He laughed and Harry decided to join in. „Who knew I had that in me.“ A yawn escaped Louis, so he shook himself out of it. He strut over to the door. „I am wasted. Imma head to bed now.“ Harry nodded absently. His mind was racing, processing everything he had just taken in. 

„Louis?“ 

„Yeah.“ He glanced over his shoulder back to Harry. „I did.“ said Harry. „I knew that you would help me. Always have, mate.“

Louis chuckled mockingly. His fringe an intangible mess. „Yeah, yeah...whatever. Sleep tight, princess.“ He stepped out and with him also left the light. Louis had switched it off. Ironic. 

Without even giving a second shit about the idea which had come to him with the click of the door closing, Harry took his phone. What did Ms. Lane say int the meeting? They could need any kind of publicity? Well, _that_ they could have. He scrolled through his pictures with aim as well as lightning speed. 2014, then 2013, after that came 2012 and finally 2011. There it was…one of his favourite photos ever. 

When Niall was at Harry’s for the first time in 2011, shortly after they had finished their debut tour, Niall had taken said picture. Without telling Harry, to be exact. It came as a surprise when Niall sent him the photo, properly edited, of Harry’s paper plane. Yes, t _he original one._ The one made with the paper of the recall sheet. Niall photographed it in Harry’s sideboard. He also edited the lightning, the reflection, the brightness. It looked gorgeous, standing strong in a warm orange, brown-ish light.

It bewildered Harry, because what he was about to do, was just so unlike him. He got up, fixed the lights, positioned himself in front of the mirror and snapped several pictures. He picked the best, before deleting the rest. The focus...that was solely on his necklace, glowing astonishingly in the otherwise dim room. 

Harry opened his social media, picked his selfie first and put the other picture in the second slide. He didn’t have to spend a lot of time coming up with a caption. 

**_You are the pilot to my plane. Without you I would fall apart and crash._ **

**_You took me on a flight that I never want to end. I love you more with every single mile we take_**. He used only one hashtag. # ** _FlyingSince2010_**

He pressed upload, letting their fanbase...the whole world find out that Harry was in a relationship. Had been for a long time. Harry did indeed think that the pictures as well as the caption were telling enough.

Seconds passed by quietly, until Niall had been the first to like post. Thank god.

The following night, Harry didn’t get an ounce of sleep. The conversation he had with Louis was on replay on his mind. Had he been a bad partner? Did he push Niall too much? What if Niall would never be ready to come out? Would Harry be able to deal with hiding? How would their future look like then? How much of a future did Harry have anyways? He pushed _those_ thoughts as far away as possible. He hadn’t been in pain a single time, while being in Germany. Harry had no reason to believe that it would change. It must have been is imagination playing tricks on him. He should have that confirmed. Maybe, have a proper wank and see. Yeah, Harry could work with that. Or go to an actual Doctor. 

The next morning they were off to Vienna. As they boarded their plane, it still had been dark outside. Eight-Am never felt more like utter night than now. Harry didn’t really sleep at all. Louis was in the seat next to him. Soft music was bouncing from his headphones and some book was in his hands. Quite sophisticated, him. Harry decided, seeing that he didn’t have anything better to do, to catch up on some much needed sleep. The monotonous noises of the plane had a calming effect on Harry. He could pretend the slight, tiny bumps and movements made by the plane was Niall, sleeping against his chest. He was about to drift off, as their assistant flapped in. 

„Alrighty, loves. We are gonna-“ She pinched Harry. „Harry, are you awake? Wake up.“

„Sure.“ he slurred a bit annoyedly. „Go on, Charlotte.“ 

„Great.“ she clapped. „So we are going to land in Vienna in about an hour or so. Cars will be waiting for us. They‘ll take you downtown for some radio show, which will last about two hours-ish? Something alike. There is another TV gig in the evening. Don’t worry, it is not live. Tomorrow we will meet up with a team of journalists from Switzerland who have been so nice to meet us here in Vienna. Aren’t they just lovely?“

„Yeah, ’is fucking dazzling. Sorry, didn’t bring a medal for’em.“ Louis jawed, his teeth pressed together. The media was worshipped like holy gods within their industry. Even if they happened to be sinister people. Disgusting. 

„Louis you!“ Charlotte smacked Louis head with her notes. „They had been very welcoming and comforting. Last but not least…there’s another major show here in Vienna and then we can enjoy Rome from the inside of a studio the following day. Fantastic, is it not?“ She smiled at them. „Sad, I know. Rome…oh dear Rome. But!“ She said sarcastically. „The bus ride from the airport to the studio is ought to be stunning…I guess? Anyways. Any questions?“

„Yes.“ Harry raised his hand like he used to do in school. Ironically so. „Can I sleep now?“

„Indeed, Charls, would you let Harry have his much needed beauty sleep.“ Louis threw him a boyish look over his shoulders. Harry didn't bother to respond. He closed his eyes, trying to dream about something nice. The chapel in Rome maybe?

As foretold, they landed in Vienna shortly after. Not nearly long enough for Harry to have held a proper nap, but it would help with sleeping in the evening. They got out of the airport, into the cars and eventually into a dressing room for the first show, which had been smooth sailing throughout. Harry could only hope the other gig later that day would end up in a similar way. 

Turned out it did, actually. The hosts were open minded, not judgmental or invasive. They also let them speak as well as explain themselves. A refreshing change. They had tapped everything needed by midnight and Harry fell into bed at one o‘clock in the morning. Really, that had always been the dark-side of fame. Being so immensely tired, exhausted that a phone call or a short text to his boyfriend or family was impossible. Three and a half days of straight traveling started to take its toll on Harry. 

He met Louis in the breakfast room at nine. They were given an hour, before their stylists would hide away all the ugly flaws. _Symbols of stress_ , his mother always called the pimples, blackheads and massive dark rings beneath his eyes. Harry didn’t really speak to anyone. He goofed around with Louis halfheartedly, exchanged some instructions with his stylist, but he mostly wasted his time on his phone, messaging Niall and Gemma. As the pair of hosts came into their restricted area of the hotel lobby for shooting, Louis rolled his eyes. The both of them seemed to be taken out of every standard fashion magazine. 

Neatly styled, head to toe. Blond hair stiff from too much hairspray and skin seemingly flawless. What lay beneath the layers of make up was up for oneself to decide. The lady immediately noticed Harry leaning on the bar with Louis. She hurried over as fast as she could. Well, as fast as her tight pencil skirt and high-heels allowed. She came towards them with loud clicking sounds on the marble floor. 

„Oh my, oh my!“ she squeaked. Her voice was high. Shrill, too, in Harry’s ears. Unintentionally he winced. „Look at you! Even more handsome in real life, you are.“ She brushed Louis‘ cheekbones, causing him to draw back. He bumped into the bar. She stared at them in awe like she had never seen anyone remotely similar. It had been quite the peculiar situation. „Uhm.“ Harry rasped. „’ello?“ 

Her head snapped to him, letting go off Louis. „Heaven! We are my manners?“ She wiped one hand on her skirt, before extending it to Harry. „My name is Christine Müller. Yes, with an _-e_ at the end. Quite fond of that. I have the pleasure of interviewing you today, Mr. Styles.“ She smiled at him, excited like a child getting sweets. „My colleague over there-“ She pointed to some man who was currently talking to Charlotte. „Is called Franz Huber. He will be covering Louis’ part of the article. What a pity really, I would have loved to take you both, but-“ She shrugged, flipping her hair from one side to another. „I guess one has to be enough. That’s what I always say...interview one, sleep with two...did I just say that?!?“ Christine‘s hand covered her mouth in shock. „If so, you haven’t heard it from me.“ 

„You’re rambling, dear.“ Louis said, distantly. She was already getting on his nerves. „Guilty!“ Christine laughed. „That’s me.“ She took out a notebook from her beige bag. „Harry! Ready when you are.“ He nodded and trotted behind her as she had been leading the way outside. „Have fun.“ Louis yelled after him. He enjoyed Harry’s suffering way too much. Screw him and Christine and all of this. He hoped Franz Müller would be an even bigger pain in the arse than Christine. 

Turned out he wasn’t. Apparently he had been nice, according to Louis, but well…Harry would get over the trauma Christine had caused…eventually.

„So your interviews have been alright so far? In Ireland, that is?“ Harry asked Niall. They had been talking on the phone for hours. Harry truly needed the calming sound of Niall’s voice, after...after Christine. Lord, he needed to forget her. A lot to cope with for sure. „I guess so. Couldn’t get any worse than Scotland anyways.“

„Don’t be so hard on yourself, love. You‘ve done amazing.“ Harry affirmed his beliefs. „Have you been able to get out of good ol’ sticky Dublin? Went to Mullingar?“ He knew how badly Niall urged to use every change he got to go see his family, how badly he wanted to improve his relationships he he with his family, but this press tour had been quite different compared to others right from the start. „Not yet. ’ve got no clue, if I even can. We‘re off to New York in like 46 hours. Fuck.“

„Maybe one media outlet will cancel on you? It’s just a short drive. You might be able to go then, eh?“ It didn’t really happen often times, but there was the possibility of some date being rescheduled or even get canceled. Both of them knew however how unlikely it was. „We‘ll see. We can go to Ireland later. Vacation perhaps?“ Harry internally agreed without thinking. He hadn’t seen Niall’s family in too long. „Is that even a question? Wanna see lil’ Theo again. Remind him who his coolest Uncle is.“ 

„You wish! That part belongs to me. ’Is me. I am his favorite Uncle, no doubt. You’re like the weird one who’s always off to LA or some sort, wearing those hideous floral shirts.“ Niall laughed. 

„You love my floral shirts though.“ Harry argued playfully. „You're right. I am quite fond of those, I guess.“ Niall said. „Let’s talk about something else though. Something more fun. Tell me more about Christina, was it?“

„No, Niall. You‘ve gotten it all wrong, you idiot. It’s Christine. With an vocal _-e_.“ Harry corrected him, because obviously it was. „Alight, alright.“ snickered Niall. „That then.“

„Lord, don’t even get me started again. I promise, Niall, she just wouldn’t stop talking.“ Harry reported the events of his interview with Christine, back in his hotel room again, after having wrapped everything up. „And touching too! She tucked on my curls and everything. My face, too! Can you believe?“ 

„Didn’t tell her you‘re taken already? After your post.“ Niall chuckled on the other side. „Should’ve.“

„That’s the thing! We even spoke about that. Of course her first question had been about my, I quote, _cryptic...mysterious...crazily indulging post_. And whom I might be meaning. She...I can’t.“ Harry laughed. He leaned against against the window sill, over looking the beautiful skyline of Vienna. 

„Well, what did ya say’en?“ Niall asked. Harry couldn’t tell if he was anxious or smiling with him. „That is a surprise, Niall. I swear it’s cute! I‘ll get you a copy of the magazine when it comes out.“ Harry saw planes in the distance, landing…starting again. It made him smile and reach for his necklace, he hadn’t taken off since...since his most beautiful and horrifying night. 

„No! Tell me.“ Niall whined. „If I can’t have any eye-candy by seeing you, won’t you give at least...ear-candy? I dunno?“ 

„Patience, Nialler.“ There was silence for a missing moment. 

„You know, Harold. I told you, we’ve wrapped extra early today. I had a lot of time to spare and now a lot of ambiguous pictures magically appeared on me phone. Originally I planned on making you cum real hard with those, but...I guess you‘ll just have to be patient and wait ’till you see me again.“ Niall said dispassionately. 

„Ni-“ Harry had seen some of the photos Niall was willing to take of himself for Harry in the past...fuck! His mouth became dry. For the first time in days he could feel the familiar sensation of actually _wanting to cum_. To have a proper wank, spurting all over his hand, the bed. „That is…fair. I deserve that, I suppose.“ Harry remarked shallowly. „Fuckin‘ tease you are.“

Niall burst out in giggles, genuine ones. He enjoyed it. „That’s the pot calling the cattle black, babe. I might get persuaded though.“

„Everything. All you want, Ni.“ Harry glared. He really wanted that. He could already feel his dick filling up with blood, growing warm against his skin. And there had been no pain. A wank would be good, really good. With the help of his boyfriend even better.

„So, so. Sounding a bit desperate now, do we?“ Niall teased as Harry turned away from the windows, pressing the remote to close the curtains. „I am. Not gonn’ hide the fact that you never fail to make me horny. Wish you could fuck me right now, love. Fill me up, make me yours all over again.“ 

„Harry-“ Niall merely whispered. Harry loved that he had the same effect on Niall like he had on Harry. „Two can play that game.“

„Nope, I refuse to play it.“ Niall attempted to come across as confident. „Not until you’ve given me what I want. Tell me what you have told her.“

„It really was meant to be a surprise-“

„Well then, no pictures for you tonight.“ Niall audibly shrugged. „Good Night, Harry.“ Thing was, Niall would not hesitate to actually end the call, because Niall was always the one with the stronger will out of the two of them. „Niall! No! Love, wait-“ Harry complied. Not because he was horny, of course _not_ , but because he wanted to make Niall happy. _The. Only. Reason._

„Look, look, someone‘s changed their mind? So what did you say?“ Niall laughed warmly.

„What I’d said you want to know? Well I said that the post was for the love of my life. For the person I want to marry and spent the rest of my life with. For the person who takes good care of my heart.“

„H-“ Niall tried really hard not to laugh. He kind of had a thing to disrupt romantic moments, hadn’t he? „Are you ever going to be _not_ romantic for once? Geez! You‘re so cute though.“ 

There was more though. „I am not done yet. It’s either all or northing now.“ Harry noticed Niall snorting...in an adorable way. „We talked a lot about that actually. About love, I mean. After she’d asked me what my greatest accomplishment was. I said _finding love._ Finding you. You were all I could think about. We went from there kinda. She also asked me what my biggest fear was. And I answered with...with _losing love_.“

„You’re not gonna lose me, Harry.“

„’ _What’s your biggest wish?’_ Her next question. Do you wanna know what I said? I told the world that I wish I could be free.“ Harry shuddered. Niall answered immediately. „One day, Harry, I promise...we will be. Once this construct of fame isn’t no longer our prison, but our motherfuckin’ castle.“

„Alright then.“ Said Harry. „If I am your night in shining armor, then you are my fair, Irish princess. Our happily ever after, right?“ Harry said dreamily. 

„No.“ Niall retorted. „Imma not be ya endangered princess, I at least want to be your king. Emperor might be negotiable too. Depends on the conditions.“

„You really do ruin my romantic moments, don’t you?“ Harry pouted. 

„You have those...like every few hours, H. What am I supposed to do?“ chortled Niall. He switched off some lights. They really had been talking for hours. One glance at the clock revealed to Harry that it had been slightly more than three in the morning. It had been an amazing call. They had the opportunity to talk about everything. Their argument, some bits of what Harry had spoken with Louis, his social media post, their respective interviews. It just felt so good. Harry felt at ease. A bit horny still, but at ease nevertheless. 

„I don’t know, Niall. Maybe...roll with it?“ he suggested. „Harry, I love you. I really do, but that would be impossible. You’re a romantic nutter…like constantly.“

„Guess so, but-“ Harry tried to come back. But Niall already knew what Harry had in mind, so he ended the call. „Good night, Harry. Your emperor sends you to rest now.“ He knew him too well. „So I shall oblige. Sleep tight, love.“ Harry said and line went dead after three hours, 15 minutes and 46 seconds. No, Harry did not keep track of that. Not at all. In any way…he worshipped every single second he was able to spend with Niall, together at home or apart over a telephone line. He hoped it would stay that way for forever, but…no…No! He was fine. Harry was fine, alright. He really was. There was nothing wrong with him. There couldn’t. Just-

He got ready for bed, yet as he checked his phone one last time, a message from Niall had been in his inbox. He opened it. 

It was a picture of Niall. No, not one of _those_. Not smutty or filthy or somethin’. It’d been an innocent one. A cute one. Just like the cute, adorable little leprechaun Niall was. He sat on the hotel room floor with nothing, but his boxers on and an hugely oversized hoodie, stolen from Harry long ago. His hair looked soft and messy. Harry could see Niall’s content, happy smile. Dark stubble graced Niall’s cheeks. He had also worn his glasses. Just...fuck! The text came with one simple sentence. 

**_Only the bestest night to my personal knight in shining armor. Dream of me tonight, yeah? Your fair, Irish princess :p_ **

Harry was in awe contemplating whether he should also send a picture of himself or not. He decided to rather just look at it. Harry got underneath the covers, engulfing the warmth. He faced his phone again, starring at the picture foolishly in love. Harry wanted to take in every angle, transcending to sleep by trying to count Niall’s freckles. There were so many…so unique…

He switched off the night light. The room glowed blue by the light from his phone. Harry couldn’t stop smiling at his boyfriend. It was bittersweet, yes. Because, to some extent, the closeness that came with the picture had been enough to fill his need for connection temporarily, yet also made his loneliness grow. After what felt like the shortest time, his eyes got heavy and his breathing evened out, Harry’s phone landed on his chest and he slid off into deep sleep with Niall. He…Niall was resting against his heart. 

Like promised, Niall appeared in his dreams that night. It was beautiful, so was Niall. The picture had been stunning as Niall stood there at some river with light shining, circling around him. Candles were everywhere, lights tangled around and between trees and the air smelled like summer. A gathering had been happening, because Harry’s family was there. His mother and sister, dressed in gowns. His father, too. All of Niall’s family was laughing with them as well. They were sat around the same table, white and marble and flawless and perfect. Greg, Denise, Maura, Niall’s cousins and his father. 

In this dream Harry could not move on his own accord. He had no control over his actions. But out of the corner of his eye, he could spot something strange. Something odd. Liam and… _Zayn_? Yes. Zayn also had been around, looking a bit shy. Unsure as to whether he was really welcome here or not. Didn’t he know? He was always welcome…always had been. Liam comforted him, while Louis talked to a women, whose face Harry didn’t know. He was holding a baby in his arms. And a young boy with the exact same smirk as Louis held tightly onto his other hand. Were those Louis‘ kids? Presumably so, but…how? 

His gaze got shifted upwards. The dream was both so clear, like a crystal alone in space and foggy like a dark winter night was cold. Then he watched the horizon. There was a river where Harry couldn’t see far beyond. A layer of dark, turbulent clouds blocked his view. Beyond this border no cheerful music played. Over there, at this spot, no sounds of joy and laughter were to be found. Figures of night and shadows danced oddly to their own beat. Their faces seemed out of this world. They had no mouth, no nose, but four eyes. Red, fire and burning. Relentlessly they attacked some invisible barrier near the river. With every impact came a dull sound, shaking the ground they were standing on. Yet, no one was afraid…they kept on dancing, drinking, laughing. They acted as though the…those creatures weren’t there at all. However, they were so close.

Harry craved to tear his eyes away, but some strange force prevented him from doing so. He was forced to stand and stare. Those figures were frightening him. Their faces moved, shifted like fluids in the air just like their boneless structures. Shreds of wavering black was tingling behind them. They got ripped out of them by others. Maybe something more perilous. Similar creatures, smaller and less prominent developed quickly. Just by looking at them, Harry felt a coldness take grip of his body. It was freezing. It was dangerous...it was death and the monsters screamed. 

He got to face Niall again, busy dancing with a toddler. Both of them had brown, wavy hair. The way Harry always imagined how Niall would look like with his natural hair color. Just now, Harry realized that Niall was wearing a suit. That all of the men were, as a matter of fact. He glanced down his own body. Unsurprisingly he had been in a suit too. Quite similar to the one Niall was wearing. Dark blue, almost black-ish fabric graced his long legs and chest. The child turned around, before it shot Harry the brightest smile, all teeth showing. Well, almost. Several were missing. The kind ran over to him under the lingering gaze of Niall. To his left, he heard his mother and Gemma laugh about a random joke as the child stopped right in front of him. Blue eyes, strong like oceans, forceful like winds and calm as a mild summer evening, looked up to him. Honestly, it could have been Niall’s own. They seemed like the perfect replica. The toddler began to speak. „Papa! Papa!“ 

Was he…? Was this boy talking to Harry? Was he…were they? Was this little boy his...but? How much in the future was this dream taking place? Was this his future he dreamed of or just a tempting illusion? A trick? 

A summer breeze, peaceful and gentle, rustled his hair. Instinctively Harry brushed his hair out of his eyes. An unknown sensation, since it had gotten a lot shorter. Something inside Harry however told him that he liked it. That it had been a good change. As his hand went down to his sides again, a reflection hit his eyes...a sliver lighting, bright as the day and endless like hope. It had been a slim band...on his finger. A ring. In awe again, Harry looked up, greeted by Niall, waving him over. The same reflection came from his hand. A connection.

„Grandma‘ Anne said that’u have a dance with Da‘“ said the child with the most adorable accent. A seamless mixture between British and Irish. Slight northern accent, he apparently had taken over from Harry. And well, where the Irish came from was self-explanatory. The most fascinating thing though, was the Irish twang. It had been adorable. Harry wasn’t even given a choice, his lips started moving. 

„Well, then.“ he said. „Why don’t you lead the way, buddy?“ The toddler beamed happily and a tiny hand took Harry’s index finger. Small, patting steps dragged Harry over to where Niall was glowing in the dark. He was the light, next to the river, under the tree, between other people dancing. And at the end, Niall was waiting for him. „You tow gonn‘ be danc-ing.“ The boy proclaimed in an orderly manner, sounding really proud. He took Niall’s hand and intertwined it with Harry’s. 

„Thank you, Noah.“ Niall grinned down at...their boy? Their child. Noah…Noah…Harry repeated the name over and over again. He tested the sound of it in his mind, being stunned how right it felt. Natural in a way. The perfect name for such joyful boy. He looked so much like Niall, thank god, but...Harry daren‘t say it…sometimes he felt like he was looking at himself too. What kind of weird dream was that? The winds in Noah’s eyes appeared as a vibrant green. Harry’s own eye colour. 

„Don’t you want to dance with us, Noah?“ Niall said, ruffling Noah’s hair who shook his head. 

„No! Got‘a with me own date.“ Then he ran off to Gemma‘s table, babbling to her. Noah took her hand, persuading his aunt to dance with him. He was almost bursting from sheer happiness. Niall held Harry close while both watched Noah hop around to the music with Gemma. 

„So…“ Harry spoke again. „Wanna join in? Can’t let them have all the attention, huh?“ Harry tilted Niall’s chin upwards, pecking his lips. „’Is no use.“ Niall said. „If he’s just remotely like his _papa_ , we don’t stand a chance.“

„Not talking about Noah, love. Think all of our guests have hopelessly fallen victims to his charm.“ laughed Harry warmly. „‚’Am talking abou’ Gemma. There can only be one Styles ruling the dance-floor.“ 

Niall hooked his arm around Harry’s waist. „That might be a tougher task than you think, babe. With at least _four_ Styles on the dance-floor.“ Niall started to move to the beat, before Harry cringed at his own dreamy stupidity. Was it all just a dream? It felt so real…so true. And if it had been a dream, it also meant that Harry would eventually wake up again. No! Lord, please, no!

„Yeah…right. Married now, aren’t we, _Mister Styles_.“ Harry pointed out, laughing.

Niall smiled back at him. „Well, _Mister Styles_ , you got _forever_ to get used to it. I ain’t goin’ nowhere.“

Harry could feel himself, his real self, smiling in his sleep. What a dream that was. One Harry wished to be never woken up from. It filled his heart with joy. Especially Noah. Could they really...might they have kids one day? Harry hoped so, but it was not something they had spoken about. Having a mini Niall like Noah would be heartwarming. Pride was all Harry fathomed to feel. 

They danced, slow and careful at first. Like magnets they were pulling each other in, hand locked tightly on their backs. Niall circled his thumb on the hem of Harry’s shirt, slipping beneath it. He pressed the tip of his finger on Harry’s skin. The spot where, so Harry got to know just in this moment, where the birthdate of Noah was inked under his skin. Harry squeezed Niall’s hips in return. It’d been a silent sign, a mutual promise. A promise that neither of them would ever let go of each other. „Everywhere.“ Niall whispered into Harry’s ear. „I would follow you everywhere. I love you so much. For the rest of my life.“ His thumb brushed the ink again. He was looking up to harry in the most innocent manner. His eyes were big and full of life. 

„Well then, dear husband.“ Smirked Harry. He would never get tired of calling Niall his husband. Niall…his husband. His husband Niall Styles. „That's good, because otherwise I would have to drag you with me. Not gonna ever let you go now.“ Harry let his hand glide up to Nialls neck, halting their movements. He brushed his cheek too, tilted his head and leaned in to kiss his husband. Without thinking Niall gave into the kiss. Messy, a bit too desperate, a bit too much tongue considering the occasion, but Harry still liked to think that it had not been inappropriate. It was their wedding after all, was it not? He pulled back, pressing their heads together. He smelled Niall. His deodorant, his aftershave and his sweat. Honestly, Harry didn't give second fuck about how their sweaty foreheads were resting together, becoming disgustingly wet from the heat. „I love you too, Niall.“ 

„Harry-”

Then suddenly the world around them changed, started to melt, to deform and vanish. Twirls and turns had shaken the ground, creating cracks that spread too quickly from one end to another. From the river to the trees. From the guests to the band.

People screamed in shock, tables turned and fell. The river rose with such speed that it threatened to absorb the entire scene in no time. So before Harry had any clue of what had been happening, they twisted and stumbled. Harry could see fear in Niall’s face, tears too. He was staring right behind Harry. He followed Niall’s gaze, freezing as he saw them coming.

The creatures from before. The barrier, keeping them at bay was gone. Nothing was holding them back. Their squeaks were the worst. The louder they got, the more the calm night shifted into something…into something terrible. Blue starlight changed into a red horizon, red with blood. The river had done the same. Thick, sluggish blood was soaking the grass and filled the craters. Harry turned around again which he wished he hadn’t. The shadows were hunting. Hunting down their prey. With everyone dissolving into nothing, after merely being touched, the pain originating in Harry’s chest got deadlier. The screams! Stop!

„Oh my!“ Niall said. „What is happening? What are those?“ 

„Get our parents. I’ll go get Noah.“ Harry croaked. Was there even anything he could do? A dream, right? Just a fucking nightmare. Niall didn't hesitate. Thinking Harry was right behind him, he ran over to the tables where many of their loved ones were already gone missing. Were they…? 

However, despite how much Harry tried, his feet would not move. He was forced to stand there, set in stone, and watch his life disappear in front of his eyes. He had absolutely no control, although he tried time and time again to get to Niall and their son. He couldn’t. Chilly tears were making their way down his cheek, Harry noticed, just before _something_ got a hold of him, dragging him away. Pulling him into utter, silent night.

„Harry?“ Niall screamed viciously. Pulling Noah up his arm, he hurried back to him. „Don’t leave me, Harry!“ screamed Niall again. „Don’t leave us.“ Niall’s voice had gotten so distant. Broken…directionless. 

Niall, his husband, his one and only had disappeared. So had everyone else. The sky above, where Harry was floating to, was crawling with thunder and lighting, conquering all good that once had graced their river. The nebula split like glass, forming into a wave, so big as well as vigorous it destroyed everything on its way. Red and scary. Strong and relentless the wave would wipe through the land at any given moment. Death was on its way to Harry’s life. He saw it from above as everything ended in the wave. He didn’t run and didn’t love and refused to feel as the creatures let go of him. He fell briefly, before the wave drowned him in despair.

Harry woke up screaming. Sweat was thick on his forehead and all over his body. The t-shit he slept in was soaked. He kicked the covers away, trying to escape the freezing heat, glistening his skin. All he could feel was...was...had been the urge to fucking pee? It reminded Harry of...this wasn’t good. He ran into the bathroom onto the toilet, but the pain wouldn’t leave as he sat there for minutes. So didn’t the urge...the feeling of having to pee. He just couldn’t stop. It wouldn’t and the longer he sat the weaker he got. Relief only came as sleep called him back to its grip, still half naked, the head resting on the sink and his face in pain. Dried salt on his cheeks and his hand clutched around his necklace, the plane. 

He heard a sound. Like wood. It sounded like wood. It was a knocking sound, was it not? It was persistent, continuous. There were muffled voices as well. Why wouldn’t it stop? It had been unpleasant, but the longer the sounds endured to louder the got. No, wait...it was one voice. What was it saying? Harry tried his best to understand...listen to it underneath the layer of fog, he seemed to be caught in. He put all his focus on it. A familiar voice. Yes, Harry was sure. Was it Niall? The knocking sound had gotten louder. No, it didn’t sound like his boyfriend. 

„’arry?“ Definitely the voice had been northern. Noah? Was he still dreaming, then why did he feel so motionless? „Fockin‘ hell, Harry! Open the damn door!“ No, definitely not Noah...not at all. Harry wanted to move, but no matter how hard he tried it wouldn’t work. Unconsciousness still lured him back and back again with its sweet, careless song. „Harry!“ the voice shouted, more precise than ever. It had been Louis. His sharp voice seemed to cut through the fog, surrounding Harry’s mind. „Harry! What are you bloody doin‘?“ He bilked slowly. Louis‘ screams were his guiding light back to reality. He winced at the bright, white light. The bathroom? He was still in the bathroom. How? Harry shook his head, wanting to come back to senses. „Harry, I swear...open this focking door now or I’ll cut your bloody, princess hair next time you sleep!“ Harry’s back was killing him. He sat bent over sideways on the toilet. Fuck! His feet were numb too. Maybe he should say something. „Lou-“ His voice broke off weakly. He swallowed the dryness away. „One...one minute.“ 

„What?“ Louis asked, knocking again. 

„I said...give me one minute.“ Harry heard Louis grumble something inappropriate, before he forced himself up. Thankfully the pain in his lower abdomen had lessened over night, but walking had still been hard. Every step hurt...fucking everywhere. As he passed the mirror on his way to the door, Harry refused to believe that this reflection was supposed to be him. He looked drained, shallow, broken and sad. Like something played with his force of life, because right now Harry was looking more dead than alive. More pale than he had ever been, circles, too thick too be normal, under his eyes and cheeks were hallow. He limped over to the door into his room, turned the lock and revealed Louis. He seemed more distressed than Harry had ever seen him. His eyes widened in shock. „You look like crap.“

„Feel like it, too.“ Harry relied slowly. He steeped aside to let Louis enter his room. „What do you want?“

„Breakfast.“ Louis shrugged. „Charlotte told me to get you. We all have already eaten. The kitchen closes in twenty.“ Harry could feel his stomach turn and twist at the mere mention of food. He hiccuped. „Don’t feel like eatin‘“

„Honestly, mate? Right now you don’t look as though you‘d feel like living. You good?“

What should Harry say? He couldn’t even think properly, could barely stand. No way he would be able to hide anything from Louis today, less alone the next couple of days. He felt so sick. Standing up had not been a good idea. Harry opened his mouth to speak, but instead of words coming out, acid vomit made its way up Harry’s sore throat. He gagged uncontrollably. He began sweating again. He didn’t know what to do, so he headed back to the bathroom. 

„Harry?“ Louis asked. He‘d sounded genuinely worried. Something Louis so unusually did. He followed him into the bathroom as Harry hovered over the toilet, disgustingly emptying the little amount of what had been in his stomach. „Mate-“ Louis started. Harry put one hand up to stop Louis and the other onto the toilet. 

„Just...get me to the hospital.“ Harry admitted helplessly. Not to Louis. To himself.

Next second Louis had his arms slung around Harry, half carrying him. He texted Charlotte they would take one of their rented cars, that Harry was unwell, on his way to go see a doctor and promised to be back on time for their flight. He also asked her to clear the air over at the hospital. To let them know someone with the potential of drawing massive crowds was coming. Louis even had to buckle Harry in, seeing as he was falling asleep again. He was so weirdly weak. Louis had also gotten him some bucket, should his stomach decide to revolt again. Louis hammered in the address of the closest hospital into the navigation system and pulled out of the parking lot. The streets were surprisingly vacant and they made way quickly. „Think you‘ve gotten your stomach twisted? Have you eaten too many fruits again? Harry, I’ve told you-“

„No!“ Harry said, letting his head fall back. His eyes roamed the roof of the car on the inside. He noticed the odd shape and pattern. A dull grey. „Don’t know what‘s wrong.“ He reached for his phone. It was still in airplane mode. He switched it off and his eyes flickered quickly across the incoming messages. The only one catching Harry’s eyes though was one missed call from Niall at ten o‘clock. Three hours ago. Louis spoke again as Harry brought his phone to his ear. Niall had left something on voice mail. 

„How long have you been on the bloody toilet anyways?“ Harry shook him off once more to shut him up. „Dunno.“ Which had been the truth. Niall’s smoothing voice was filling Harry’s ears.

„So, I guess, you’re not home, well in your hotel and have your phone switched off...“ Niall chucked. „But that's okay....I just wanted to call you...Hear your voice after last night, I suppose. Checking in on my knight and all. But…I’ve got kinda bad news. I’ll probably not gonn’ to see me family. Schedule’s too tight. Whatevs’. We’ll see. Maybe we can go to Ireland together soon? In any way, It's lonely here without you, Harry, in case you were wondering. Wish you were here, so I could have at least some parts of my family around. The staff's nice though. You’d like them. Did you sleep well tonight? You’re flying to Rome today, right? Take another picture from the chapel for me, will ya? And don't let Louis do anything stupid, alright? We kinda need him after all." Niall lovingly chuckled on the other side. "This is already way too long. No one's using this anymore, I feel like. Yeah so...Miss you, better get back to me fast. I love you, H."

The voice mail ended. Fuck, Harry really wanted him by his side right now. Shock came as he opened his eyes again and took the sterile building of some hospital in. 

„We are here.“ Louis said. „What me to come with you?“ Harry nodded. Yes, he needed someone with him. He wasn’t even sure if he could walk alone. Louis left the car, got around, helped Harry climb out of it and steadied him on his way to where Harry‘d never wanted to go. The sliding doors glided open and changed Harry’s life forever.

They spoke to some nurse. She had been an elderly women, lovely but hardly able to speak proper English. She signaled Louis and Harry to wait, to take a seat at some restricted chairs in a closed area. Apparently she, at least, had understood who Harry was. Maybe communication in this hospital actually worked and she got the message that someone of public interest was coming. Harry’s head flapped back against the wall. He could barely hold his own head up. His neck had no strength. Furthermore, he was feeling fairly sick. All he wanted to do was to eat something, but at the mere idea of food a new wave of nausea cramped his stomach tightly together. Fucking paradox. His thought made his head spin...or the world spin around him? Harry wasn’t sure. He knew though that his head was racing, twirling. He sensed acid rising up his throat. He gripped Louis‘ arm, gripped it hard. 

„Louis.“ he howled. „I think I’ll-.“ The gagging started.

„Oh, shit!“ Louis hissed. He stood up, handing him a plastic bag. Did he have those with him? Apparently „Here.“ 

Not a second too late, since Harry was roaring into the bag the next moment. It had been gone as soon as it had came. There was hardly anything left, to vomit with. He spit the sour taste out, before pressing a curse through his lips. „Fuck, I hate this.“

„Is gonn‘ be alright. Told you I you shouldn’t have eaten the fish. It looked foul. I-“

„You ate it too.“ Harry argued. 

„Yes, however…however we both know how much your immune system sucks, Harry.“ Louis retorted. „Additionally, my stomach is dope. You remember that one time in New York-” 

„Not helpful, Lou. But, yeah. I do remember. I also reckon you having the worst hangover of your life. Should’ve gotten it out of your system earlier. In retrospect.“ Harry scoffed humorlessly as a young women approached them, accompanied by the older nurse from before. Hopefully the younger one would make communication easier. In moments like this, Harry truly wished he had taken German classes in school. The young lady kept her distance at first, while introducing herself to them. „I‘m Ms. Oberbauer. I am your physician assistance. You are-” 

Harry glanced upwards, squinting his eyes to block out the bright hospital lights. There were so damn bright. How did anyone ever clearly see in here? They were blinding. „I am Harry Styles. And this is my best-”

„Yeah, well so I thought. Have you already checked in at the reception?“ Her voice was high, stressed, but oddly patient. 

„No.“ answered Louis for him. He tilted his head around, following the eyes of Dr. Oberbauer. „I can do that. Easy as that. Over there?“ He pointed at an area near to entry. The older nurse nodded and invited Louis to come with her. Louis stood up and the both of them made their way over to the reception ever so slowly. Louis turned around, shooting Harry an encouraging smile. If Louis believed that Harry could pull all of this off...Maybe he actually could. 

„Yes, splendid. My colleague will help you get the check in sorted. Mr. Styles, you may follow me?“ Harry got up slowly, threw the bag into the bin next to the chairs and turned around to Louis. 

„I‘ll let you know where I am. I‘ll text you.“ Louis put his thumb up, headed to the reception. Without any time lost, Harry found himself in the doctors room, explaining everything. At first he hesitated whether he should just report the symptoms of this stomach flu or whatever...or if he should lay his heart bare. As Ms. Oberbauer‘s questions kept coming and coming, almost like she knew exactly what she was digging for and what Harry was trying to hide, he didn’t give a fuck about it anymore and gave in. He was here now, right? Who knew what kind of tests they would do with him anyway. She listened to him retell everything that had happened to him. From the, literally, bloody condom, the pain and the sickness to the vomiting and dizziness today. Her face was calm, focused. Only as Harry stoped rambling on, she glanced up from her computer. „Mister Styles.“ She clicked with her pen. „I will transfer you to my colleague on the fifth. You will find his office easily. The first room on the right. He is a specialist, regarding your condition. He is a general practitioner. If you ask me, he is the best GP one can find around here. Do you want me to inform your team directly?“ A lot of information to process. 

„No. No, I’ll do that myself, if that’s okay?“ 

„Sure. I‘ll send your data up to Dr. Maier. He will take good care of you. I checked, he made room for an emergency appointment for you. You’re lucky, Mr. Styles. Normally appointments like this take weeks of advanced planning.“ 

„What...what kind of appointment are we speaking of...exactly?“ Harry asked insecurely. „I am certain that Dr. Maier will tell you all there is to know.“ She smiled at him, giving nothing away at all. Yet, such transition from one doctor to another didn’t mean anything good, did it? Ms. Oberbauer stood up and opened the door for Harry. „He should be ready in a few, Mr. Styles. You can go up already.“ She shook Harry’s hand. A hint that he definitely was not infectious. It also meant that he didn’t have a harmless flu or something. Fuck. He texted Louis in the elevator hot to the fifth. 

**_Seeing a doctor now. Don’t know how long it’s gonna take :/_ **

Louis’ answer was imminent. It made Harry smile. 

**Want me 2 come with u?**

Even though Harry was everything, but-

**_No. I‘m good._ **

The doors opened and revealed to Harry hectic everyday hospital life. As ordered he stopped at the first door right, checking the sign that said Dr. Maier. He knocked and the door flew open right after. A middle aged man greeted him with huge eyes, massive black glasses sitting on his nose and grey short hair. His smile was the only thing calming Harry down. „You must be Mr. Styles. I am Doctor Maier.“

„Yes.“ Harry said, stepping in. „Hello, nice to meet you, Dr. Maier.“ He pulled out the chair across from his desk and told Harry to have a seat. 

„Likewise, Mr. Styles.“ He got also down onto his chair, twirling around a bit. „I would like to further introduce myself and the work that I am doing in this hospital. I have specialized on treating urgent cases, regarding public life and public personas. In other words, Mr. Styles, I am _Doctor Celebrity_ around here. My work focuses on keeping your information save and your presence too. Makes sense, right?“ 

Harry nodded. He didn’t really care by whom he was being treated. He just wanted to get out of this hospital as quickly as possible. Dr. Maier studied him critically. Why did all physicians act like they already were fully aware of what had been going on with Harry? Why didn’t they just fucking tell him?!? 

„So.“ Dr. Maier shifted his attention to his computer, reading Harry’s data. „I will ask you some brief questions to ratify what I have right here.“ He highlighted Harry’s medical file on his screen. „Moreover...there might be some follow up questions to see if my colleagues didn’t forget anything. Mind if we take it from there, Mr. Styles?“ Harry nodded again. He just wanted to get this over and done with. „Super. So, from what I have read, you have been feeling sick today, going even as far that it had lead to vomiting. Has this happed regularly?“

„No, I don’t think. Today...today had been the first time I puked in almost a year.“ Harry answered. Hell, damn! His throat was so dry. 

„But the nausea has been following you around for some time, yes?“ 

„Occasionally.“ Harry didn’t feel like giving long, elaborate answers. He had done that downstairs already. Dr. Maier looked like he knew exactly what was going on anyways. Again. No matter what Harry said. 

„Huh-huh.“ He tapped his lips. „Your report says, you had issues in terms of your semen. There had been blood there, you say? And pain too. When did that occur? Or...well under what circumstances?“

This was just awful. Such conversations always were. Why did Harry have tell to a total stranger about his sex life? Fucking humiliating. Probably because there was something really wrong with his health. He cleared his throat. „During...it happed during sex.“ 

Dr. Maier hummed in understanding. „How should I…How can I say this polity? You did not just, well…go at it a bit too hard? You‘d be surprised how many cases we have of that.“ He chuckled. 

„No.“ Harry shook his head. They did not. Sure the sex on their anniversary was really, _really_ good, but there had been crazier nights. So… 

„How long did the pain last? Can you tell?“

„No. I...took painkillers in the morning. So I can’t tell. Mainly against a headache too.“

„It happed for the second time tonight?“ Dr. Maier asked. 

„Yes. That and the nausea.“ Harry said, trying to stay as unaffected as possible. Dr. Maier typed something into his keyboard, before turning completely around to face Harry. His face was free of uncertainty. „It happed during sex, you said? So I assume you are in a relationship? Well, I mean…I know that is not necessarily a given. Especially in your age. However, I didn't take you to be one who sleeps around.“

„No. No I don’t sleep around. In fact-” 

Harry got interrupted by Dr. Maier holding up one hand. „Before you continue, Mr. Styles, and before I forget it. Obligatory I have to remind you that all information, whether it is from medical or personal nature, runs under a strict NDA.“

„I figured.“ Shrugged Harry. „And…yes, I am…in a relationship.“

„Mhm, did you tell your partner what happed? Do they know?“ He inquired while he still took all of Harry’s movements in. Like he was measuring him. 

„No.“

„Huh. That‘s what I thought.“ Dr. Maier briefly turned back to his computer, adding one final note. Harry couldn’t read what. „Mr. Styles. I can not treat you. Sadly.“ What? Did he just? Say?„Well…no! Let me rephrase that. I can’t treat your nausea. There is nothing to treat.“

„How...how do you mean that?“

„See, Mr. Styles, can you tell me how much you drank yesterday? Honestly.“ Dr. Maier said. Harry thought about that and the answer was scary. He did everything in his power to not have to use the toilet. It sounded so fucking stupid. Even in his own head. Why was he doing that. Ridiculous. The blood…the pain still happed almost every time. „Not a lot, Doctor. No.“

„Exactly. Your nausea comes from mild dehydration and a low nutrition count. Well, for the latter one we would have to make additional blood work, but I am pretty sure that’s it. Trust my experience on this, alright? I want you to slowly start drinking water again. Begin with one small cup, eat something...anything that becomes you well and then drink some more. Understood, this is _crucial_.“

„Yeah. I can do that. I do. Was that it?“

„No.“ explained Dr. Maier dryly. „This still leaves the problem of the blood in both your urine and sperm untouched. You may want to get comfortable over there.“ He noted to an examination table across the room. „You may also strip from your underwear.“

Harry just did what he was being told at this point. He didn’t feel like he was in control of his body. He just didn’t care anymore. 

„Why? I mean is there a reason-“ He asked.

„Yes. Do you know what DRE is? A Digital-Rectal-Exam?“ He had heard that term, yes. It was an annual examination old men went to to get checked. 

„Yes.“

„Great, so you do know what is going to happen?“

„I think?“

He saw Dr. Maier put on glows, after sanitizing his hands. Then he sanitized them once more. „Most men have the odd tendency to get uncomfortable with this question, but do you have experience with…well, rectal penetration?“ And honestly…well…Harry certainly had...a lot of experience. Niall treated him well. „Yes.“

„That is fortunate, Mr. Styles. It will make it easier for me and less painful for you.“ He rolled over to Harry on his chair. „Tell me when you are ready, then I will start.“ He got Harry into the right position, before Harry had given him the okay to proceed. Funnily enough, he wasn’t scared. Not at all. It couldn’t get any worse than this. Humiliated, half naked and confused in some doctors office in Austria, he lay there, fighting tears and feeling lonely. Feeling alone and lonely like it was fucking 2010 all over again.

The examination was not that complicated. Dr. Maier guided his lubricated finger in gently. It was a familiar feeling, but very, very unwanted. After a while he reached deeper, feeling for his prostate. It had been awhile since, well...something was inside his butt. Niall preferred taking the more passive part when having sex, so it was Harry fucking Niall most times. It’s been almost a year since Niall bottomed out. 

Dr. Maier hit something and from one moment to another there had been pain. Vicious, excruciating pain. Again fire waved through his body, making him scream in vain. Harry drew back, begging Dr. Maier to pull out. 

„That’s what I thought.“ mumbled Dr. Maier, cleaning the gloves, sanitizing and washing his hands. „Do you need anything for the pain, Mr. Styles?“ 

„No.“ _Just peace_ , Harry thought. _And dignity_. He put his clothes back on. He didn’t dare to stand up properly. He feared his feet would give away. He searched for grip on the wall behind him. 

„Take all the time you need, Mr. Styles. I understand this has been painful.“ He watched Dr. Maier fill in some forms on his computer. He closed his eyes. Harry forced his tears to stay inside as flashes of Niall came to his mind. His laugh, his eyes, his kisses. All the good things...only the best. When would he witness those again firsthand? In real life and not in his memory. When was he to leave this god forsaken place?

„I have scheduled for you an emergency MRI as well as a PET-scan in an hour. In the meantime you will rest and have some food. Be here in 60 minutes again and my PN will take you where you need to be.“

What did he need those examinations for? „Scans? Why?“

„Mr. Styles, I will be frank with you. You have either, what I personally don’t believe, a really mean cystis or-“ He stopped. „The spot that had caused you this immense discomfort...it...it had not been your prostate. It was something that does not belong there. An abnormal mass. And we have to find out what it is. Whether it is benign or…or cancerous.“

Hang on...cancerous? Abnormal…abnormal…this whole, bloody, fucking situation was abnormal. A fucking joke! Yeah, a fucking joke his life has become.

„I am aware it is a lot to swallow, but those scans are necessary to see if the mass has spread. If it has...we know that it is...well not good. You‘ve come with a friend, right? Maybe you want to go talk to him?“

Harry stared at Doctor Maier. His expression had been motionless, in utter shock. Strangely enough, he didn’t think anything anymore…at all. No thoughts. Nothing at all, just blank space. A blank joke.

There were no pictures, flashing in front of Harry’s eyes. No blur, no fog, no confusion. His vision had been oddly clear, focused even. It seemed as though his mind was in a tunnel. It raced through this tunnel, but it felt like walking on a summer evening after a warm thunderstorm. He could see his surroundings passing by. Saw the shapes, forms and the weird colours. He sensed a pleasant breeze against his face. It had been unbearably hot and torturously cold alike. And at the end of the tunnel...yes, there had been a light. It was bright, blooming and blue. The shine of Niall‘s eyes. He was waiting there for Harry, waiting for him to come home. In this Moment, where Harry’s life was falling apart, making his structures crumble, turning his wold dark, Niall was the one Harry ran towards. He was Harry’s light, gifting him with a glimmer of hope. There was no one else Harry would rather run to. No one but him. 

And right now…Harry really wanted to speak with him.

However Niall wasn’t here right now, no matter how much Harry’s wished so. Niall was in Ireland on his way to America. Harry was in Vienna. Well...fuck.

„Mr. Styles?“ Doctor Maier stood up from his chair, walked around the desk and put his hand on Harry’s shoulder in a gentle, familiar manner. „I’ve had this conversation often enough to know that your thoughts are running wild right now.“ He sat down next to Harry on a second guest chair. It scratched over the floor as Doctor Maier dragged it closer. „Don’t. Just don’t. We know too little as of now. We will run some tests, take a look at the results and then go from there, alright? I am a positive human being, you know? I am sure it will all work out just fine.“ He got up, before heading to the door, opening it for Harry. „Is there something you’d like to know? Any questions?“ 

Harry was still seated. He heard Doctor Maier talk from behind him. He turned around, got on his feet and was greeted with pain once again. His mouths gotten dry and he had no idea how he was supposed to drink something, let alone eat something. If it will help with the nausea though...

„Mr. Styles?“

Harry shook his head. „Uhm...no questions, Doctor. No. I‘ll be back here in an hour.“ Doctor Maier studied him doubtfully. „Don’t repress all your emotions you are experiencing right now. You should talk to your friend. It will take a lot of weight off your chest, believe me. Don’t lose your head and don’t go all crazy. Easy as that.“ With a last squeeze of Harry’s shoulder, he left the room out to the cool hallway. 

Before he could re-orientate, his phone beeped. He took it out blindly. He read while heading to the exit, leading to the elevators. Louis‘d texted him.

**El texted me. Sounded passed af. Gotta make some calls, unless you need me? You good?**

He sent it 30 minutes ago, where Harry’s still had been in doctor Maier’s office. He probably didn’t wait for Harry that long to make his call. Still, what if…maybe he did? It was Louis after all. But Harry, even though he wanted, did not intend to load his shit onto Louis, who was already carrying so much of his own. He could not handle the fact that Louis and Eleanor would break things off, just because Harry had been selfish and had kept Louis from fixing things. No. He wanted the best for his best friend. And if there were calls that Louis needed to make, he should do just that. Harry wanted him to focus on that.

**_Don’t worry. It will be a while tho. More tests._ **

„Passen sie auf! Mensch, Herr Gott!!! Haben sie denn keine Augen im Kopf. Manche hier müssen arbeiten, aiso wirklich!“ a women squeaked as Harry bumped into her. He didn’t pay attention to where he was going, too focused on typing. He almost ran over two nurses, helping an elderly man. „I am sorry.“ he mumbled, put his phone away and pressed for the elevator to come. 

He was alone in the lift as he stepped in. Thank god. He allowed himself to fall back against the wall. He felt so...weak. He didn’t even comprehend what exactly was going on. He didn’t even try to. He just grabbed the plane necklace, squeezed it tight and only saw Niall‘s gorgeous smile as the doors closed and the world around him went dark.

Louis didn‘t return. He texted him that he was having a nasty argument with Eleanor and asked if he needed anything. Naturally Harry declined. He went back to his meal still in front of him. Some bread, fruits too. _Easy on the stomach_ , they said. He’d finished his water long ago. It had been the only thing going down voluntarily. He knew though that he had to eat too...for the tests, for the obscurity that lay before him. He contemplated calling Niall, but what would he say? 

_Hi, love. I‘m at a hospital in Vienna, because I didn’t drink shit. Ohh, and they think I might have cancer_. No, that wasn’t really an option. Harry decided to wait and see what the rest of the day would bring and then tell Niall everything from start to finish. Maybe all things would resolve themselves on their own? Maybe...just maybe. 

He finished most of his dish which actually surprised Harry quite a bit. However he didn’t really feel any improvement with his condition. The nausea was still there, so was the dizziness. Anyhow, all things considered, he felt somewhat stable. And now really considering _everything_ that‘d been happening, feeling stable was all Harry could ask for. He was amazed as to how little fear he was experiencing...it was topped by how numb he was. He felt like a never ending void had been inside of him. A circle of drain, killing him and keeping him alive. A storm Harry would either overcome or be overwhelmed by.

As a nurse was approaching him, Harry got onto his shaky feet like he knew what was about to happen. „Hello, Mr. Styles, I am Mrs. Band, the practitioner nurse working with Doctor Maier. You may follow me?“ 

The tests were quick and discrete. He was lead to a restricted area of the clinic, thinking about nothing at all. He refused to, because he was scared about what kind of thoughts might come. He would have absolutely had no control over into what dark places they would have lured him. 

The MRI was first, then the pet scan. In between he checked whether Louis had replied or not. He hadn’t. It probably meant that he was still arguing with Eleanor...which, in turn, also didn’t scream good news. After all of the tests had been finished he was taken to a waiting room. The same nurse from before sat him down. She took the seat next to him. „Doctor Maier and his team are taking a look at the test results right now. You’re lucky. Normally it takes days for a doctor to see those, but you are the top priority today.“

„Am I? Lucky, I mean. Don’t feel lucky.“ Harry scoffed. He would rather be home in London with Niall, living on the millions they had made over the past couple of years and doing nothing, but shagging, eating and sleeping. He would do anything really rather than being ” _lucky”_ here. 

„In one way or another.“ answered the nurse. She was coldly professional. „Either the tests come back negative and you get good news today or they come back positive and you can start treatment without losing another day of time.“

„I must be really lucky then. Treatment...“ Harry shrugged. His thoughts started to get out of hand, he noticed. He felt increasingly angrier and angrier about this situation. Such a fuck up, it was. „Well, Mr. Styles-“ Mrs. Band began. She stoped mid-sentence to take another approach. „Do you have family? I am sure you do. A partner too, maybe? A solid relationship?“ Since Harry knew that she wasn’t allowed to slip anything to anybody without losing her job and being sued for breaking NDA, he just went for it. „Yes, I am in a relationship.“

„Great. That’s good-.“

„How is that good, ma’am, if I am going to fucking die. How am I lucky as you claim I am? In what way?“ Harry snapped. The events of today tickled in. The tests, the vomit, the examinations, the distance to Niall. Couldn‘t all of this just end. It would eventually. That, Harry knew.

„Because-“ The nurse‘s voice was completely calm. Gentle, still. But also frighteningly realistic. „Then you have got a.... _your_ reason to fight for. There might be hard times ahead of you, Mr. Styles. I am not going to lie, but _they_ will be your reason to carry on. Your light navigating you through this storm, believe me...I know what I am talking about.“ Mrs. Band looked sad for a moment. She let her guard down for just one moment. Harry wondered what she had been though in her life. And that maybe...Harry was indeed lucky...with Niall at his side. 

He was about to counter something as the door opened and Doctor Maier stepped in. He was alone. „Ahh, Frau Band! Sie sind schon hier. Großartig!“ He took a chair across from Harry. A clipboard in his hand and a conflicted smile on his lips. „Let’s begin then.“ He turned to him. „Mr. Styles, the tests went well and we have a rather clear picture of your condition, more or less. The good news is that none of the examinations need to be repeated.“

Harry shuffled uncomfortably on his chair. He brushed a loose stray of hair out of his face, blocking his vision. „And...the bad news? I guess there are some?“ The nurse gulped nervously. Did she now more? She stared at Doctor Maier expectedly who hesitated having to answer Harry. 

„Well...yes.“ Harry nodded. Lifeless. „How honest do you want me to be, Mr. Styles?“ He didn’t reply. Only his hand held tight to the plane all over again. 

„The possible outcomes you and Doctor Maier have spoken about earlier...about a possible, abnormal mass. Benign or cancerous, remember?“ Mrs. Band tried. She was sensitive enough for Harry to get the hint where this was going. 

„U-uh.“ Harry said, sweaty hands clenching the necklace so much that all Harry could focus on was the pain in his hand. Where was Niall? Was he alone again? 

„Well...“ Doctor Maier took over. „We have found, as I already suspected, an unnatural mass on the lower side of your prostate. Without additional tests, we can’t be certain, but in my 30 years of working as a doctor I can guarantee you that 9 out of 10 people showing the same symptoms as you…do have a cancerous tumor.“ 

„Uhm...“ Harry swallowed, focusing on the picture of some random lake above Doctor Maier. „So I have cancer? I have cancer?“

„Most probably. I am afraid so, yes. You have abnormal cells on your prostate.“ he explained. He took one print of Harry’s scans out of his clipboard. He handed it to Harry. „Here, take a look. This is your prostate.“ Doctor Maier vaguely pointed at something that reminded Harry of his pelvis. „And this, over there, is an abnormal mass, here.“ His finger landed on some highlighted spot. „The thing is…On the upside, prostate cancer takes very long for it to spread. Up to 15 years even. Since your MRI and PET scan both showed no evidence of other metastasis, we can assume that it has not yet spread. A circumstance I keep my fingers crossed for. However our scans can only detect other, possible tumors once they have reached the threshold weight of one gramm. It seems as though that this is not the case with you. We will assume that no spreading has happened so far. Yet, the possibility that it might have already happened is still there and has to be taken into consideration seriously.“

„We will hand you all of our results, Mr. Styles, seeing as you won’t stay with us? Due to your busy schedule? We could arrange something with your team however, if that is what you want?“ The nurse spoke. „We figured it would probably be for the best if you would talk about this with your own doctor back in…London, was it?“

„London, yes. I am from London.“ Harry said. Cancer? Prostate cancer...

„Mr, Styles, without wanting to unsettle you…the size of your tumor is massive. I hope you understand the urgency of this situation. This needs to be taken care of immediately.“ Doctor Maier pressed. Harry didn’t really pay active attention. Cancer? Prostate cancer? Was he going to die? 

„There are several ways to approach this.“ Dr. Maier continued. „The easiest way is to get the tumor out of you via surgery. Tow complications occur however. First-“ He yanked on the print again. „The position of your tumor makes it hard for a surgeon to reach the cells. Even for a skilled one, I fear. It is complicated, extremely so, but not impossible. I will recommend you to a specialist in London. She studied with me and is one of the best oncologists I know. If someone might get the job done, it is her.“

Mrs. Band passed him a small card. A name, a number and an address had been on it. The address of some hospital in London. „Call the number, make an urgent appointment and tell her that Doctor Maier‘s recommend you to her. She‘ll know.“ Harry tried to grab the card, but he couldn't. It slipped through his fingers and onto his thighs. Would he die? Would he? Would he?!? There were so many things Harry had still planned. So much to do in his life. Harry wanted to marry. Wanted to marry him. Niall, his Niall. He could not just die. Life would take him away from Niall…would make Niall loose Harry. What?

„Before surgery I would advice to both radiation and chemo therapy to shrink down all cancerous cells, so it can be more easily removed. Additionally chemo therapy might also kill cancerous cells that might have already spread without our knowledge. If so, most likely to your blood, lymph nodes and bones. Chemo therapy is definitely required, Mr. Styles. And no time is to be wasted. You are staying in a hotel? For your press tour?“ Doctor Maier inquired. How could his voice be so strangely calm. It was like he had such conversations countless times. He probably had. „Hotel?“ He looked up. „Yes, I am staying in a hotel.“

„Great, then go there, pack your things, get your friend and fly home. I am aware, it is easier said than done for someone like you, people of public interest. But some things have nothing to do with the public or anyone else. Some things just need to be _done_ , need to be taken care of, alright? No matter how, rich, busy or famous one is, alright? Death makes us all equal.“ He stopped, after putting his clipboard aside and scratching his temples. „You told me you were in a relationship? Do you plan on marrying them perhaps? Them or anyone in general. Is it on your agenda, Mr. Styles?“ 

„Yes. I would like to...ugh, I guess I would love to spend the rest of my life with him.“ Harry answered mindlessly, because it was nothing but the truth. „Well, then.You _mustn’t_ lose any time. The rest of your life may be a lot shorter than you may think if treatment isn’t started immediately. Within the next month if you want to make it to your thirties.“ 

And _that_ was a lot to swallow. What about Noah in his dream and their wedding? What about Niall? Would that be his fate? Die before thirty?

„What we suggest you do, Mr. Styles, seeing we are professionals at working and treating very important people, is to keep your head low, talk to your management, call the number we have given you and start treatment as soon as possible. You are young and you are strong, fight.“ Mrs. Band said encouragingly. Harry was in a weird state of existing. He knew that he was still alive, still living, but he didn’t feel it. He was not living, he was just existing. Where would all of this end? He blinked at her. 

„Look, Mr. Styles, I know this isn’t much of help to calm your nerves, but I have seen worse. It’s good that you came here today.“ Doctor Maier stood up while passing Harry on the clipboard with scans, results and his medical report. He looked up to him. Somehow he felt like a child. Helpless. „You know what to do?“

Did he? „I hope. Well, I think so?“ Get home, let management figure out the necessary shit, call this mysterious doctor and hope for the best. Easy as that...right? „I wish you only the best. Mrs. Band will stay with you far a while if you want to, because I have to get to an another appointment.“ He extended his hand to bid his farewell. Harry wasn’t sure if he really wanted to shake it. „Goodbye, Mr. Styles.“ He decided to take it. Their handshake was brief and Dr. Maier was out of the door the next moment. He could see the nurse standing up, she put a hand on his shoulder. „Do you want me to get you something to drink, some tea, or maybe-“

„No, thank you.“ He interrupted. Harry definitely had enough to drink already. He just wanted to see Niall...who was in bloody Ireland. Maybe on his was to the States? Harry had cancer and was alone. Fuck...

„Do you want to talk to your friend? The one you came here with? I can help you get to him.“ Mrs. Band offered. 

„No.“ Harry snapped, almost. „No, I am sorry. I will...It‘s alright, I guess. I‘ll go see him now.“ 

„Okay.“ she said as Harry tumbled to the door. Why was the world feeling so strange? Not his head, but his mind had gotten dizzy...there was so much information to process, but how? How was Harry to handle this mess? His life, his relationship, his family, his fans and career...and fucking cancer? Didn’t he already bear enough? 

„Good luck.“ said Mrs. Band. Harry merely shrugged, because he had left the room. He stumbled through the hospital, its patients, its doctors as well as nurses and reached the restricted exit. He was told that there were no ordinary people. That Louis would be waiting there and that he wouldn’t have to worry about paps or anything, because this was what the exit had all been about. Privacy. 

As he hurried outside and was greeted by a warm breeze, light, gentle on his skin, he almost dropped the clipboard. The burden of today tried to get him onto his knees. Harry refused. He would refuse. He still refused to give up, to keep it together...he refused to just lose his shit, although he had every reason to. He kept refusing as he swallowed down his hot tears and his eyes began to swell. He refused to sob into Louis‘ arms, once he had spotted him under a trees shadow. Hood covering his face nonetheless. He looked up. 

„Harry?“ Louis jumped to his feet, as soon as he saw how much Harry’s lips were trembling, in order to keep his tears at bay. „Are you done with your tests? What did they say? Do you need to come back later? We-“

„Louis-“ Harry said. Louis, as he had noticed the turmoil going on inside of Harry, cut off mid-sentence. He took one step closer to him and embraced Harry in a hug. He was being soft, gentle...like he was trying not to cause more cracks that might make Harry crumble before his very own eyes. As Harry sensed Louis‘ arm around him, he allowed himself to finally accept the fatigue, the powerlessness that had been building up all day. And then...then weakness, both from mental as well as physical nature, overcame him. He cried and sobbed and sniveled into Louis‘ neck. He had cancer? Harry had fucking cancer. Niall. Niall?

„Mate...what‘s wrong?“ Harry didn’t bother to move his head, hence he mumbled against Louis‘ neck. „Just get me outta’ere. 

„Alright. We can do that. The car’s right over there.“ Louis reassured. He buried his hand in Harry’s curls, before lifting his head slightly. His blue eyes met Harry’s. „You good to go? I‘d carry you, but...those lanky feet of yours...“ Louis smiled a bit, yet his lips were merely more than a thin line. 

„Shu‘up.“

„C‘mon, lets get you back to the hotel.“ Louis chuckled and pulled Harry to his side, leading him to the car. He opened the door for Harry at the passengers seat, before getting in himself. The moment Harry sat down he sighed. One of the ugly ones though. One where sobs, tears and saliva mix together. One where, if one opened their mouth disgusting strings of spit kept the lips sealed together. One where screams got numbed, deafened by sheer pain. Where even all crying and yelling wouldn’t help. Harry felt a hand on his back. Niall? No! Louis…alright…

„Harry? What...what did they say?“ Louis sounded genuinely scared. Almost like he knew what was going on. As everyone these days. Everyone, but Harry.

„’Is nothing.“ Harry shrugged him off. This just couldn’t be real!

„Yeah, sure, mate.“ Louis hand drew back. „Harry, you’re my best friend. I know when something‘s fucking wrong. Quit the lying...tell me. Please?“ Harry shook his head desperately. Why wouldn’t he just stop crying those damn tears? Why did he keep up with this habit?!? 

„I said it’s nothing.“ Harry repeated, facing Louis. He was hidden behind a blur of a watery curtain. „Harry. It can’t be _that_ bad. It’s not like you're dying, ey? What did the doctors say? Is it a nasty stomach infection? Don’t get me sick though.“

Harry’s head snapped away immediately. He stared out the window. The trees there were blowing in the wind quite strangely. And, look...a pink car. Harry had seen very few of those. Over there…was it a duck…a bird? Or, oh…well, maybe it’d been a dog. Who knew?

„Harry?“ Louis tapped his shoulder impatiently. 

Odd, this family of six was heading to car of five. How would they all fit in? Cancer! It was a dream. A nightmare.

Hey, this nurse seemed familiar. Harry was sure he had seen her. Yes, at the vending machines. She had a cute smile. Dull eyes, but a lovely smile nonetheless. He wished he knew her name. Just, because. Harry liked people. Blame him!

„Harry?“ The tapping got stronger. And isn’t that the PA Harry had spoken to? Maybe, they all looked familiar. „God Christ! Harry!“ Louis yanked him around forcefully. _No, don’t look at me! How dare you?!? See me like this? How…_

„Look at me, Harry!“ Louis grabbed his face. „Look me in the eyes and tell me you _are not_ fucking dying.“ Louis‘ eyes roamed Harry’s features, seeking conformation. He said nothing. There was nothing there anymore.

_Don’t. Look. At. Me._

He still didn’t speak up. Louis‘ gaze remained, flickered and disappeared. „Fuck you!“ Harry saw him fumble with his phone, scrolling to the contacts section. He searched for names with _„N“_ , before pressing to call. Niall...

„What...what are you doing?“ Harry asked. He couldn’t just call Niall and tell him. He didn’t want him to know. He didn’t want Niall to feel the same as Harry had to right now. „I am calling Niall. What’s it look like?“ Louis answered nonchalantly. 

„You…you can’t do that! Stop!“ Harry tried to grab Louis‘ phone, tried to end the call, but Louis shoved the phone out of Harry’s reach quicker. 

„No.“ Retorted Louis almost violently. „I am sure he will make you talk. Fuck, Harry! You come here, from a bloody hospital, crying! What do you want me to do, huh?“ 

„Lou, please...don’t.“

His best friend turned towards him. „Well then fucking talk to me! I know you would talk to Niall. Or he would make you.“ 

„Yes! Fucks sake, Lou! Alright, okay. Just…don’t call Niall.“ Harry complied. Anything to keep Niall save for just a bit longer. „Just...hang up.“

Louis sighed, but did what he had been asked to do. Quite reluctantly so, however. „So? Tell me. I am not losing my best friend, am I?“ 

_I don’t know._

Harry’s body jolted with pain, running through him. Shaken to his bones, the only thing Harry could do was to shrug. He just didn’t-

„I...I don’t know, Lou.“ He sobbed uncontrollably. „They said something about surgery, and calling a doctor in London. And there were scans and results and he said if I wanted to fucking marry I should do it now. And…and the nurse knew too. Said I might not make it to my thirties and...and-“ 

„Harry.“ Louis put his hand on Harry’s chest. „Breath.“ He moved his free hand highlighting the motion. „A few more times, yes? Then, if you are ready, start again. Right from the beginning.“ Harry had never been through something similar. His body was working against him. His sobs were deep, from deep within Harry’s aching soul and heart. Louis synced his breath with Harry’s to help him calm down. 

There were many reasons why Harry loved Louis. His jokes. His sass. His voice, songwriting skills and so on and so on. Truly, the list was endless. But Harry loved his best friend the most for his smile. Because Louis was smiling at Harry gently, almost not visible, but his gestures had been so vibrant in strength. It seemed as Louis wanted to promise Harry with his briefest of smiles that everything was going to be alright. If only.

Louis opened one console on the passenger side and pulled out some tissues. He offered one to Harry. 

„Thank you.“ He took it, fumbling with it between his fingers, before wiping away all the ugly bits of tears. He picked up the clipboard, he had gotten from Dr. Maier, after inhaling once more. „I‘ve got...the results here.“ He held the clipboard up. „I don’t understand them really. There are so many numbers and calculations and words I’ve never seen before-” Harry’s eyes flew over the papers. He noticed that Louis was trying to follow Harry. His eyes were fixed on the files as well. „Doctor Maier made me do some tests and-“ Harry tuned the pages, pointing at one scan result. „This…this was the MRI. The dark dots here on this scan apparently are-” Harry was cut off by his phone, ringing loudly through the car. It vibrated in his pocket relentlessly, so Harry pulled it out to take a look at the caller ID. Louis followed his movements closely. As Harry’s face froze, he asked. „What? Who is it?“

_Ni._ Why was he calling? Because of Louis? „It’s Niall. Have you-” Harry’s eyes narrowed in anger. „Did you…“ 

Louis threw his hands up in a defensive manner. He crossed his fingers. „I swear. I immediately ended the call. It didn't even dial yet.“

Harry didn’t spare Louis another glance. He pressed the button to accept the call. „Niall?“

„Harry?“ Niall whispered on the other line.

„Yes, love? Why are you calling? Is everything okay? I am-“ He tried his best to sound normal. 

„Harry...ma da‘...he had a stroke. We are in the hospital with him now. He hasn’t woken up. They said-“ Niall broke off. Harry wasn’t the only one with a shaky voice today. „They said that he might not make it…He might not make it.“ And that was...extremely sobering. Imagining Niall, crying alone in Ireland, feeling helpless was a very somber thought. If Harry already had to go through all of this shit, why couldn’t at least Niall be spared? He was always so pure...so good. Wasn’t there anything...?

„Niall. Fuck, that‘s terrible. I am sorry. How’s Theo and Greg? And Maura? How are _you_ , love?“ It was so bewildered how effectively his mind could shape-shift from one moment to another. Harry didn’t think about his fucked up situation anymore, now Niall was on his mind. Now the only thing of any importance was Niall’s well being, not his own. Louis had a questionable frown on his face. 

„What‘d ya think?“ Niall said breathlessly. „’aven’t slept in a day. Have already been on me way to the airport, when I got the call. Jeez fuck!“ he cursed. „I wish you were here with me. Fuck, Harry, what if he-“

„No, Ni. We are not gonna talk about _that_. Won't even think about it or put it into consideration. I will be on the next flight to Dublin. I‘ll be there in-“ Harry checked the time. „Hopefully ten hours. I won’t leave you alone with all of this.“

„You can’t just cancel-“

„I can and I will, Niall. This is our family we are talking about, I would do anything for them, you know that. I‘ll be in Ireland in no time, love.“ Harry promised, signaling Louis to act on what Harry had just said to Niall. This was the thing about their friendship. Both Louis and Harry always knew what the other one meant or needed, even without words. Louis got to it, testing Charlotte. 

„We are about to book our flight.“ Harry said to Niall, glancing on Louis’ phone to see what he texted. Louis tilted his phone towards Harry phone to get his approval. The text seemed to cover everything, so Harry nodded and Louis pressed _send._

Niall sighed. „They were pissed off enough, after I had to cancel on them. Maybe you shouldn’t.“

„Bullshit, Niall. You’re my boyfriend and your dad is in the hospital without us knowing how this ends. Of course I’ll be there. Fuck our management for once.“ Harry said agitatedly, after Louis hid a chuckle at some emojis sent by Charlotte that weren’t necessarily smiling, or joyful or nice for that matter, but...she also promised she would get to it immediately. Harry heard someone talk to Niall. Heard him dismiss them too. „I have to go, baby. The doctor has time for us now. Let’s just hope that- “

„Yes! I know it’s going to be fine.“ Harry reassured him. „Don’t worry about me. See you soon.“

„Yeah, alright, Harry. I love you.“ Niall whispered. „And...and thank you, Harry. For coming I mean. It means the world to me. I don’t wanna be alone.“ 

„I know, Niall. I will always be there.“ Will he? Will he really? _You won’t make it to your thirties._ „I love you too.“ With another sigh the call ended. Without wasting any time, Harry faced Louis. „I-“

„Don’t.“ Louis deflected, already starting the engine. „Ten hours? We‘ll make it there in eight, I promise.“ Louis smirked weakly. Then they rolled off the parking lot, leaving behind Harry’s greatest burden. Never spoken, never accepted. A mere whisper above the roaring engine. He was deaf. Death.

„You!“ Charlotte screeched as Harry and Louis trotted through the hotel lobby, luggage in their hands and sunglasses on their noses. „I really don’t like you.“ She lined in next to them. Her shoes clicked on the floor. „You know what? Scratch that. I hate you. The both of you. I really, really do.“ Charlotte muttered sarcastically, pulling her own sunglasses down from her hair onto her nose. „Do you have any idea how much paper work this...this _little adventure_ of yours means for me?“ She shook her head, chuckling. It indicated that she understood _why_ they had to go. But also that she rather had them not.

„Well, Charlotte, frankly...I don’t care.“ Harry said, looking at her. 

„That, I know. But-“ Charlotte fibbed with her smartphone. „There are some poor souls among us that do care. Even if they care about the wrong things. Lovely, lovely Andrea is a prime example of being a fucking cunt.“ She hissed. Her hand shot up to her mouth while her eyes had gotten huge with disbelief under her sunglasses. She mumbled. „Did I just say that?“

„Well, well.“ Louis smirked, holding the door open for all of them. Cars were already waiting outside to take them to the airport. „The appreciate finally learns, I see. Throwing insults left and right.“

„Is it really an insult if it’s the truth?“ Harry asked. „That’s the question. Andrea is a dick.“

„Such nasty, nasty words, gents.“ Charlotte made several dismissive gestures with her hand. „Alight, listen, pay attention and buckle up. I have organized a vip shuttle service to the airport. It will take you right to the vip gate, where you can check in. Your flight goes at seven-thirty. It is four o‘clock now. So better don’t get distracted. Once landed in Dublin Ni and Liam’s driver will pick you up from the airport. He will take Harry directly to the hospital and will drop you, Louis, off at the hotel with your luggage, so you can sort that out. Take some work off Harry. It’s all planned out precisely and expensive above all. But, well...I don’t have to pay, have I?“

Louis laughed quietly, closing the back door. „No. That part’s on Andrea.“ He stopped next to Harry and put a calming hand hand on Harry’s back. Charlotte squatted against the sun behind Louis and Harry to smirk at them. „Huh? I had no clue. Too unfortunate…”

„Hope you made it extra expensive, Charls. First class and all.“ Louis joked.

„Better bet on it, Tomlinson.“

„But why…would I get distracted? I am always focused, aren’t I?“ Harry asked distantly, slowly.

„I see. Total focus all the time, sure. I didn't mean you anyway, dear.“ She pointed at Louis. „No duty free shopping voyage or I will have your credit card blocked, Mister.“ Louis gasped. 

„You wouldn’t dare.“ gaped Louis.

„Try me.“ Charlotte quirked an eyebrow at Louis. She was determined. Harry could see the sorrow in her face. She, too, was concerned about Niall. He always felt like Charlotte liked Niall the best, out of all of them. „The apprentice has overcome the master.“ Harry snickered lightly, nodding at Louis. 

„Yeah, yeah whatever. Only course, it’s Niall.“ Louis murmured. „Everyone loves Niall.“

„Sweaty.“ She cooed at Louis with a pouting lip. „How right you are.“ A car came to a halt next to them, obviously their shuttle. „Your lift, lovies. Up, up! In you get.“ 

Louis stored both his and Harry’s handbags on the backseats, before getting in. Once they were seated, Charlotte kept the car from going by leaning against the open widow. „If Harry misses his flight, I am blaming you.“ She tittered. „You are too generous, dear.“ Louis replied offhandedly. „I will get your baby boy to your other baby boy save and sound, don’t you worry.“

„You better.“ She joshed. „Send Niall my regards, will you? And try to keep your lives together. So much paper work, jeez. And Andrea! Tell Niall I am only going through an hour of constant yelling by that witch, because I love him very, very much.“

„I will.“ Harry said. 

„Well, then. Off you go. Be save, dears.“ She took a step back and the car began to roll...on their way to Ireland. Fucking finally on his way closer to home.

The flight had been smooth. Surprisingly everything so far had been. Harry would have to thank Charlotte later for how well she had planned this trip and how well she handled their unwanted change of plans. He knew how displeased their superiors could get if things didn’t go according to their expectations. 

He watched the nightlife of Dublin go by now. He had already texted Niall that he would be at the hospital in a few. It wasn’t far anymore. He spent most of his time before and after the flight messaging Niall and exchanging new information as well as developments. The flight itself, Harry filled with sleep. He certainly was procrastinating a conversation with Louis. Harry would rather never have that talk. Louis seemed to notice how distant Harry had been...that he was merely focused on one thing. Niall and his family. He got the hint not to bother him with, candidly, _fucking necessary_ but stupid questions. Louis sat silently next to him, his eyes also fixed on the street. Harry saw the hospital appear on the horizon. Soon. 

Louis had noted the hospital too, because he turned to Harry. „Hey.“ He said softly. „I am sure he‘ll be okay. Bobby, I mean. And Niall too.“

„Yeah, hope so too.“ Harry replied tiredly. They got closer and closer. The car slowed down. Louis stared at him, trying to read him...trying to understand what was wrong. Trying to make sense of what had happened in Vienna. 

The car stopped. Harry opened the door. „Later, Louis. We‘ll see each later then.“ Harry got out. Before the driver moved away and Harry could not even close his door, Louis yelled after him. „Yeah, later. We‘ll talk about today later.“ The car rolled away and out of sight.

Going in was probably the hardest part. Hospital after hospital. Why was he forced to go somewhere that was the last place on earth he wanted to be? _Hospitals._

He hid his hair in a beanie. Beneficial for both privacy and protection against the cold wind, storming through the streets of Dublin. Considering it was rather late the entry hall as well as the reception was deserted. 

„Uhm...good evening.“ 

„How can I help you?“ the lady looked up from her computer. „I am looking for Bobby Horan? He is being treated for a stroke, I was told. Can you tell me where I can find him?“

She studied him. She seemed riddled, conflicted whether she knew him or not. She shook her head. „If you can tell me your name? I have to verify if you are listed as an emergency contact of the patient in question or as one of his family members?“ 

He cleared his throat somewhat reluctantly. „Harry Styles. I am the emergency contact to Niall Horan, Mr. Horan‘s son. I am sure I’m listed?“ 

„One moment, Mr. Styles. Let me just see. Might you be willing to hand me your ID for ratification, please.“ She asked professionally. Harry was unclear if she was aware who Niall Horan and Harry styles were. If so, she had done a god damn good job at hiding it. „Yes...uhm...here.“ He took out his wallet, passing his ID card to the receptionist. She briefly checked his signature and made sure it was actually _Harry Styles_ standing in front of her and not some trickster. She returned the card shortly after. „Well, Mr. Styles, Bobby Horan is currently stationed in the stroke unit, floor 3, room 14.“ She disclosed. „However, you may not enter his room without doctoral permission, seeing his dependent on life support as of now. His family is waiting outside of his room. You can meet them there.“ Her smile was brief, heartless and enough of a goodbye. She focused on her computer again. This conversation was over. „Alright, thank you.“ 

He hurried to the elevator and next thing he noticed was it coming to an halt, doors opening and him stepping out mindlessly. He mazed through the halls and corridors, counting the rooms. He passed another corner, then another one and a last one, before he saw them. 

Greg, Denise, Theo and Niall. Even Maura was there. Niall who looked too tired, drained. Sad too. His hair was wild, disheveled by tucking on it too often. Niall had never appeared smaller, slimmer, more broken. His eyes showed exhaustion. Harry practically ran towards him, even before Niall had spotted him. He only noticed Harry, eyes lighting up in an attempt of desperate hope, as Harry already embraced Niall, warmed him with his arms. „Ni.“ And the last thing he cared about was that anyone might see them.

„You‘re here.“ Niall breathed into Harry’s neck, hands tightening in Harry’s hoodie. He stroked Niall’s hair. 

„Yes, love. I‘ve missed you. Are you okay? How’s Bobby?“ Harry took one step back to meet Niall’s eyes. Niall flicked with his hands unknowingly. „Not good. It might end really bad. God damn! I noticed he was being off, I should have said something. Now he is intubated and on a ventilator and he...everything looks grim...well...they can’t tell. He-“ Niall cut off. 

„Hey, Ni. It is going to be fine, love.“ Harry promised with a kiss on Niall’s forehead.

„How do you know?“ scoffed Niall, burying one hand in the mess of Harry’s locks under his beanie. „It’s Bobby. He is going to fine in no time. I just…know. He‘s a Horan, is he not? And what has ever stopped a Horan?“

„The eleventh pint, blood vessels clotting in the brain and a certain Styles. The latter one being the most dangerous of all. He tends to turn the minds of Million fuzzy. Especially of one in particular.“ Greg joked, bumping his shoulder with Niall’s. Well at least he tried to cheer him up. He had given Theo to Denise who was excusing herself to go to the toilet with Maura and their son. Harry loved that she still cared for Bobby, even though they had separated long ago. He admired how they were capable to look after each other and care for their sons and grandson without putting their personal history in the focus. In their eyes, Harry knew for a fact, it was always Denise, Greg and Theo and Niall. Only if their loved ones were save and sound, they would take care of themselves. Thing was, too many times that didn’t work. Sometimes one of them would notice things too late. Not only regarding their own health, but also lost track of what was going on in Niall’s life, because he was the one away from them, right? Theo, the golden boy and lord bless him, the most innocent soul, was living just down the street. Denise and Greg could share their life on a different level than Niall was able too. Sometimes...Niall wasn’t even allowed to share certain things due to contractual obligations, although they lay heavily on his mind. This...this distance, not only physically, but mentally as well to his family drove Niall mad. He hated it. It destroyed him, because family, a stable environment and love were some of the most essential things in Niall’s life. 

But that...that was topic for another discussion. For a discussion when the circumstances weren’t so peculiar. So Harry decided to focus attention back onto Bobby’s well being. „Did you get to talk to the doctors again?“ Harry asked, while slinging his arm around Niall’s waist and pecking his head. Greg answered. „Yeah, no. Not really. Same shit like two hours ago.“ Greg sighed, scratching his cheek. „They still don’t know how severe the damage will be. Or what exact consequences the stroke might cause, if he makes it, that is.“ He glanced to the door with the fateful number one it. There was a name card next to the door. _Room 14, Booby Horan_. „One Doctor said though that if he survives the night, the odds are pretty high that he might wake up again. Only then we will know how much of old Bobby we will get back.“

At that Niall squeezed Harry tighter. The thought of Bobby not making it...of his father dying made Niall fight tears. Harry knew how much Niall loved his father. And if Niall had to say goodby to Bobby this soon...just...fuck.

„If I have learned one thing about Bobby Horan though, it’s that he is not one to lose a fight. Am I right?“ Harry eased into Niall’s gesture even more. Niall shifted, leaning entirely onto Harry. He hid his face in Harry’s neck once more. „I really, really wish that you are right, Harry.“ Niall mumbled, looking up to him. „I don’t know what I will do if he...if he would just leave us like that-“

Greg rolled his eyes and interrupted Niall. Not in an offended manner, no. It rather was like…He was annoyed. „Niall, Stop. We have been over this. Stop being such a bloody child. Even Theo keeps it together better than you. It is what it is and we can only hope for the best. If it’s his time-“

Niall broke loose from Harry’s grip, glancing at his older brother. „Don’t you dare even say it! How can you say something like that?! He‘s our father. It certainly is not his fucking time-”

„I am sure that isn’t what Greg meant to say with that, is it not?“ Harry intervened. He nodded at Niall nervously for Greg to fucking take a hint for once. 

„No.“ He said. „That is absolutely not what I meant. You are making it seem like I want him to-“

„Then what?“ Niall inquired. „What did you mean?“ 

„Fine.“ Greg rolled his eyes. „Niall, you have to stop. Stop going crazy about things you can’t change. About things you have absolutely no control over. You’re not fucking god and you won’t wave a magic wand either to cast some wicked spell to make him wake up again. Da‘ will either make-“

„Hey, Greg.“ Harry said with fairly little empathy in his voice, after he‘d noticed how continuously unsettled Niall had gotten due to Greg’s words. „I think you should stop now. Be a bit more sensitive, will ya?“

„That’s just so easy for you to say, isn’t it? Huh, Greg?“ Niall argued, trying to keep his voice down. „You got to spend the last four years with our father. You got to see him play with your son. You got to be near him constantly for the last years. I fucking didn’t! There is a lot I want to tell him still.“

„Then why did you leave!?“ Greg shoot back more venomously than Harry thought he was capable of.

„What?“ Niall asked in shock. „I...What?“

„You heard me, Niall. It’s not like we sent you away. You choose to leave us. Don’t play the victim here. No one asked you to leave. Don’t blame me for your lack of family time, because you were busy touring the world! Which, by the way, you voluntarily chose to do.“

Harry hastily cut in, before Niall could. „Hey, Greg, c‘mon. That’s not fair. It’s not like we actually chose to spend so much time away from our families.“

„Yeah, it’s whatever.“ Greg shrugged him off. Both Niall and Harry. That was exactly what Harry meant when he said that Niall’s relationship to his family could be...a bit delicate. „I am glad that you’re here Harry. Maybe you‘ll make Niall stick around for a bit longer for him to actually know what’s going on with his family.“

Niall took one step closer to Greg. „You-“

„Greg?“ Denise had returned from the restrooms. „Theo needs you, darling.“ 

He looked at Harry again and turned around. „On my way.“ 

Before Niall could say anything, could give into his anger, Harry embraced him again. He tilted Niall’s head, parted his lips and waited for Niall to accept the kiss. Without hesitation he did. Their lips were dry, Harry sensed, but honestly...he just didn’t care. Kissing Niall felt like the only thing that could keep Harry alive right now. Even as Niall started to pull back just a bit, Harry affirmed the kiss all over again by drawing Niall back in, biting his his lower lips lovingly. They kissed again. And, thank god, it felt like a lifetime. Harry’s thoughts were quiet for one endless kiss‘ time. 

„What was that for?“ Niall asked, putting his hands on Harry’s chest. „Haven’t kissed you in days. I have missed you.“ Harry replied.

„I missed you too, Harry. And I-“

„And as an apology.“ Harry continued as his fingers went to Niall’s neck, playing with his hair. „What?“ Niall looked at him surprised. „What for?“

„For our argument. The one we had one the phone the other day. I know, I know this isn’t a proper apology, but it’s a beginning, yes?“

„A beginning, I agree.“ Niall hummed. He played with the hem of Harry’s hoodie. His hands slid around his neck and then briefly underneath Harry’s sweater. With aim Niall found the necklace that Harry hadn’t taken off once. 

„One flight away, remember?“ Harry whispered as Niall watched the necklace tangle between his fingers. 

„Yeah, how could i not?“ Chuckled Niall dryly. „Promise me one thing, Harry?“ Niall dropped the plane and it fell back against Harry’s chest. He still studied it distantly. Then Niall met Harry’s wandering eyes. „I left my family once and it was probably the worst decision of my life, because I missed out on too much and it kept me from saying things that I wanted to say, but it brought me to you, so I guess it was worth it...“ Niall stopped and Harry chuckled nervously. „It really was, because I love you more than anything else on this damn planet. I may have fallen out of touch with my family, with Greg and Bobby, but you are my family now as well. And even though I want to try fix things here, in Ireland, I can’t do that without you.“ Niall cupped Harry’s face, tightly, desperately. „Promise me I will never have to lose you. Don’t ever leave me, Harry, or I’d be lost too.“

And as Niall stood there, smiling faintly at Harry with so much love to give, Harry shoot forward, hugged him and said to Niall: „I promise you.“

Even though...even though Harry had no idea if that was a promise he would be able to keep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It is extremely important for me to state that i am NOT a medical expert. All medical conditions in this story fall under the use of creative freedom. You know your body best. Do NOT take this story as a reference as it might not be accurate. I do repeat myself, everything medical related stated in this story is not to be taken as an actual reference.
> 
> I do however encourage everyone to go see a doctor, should there be issues regarding one's health. Most of the time it is nothing major after all. Best to get even the simplest things checked.
> 
> PS: Disclaimer: Nothing described in this story represents what happed in real life. Neither what the characters say or do is in any way representative of what their actual counterparts do or how they act in reality. I do want to make it clear that this disclaimer still applies and will apply for the entirety of the story.  
> \---
> 
> Did you like it? Let me know what you think about this chapter if you feel like it :D


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